Barnabas Journey

Success and Failure

2011-09-22T10:01:00.001-05:00

Remind me that failure is the experience that precedes triumph. Teach me that forgiving is most important in the strong and that revenge is the most primitive sign in the weak. If you take away my success, let me keep my strength to succeed from failure. If I fail people, give me courage to apologize and if people fail me, give me courage to forgive them. God, if I forget you, please do not forget me.

Gandhi

As someone who has succeeded and failed and landed everywhere in-between, Gandhi’s words spoke to me this morning. Be kind, be forgiving, be merciful and walk humbly with your God.

Lord please keep me “right-sized” so that I might place my life in your hands and experience your grace in my greatest failures. At the same time don’t let me ever escape the wonder and truth of being your beloved, or as John might say, “The disciple that Jesus loved.” - connie

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Loving Well

2011-07-14T09:07:00.002-05:00

Following Jesus means letting go of our judgments, embracing humility and our humanity in order to see through the eyes of God’s love.

Humanity around and within

It's a slippery slope, letting go of the lines that divide, seeing people different from yourself as human. Let the walls that make me an "us" and they a "them" crumble, and there is a world of humanity to love. No longer can you ignore the vulnerability, the humanity, the absolute sinner and saint in all of us. No longer can you push others aside or arbitrarily categorize them.

Confronted by the humanity around us, we confront the humanity within us and expose our collective brokenness. We come face to face with the things we are capable of, for ill or good. We lose the ability to hide behind our self-righteousness or be cozy in our carefully constructed boxes of absolutism and superiority.

Anna Woofenden

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"Give Me Your Tired, Your Poor..."

2011-07-08T15:02:00.005-05:00

I read this quote this morning and felt very proud of America’s history. I read it again this afternoon and thought about the Kingdom of God opening its gates and saying…
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free… Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, I lift my light beside the golden shore.”
God’s grace continues to render me speechless.

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Happy Birthday Ricardo!

2011-06-15T15:25:00.009-05:00

Today is my son Ricardo’s birthday. I just wanted someone to know. You see I love him so much it hurts. He is my hero and in his presence I experience the unlimited depth of God’s love. Ricardo is not “normal” by the world’s standard and most people have no idea that today he is twenty-seven years old. We will have a small celebration with our family but for some reason, I want to remind those who know him to remember this precious miracle who has touched so many of us with the indescribable love of God.

To Ricardo, "I love you son. You’re “abnormal” life gave me a life of love deeper than any other love I have or will ever encounter. Though you cannot grasp today’s significance, I thank God you were born and I am honored to be your mom."

For those of you who don’t know Ricardo, here is a brief description of how we met and a reflection of our unique journey together.
Today is my son’s 27th birthday. So why is that so special? It is special because Ricardo is special. At the age of four, Ricardo survived both parent’s suicide, as he watched them die. He then survived being left at an orphanage eighteen hours away from his birthplace. At this orphanage he developed meningitis that was left untreated, causing total hearing loss. He survived that illness only to suffer severe abuse that left him fearful of anyone or anything.

While on a mission trip to Mexico, I met him when he walked over to the small trailer I was staying in and tried to peek in to see what was going on. He stared and said nothing. Having no idea he was deaf, I asked him to come in and he cautiously backed away. Over the next few days little Ricardo could be found sitting out by our trailer anytime we were there. Eventually, he came inside, sat down and just stared at us with a smile that melted my heart. I could go on and on with details of our divine introduction but I would shed too many tears and the blog would become a novel.

I ended up adopting Ricardo hoping I could help him not merely survive but thrive on a consistent dose of medical treatments, therapy and lots of love. He did thrive but it didn’t look anything like I had hoped for. He never developed the ability to communicate with “normal” people. He could not be educated with “normal” kids and has never had a “normal” friend. Instead of thriving physically, his ability to play, run and walk has slowly deteriorated to being confined to a chair or in his bed unless assisted. In 2004 he was diagnosed with a rare genetic disease that will prematurely cause his body to shut down. I spent years begging God to heal Ricardo and lamenting about the undeserved trauma one little boy had to endure. I’ve asked the question “WHY” more times than I can count.

So why am I celebrating today instead of grieving all the losses? I celebrate because Ricardo has “gifts” that “normal” kids don’t have. He touched my heart and changed the course of my life. He has loved many of us unconditionally in a way that “normal” people are incapable of loving. For twenty years, he has screamed “Mama” the minute I walked through the door. My presence matters to him and his presence reminds me of the face of God, even when he is out of control. (Well most of the time.)

I can’t lift him or put him in the bath by myself anymore, but last night, his caretaker put him in the bath for me and I bathed him as I did for twenty years. Caring for his physical needs and bundling him up in a towel before putting fresh pj’s on him is one of those rare times between a mother and child that is indescribable. Even at twenty seven, because of his disabilities, there is nothing like tucking a clean little boy into bed with prayers and a good-night kiss. Thank you, God, for giving me one more day with your gift of a very special son.em>Click on the envelope below to send to a friend.

A Much Needed Prayer That is Neither Democrat or Republican

2011-04-06T15:32:00.004-05:00
In our world of labels that divide us: Democrat-Republican, Liberal-Conservative, Black- Hispanic-White, Baptist-Methodist, Rich-Poor, we would all change for the better if we began to live "working on behalf of a God that chose justice and mercy and compassion to the most vulnerable."
"As I travel across the country folks often ask me what is it that I pray for. And like most of you, my prayers sometimes are general: Lord, give me the strength to meet the challenges of my office. Sometimes they're specific: Lord, give me patience as I watch Malia go to her first dance where there will be boys. Lord, have that skirt get longer as she travels to that dance.

But while I petition God for a whole range of things, there are a few common themes that do recur. The first category of prayer comes out of the urgency of the Old Testament prophets and the Gospel itself. I pray for my ability to help those who are struggling. Christian tradition teaches that one day the world will be turned right side up and everything will return as it should be. But until that day, we're called to work on behalf of a God that chose justice and mercy and compassion to the most vulnerable."

Barack Obama
Prayer Breakfast speech

When did we ever see you hungry and feed you, thirsty and give you a drink? And when did we ever see you sick or in prison and come to you? Then the King will say, I'm telling the solemn truth: Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me—you did it to me. The Message
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The Glorious Truth

2011-03-29T14:31:00.003-05:00
I read a quote this morning from William James that said, “Truth Wins.” As we wind down our series with Parker Palmer, I couldn’t help but think about his call to live an “undivided life.” His bottom line, expressed beautifully in “Let Your Life Speak,” is simply to tell the truth. We were taught to speak the truth since we were old enough to process language. But no one taught us to tell the truth about ourselves. Few of us even know that truth. We hold to the lie that started years ago when we bought into messages urging us to be something or someone else in order to feel loved, respected or successful.

How many years have we spent trying to make life work by being someone we are not? How much money have we spent to create an image that is admired and valued among our friends and colleagues? How much have we medicated ourselves with over - functioning, alcohol, food and other people as we try to detour past our deepest fear?

My dear friends, it’s time to pull back the curtain and see the glorious truth: Bringing my whole self, just as God made me and gifted me, is the best I have to offer humanity.
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Incomprehensible Suffering Requires Compassion More Than Answers

2011-03-24T13:53:00.004-05:00
I am often saddened by Christian’s response to suffering. In today’s blog, I am taking a short detour from our work with Parker Palmer. Brian McLaren's compassionate and sound response to John Piper’s position on the tragedy in Japan compels me to speak up.

It's a lengthy read but an important conversation. Graciously, McLaren brings heart and truth to what some call God’s judgment. My prayers go out to the ten's of thousands who are hurting and afraid in Japan.

Brian McLaren's reponse to tragedy in Japan

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"I Sat Down Because I Was Tired"

2011-03-17T21:51:00.005-05:00

Legend has it that years after Rosa Parks became the “first lady of civil rights” a graduate student came to Ms. Parks and asked, ‘Why did you sit down at the front of the bus that day?’ Rosa Parks did not say that she sat down to launch a movement, because her motives were more elementary than that. She said, ‘I sat down because I was tired.’ But she did not mean her feet were tired. She meant that her soul was tired, her heart was tired, her whole being was tired… She decided, ‘I will no longer act on the outside in a way that contradicts the truth that I hold deeply on the inside.’

Where does one get the courage to “sit down at the front of the bus” in a society that punishes anyone who decides to live divided no more. People like Rosa Parks have transformed the notion of punishment itself. They have come to understand that no punishment anyone might inflict on them could possibly be worse than the punishment they inflict on themselves by conspiring in their own diminishment.” Parker Palmer

As we continue our journey with Parker Palmer in “Let Your Life Speak,” Palmer reminds me of the voice within that is continually calling me to radical honesty and radical trust. To bring his point to light, he retells the story of Rosa Parks monumental decision to take a seat at the front of the bus.

As I sit in her shadow, I pray for the courage to keep “sitting down.” My illusions tell me I will have a better life if I go with the status quo and keep trying to win the blessing of people that will honor me with their stamp of approval. After all, that’s how I’ve lived for the last fifty-five years. But at what cost?

So many of us have spent most of our life coming to understand who we really are. I pray for younger followers in the faith to find the courage to live an undivided life. I pray that our kids will really like who they are rather than disowning themselves to be who we think they should be. People complain about younger generations and their disregard for truth. I hope I live to see the “church” filled with people who are living the truth of who they are rather than being bound in a prison of judgment and fear.

I know of no greater example than that of Jesus who never gave in to what others wanted him to be. The religious establishment had their own idea of what their Messiah would look like but it was far from the truth of God’s extravagant love. Jesus, being true to who He was and what He came to do, took a stand that led to the ultimate “punishment”… but my, he launched much more than a movement.

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My True Self

2011-03-09T16:16:00.002-06:00
Brennan Manning says, “Be who you is cause if you ain’t who you is, you is who you ain’t. That power packed sentence is what I call my homework for life. We are all born with a unique personality and different gifts. Most importantly, we are blessed with the possibility of claiming our true identity based on God’s image of us. It has taken me 40 years of being a Christ follower to accept and rest in my true self. I found that without seeing myself through the truth and grace of God, I am constantly striving to become what my ego is telling everyone else I am. When that image takes a deadly fall, I am left to look up from the ground and offer God a needy little girl (well, perhaps I should say, “old woman.)” It is at that very moment that I begin to see my true self and find peace in who I am and who I am not. I find that I am regularly tempted to prop myself back up based on images built through my own ego or other’s perception of what they want me to be. So today I have a choice to listen to my ego, driven by fear or to listen to the truth in my heart, which is rooted in God’s love.

To continue our inspiration from Parker Palmer, he says it this way…

Today I understand vocation (life) quite differently – not as a goal to be achieved but as a gift to be received. Vocation (life) does not come from a voice “out there” calling me to be something I am not. It comes from a voice “in here” calling me to the person I was born to be, to fulfill the original selfhood given me at birth by God
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2011-03-01T11:39:00.001-06:00
Denying the truth about who I am and who God is causes great pain. At an early age, we are taught to live a life of self protection and self promotion in order to receive the love we crave. Once we are willing to drop our illusion that these strategies will give us what we long for, we can begin the journey to freedom.

Parker Palmer in “Let Your Life Speak”…

"True self, when violated, will always resist us, sometimes at great cost, holding our lives in check until we honor its truth. I must listen to my life and try to understand what it is truly about – quite apart from what I would like it to be about – or my life will never represent anything real in the world, no matter how earnest my intentions.”

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2011-02-25T15:35:00.007-06:00
I’ve been shadowboxing with my recurring doubt about where I am going, where I’ve been and what my future will look like? Today my life is better than ever, but the doubts will always be waiting for a turn to distract me from my true self. Earlier in the week, I went back to a book that I read in 2004 at a silent retreat. It’s a little book with a big message. This book plummeted me into facing different truths about my life and I began a long journey of change. The voice of truth will forever be calling to my inner soul. I must attend to its cry. This means putting on humility and living each day with gratitude for new life - which begins again with each breath I take.

I would love to share little tidbits of this book with you in the next week of so. Perhaps there is more to your life than the life you are living.

The book is Let Your Life Speak by Parker Palmer. http://www.amazon.com/Let-Your-Life-Speak-Listening/dp/0787947350

“By all Appearances things were going well, but the soul does not put much stock in appearances. Seeking a path more purposeful than accumulating wealth, holding power, winning at competition, or securing a career, I had started to understand that it is indeed possible to live a life other than one’s own. Fearful that I was doing just that - but uncertain about the deeper, truer life I sensed hidden inside me, uncertain whether it was real or trustworthy or within reach – I would snap awake in the middle of the night and stare for long hours at the ceiling…

So I lined up the loftiest ideals I could find and set out to achieve them. But always they were unreal, a distortion of my true self – as must be the case when one lives from the outside in, not the inside out. I had simply found a “noble” way to live a life that was not my own, a life spent imitating heroes instead of listening to my heart.
”

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Fall... The Beauty of Letting Go

2010-11-22T08:55:00.012-06:00

Praying for Release

Autumn, urge me to drop every leaf I don't need -
every task of habit I repeat past its season,
every sorrow I rehearse,
each unfulfilled hope I recall,
every person or possession to which I cling -
until my branches are bare,
until I hold fast to nothing.

Blow me about in your wild iron sky,
crush all that's puffed up,
fluff all that in me needs to go to seed,
send my shadows to sleep.

Tutor me through straining night winds
in the passion of moan and pant,
the gift of letting go at the moment of most abundance-
in the way of falling apples, figs, maple leaves, pecans.

Open my eyes to your languid light,
let me stare in your face
until I see no difference between soar and fall,
until I recognize eternity in single breaths,
faint whispers of cool air through lungs.

Show me the way of dying in glorious boldness -
Yellow, gold orange, rust, red burgundy, brown.

Exultation, a Poem Cycle in
Celebration of the Seasons
by Monza Naff
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Cancer, Death and the Daunting Question, Why?

2010-09-02T14:07:00.006-05:00
Judy Moss died this morning at 8:00 am. I wrote my thoughts down last week after visiting her in ICU but didn’t get them in my blog before she died. My words are inadequate but I pray you will get a glimpse of this generous, gracious woman who loved well. As I reflect upon her life and her death she remains a wounded healer.

My friend Judy is dying of cancer. I met Judy after her children, Mike Moss (B9) and Liz Moss (B23) went through Barnabas. Immediately, I found her to be kind and accepting. Theologically, she is probably more conservative than I am but she has accepted me with enduring grace and unconditional love. Though we never spent much time together, when I was diagnosed with cancer last year, I received a card from her with a check in it to help with my medical bills. When I began treatments she sent a wooden cross to me to hold during chemo. When her daughter Liz came by to check on me during my illness she told me that her Mom wanted to know how I was feeling and how my family, particularly Ricardo, was holding up through my illness. Judy was doing all this while fighting her own battle as cancer was spreading throughout her body.

Watching her journey over the last few years and seeing the torment she is now enduring ignites anger in me which asks, “So what are you doing now Lord?????” Clearly in my humanity I cannot understand how God interacts with such evil tragedies like death by cancer. Seeing her in ICU today it's hard to believe she is still alive with so little left of her physical body. Yet her spirit is clearly alive and her countenance is the same as it was before she got sick: kind, humble, thoughtful and full of faith. Many would say that the Spirit of God is always evident in her presence.

Too often Christians comfort themselves or others with beliefs such as, “God has a purpose which will be revealed later” or “this must be God’s will.” I don’t buy it. Surely the creator of the universe and the lover of our souls doesn’t sit on a throne as a parent unmoved by His children’s pain. Surely our God of grace doesn’t roam the earth deciding what illness or tragedy should be assigned to certain families. I’m not willing to get into a theological argument about what God planned or even foreknew. No one can answer the overwhelming question of “why?” If they try, they haven’t suffered.

So what is true in all of this? What is God doing? He is present. And that presence fills the room with peace. His presence lifts my heart out of the questions and calms me. God’s presence is tangible as He waits for Judy to be ready. When that time comes, the absence of her Spirit in the room will be deafening. Our memories will return to life before cancer and we will be comforted by the life she lived. Her family will grieve deeply because of her physical absence but will be grateful her suffering is over.

For now, those of us who stand by them can offer our presence and that will be enough.
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Dancing With Fear

2010-07-21T16:45:00.012-05:00
It’s been a long time since I’ve posted because I’m actually living after surviving chemotherapy. I’ve heard many say they never felt the symptoms of cancer; it’s the treatment that almost killed them. I agree, however, the chemo has given me life, at least for now. The “at least for now” sounds rather cynical, but I’m afraid of calling myself a cancer survivor. I’ve read stories of women who survived breast cancer only to see it resurface with a vengeance.

I just read Elizabeth Edwards book Resilience, thinking I would gain strength from her hope in the midst of several traumatic events, cancer being one of them. Instead, her words felt almost prophetic. Here is a quote from her book…

“The cancer was back. Well, I suppose the doctors would say it had never really gone. I thought the chemo chased it away... But it only chased away the big pieces; the smallest of pieces had stayed, hidden from the scans, too small for imaging: they had stayed and then grown. And now, here it was again, now grown, now in its new home. No longer in my breast, it had spread to my bones, maybe my lungs and maybe my liver. And it wasn’t leaving. Not ever. In that moment when I found out for certain that I would have cancer in me every single day until one day it finally took my life, all the reasons to live and the reasons to die, the way to live if I could, all danced before me, twirling, enticing until I chose a partner from among them. Live. Die. Fight. Curl up. Look for a hug. Give a hug. Cry. Cry. Cry.” Elizabeth Edwards

Though cancer is the obvious comparison, I’ve been thinking about how all of life entices us to choose a "partner from among them.” With Edwards cancer reoccurrence, “live, die, fight, curl up, look for a hug, give a hug, cry, cry, cry” are reasonable dance partners. As believers in Jesus or having faith in God, we have additional partners to choose from (faith, hope, trust, etc…) but we still have to choose who we will dance with and what message we will dance to.

Sometimes I feel a little psychotic because I seem to change partners more often than not. One day, I am dancing with “hope and faith." Then, without notice or because of some small trigger from my past, I will spend the day or days dancing with “fear and doubt”. Today, fear of hidden cancer, sadness from the recent death of a friend and merely trying to stay the course are enticing me to dance with fear.

Thankfully, my job requires me to stay engaged. Being a part of authentic community and believing my life has purpose sent fear back to the wall. It’s amazing how those two things can pull me out of the fetal position. Within five hours, I have changed dance partners again.

If you find yourself being enticed by fear, sometimes you have to walk through it. Ironically, dancing with fear and doubt usually lead to faith and hope. Other times, being with people (get out of the house) and having enough faith to simply do the next right thing will bring renewed hope.

Who are you dancing with today? There’s not a “right” answer to this question. My encouragement is to put words to the feelings rather than falling in a hole wondering why it’s difficult to get through the day. The dance of fear is always waiting to “cut in.” If the lesson is in the fear, walk on. If not, call someone, go out and live what you are passionate about and as always… do the next right thing.

FYI… as God would have it; I met with someone today who has worked in oncology for years. Her advice, “studies show that people who have a positive attitude, have some form of spiritual life and laugh often have a lower reoccurrence rate than those who don’t.” Go figure.
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"MIMI, WHAT'S THIS?"

2010-05-06T23:18:00.017-05:00

With total innocence my precious grandson uttered these words while sitting in my lap playing with the skin around my neck. As he was flipping the loose skin from side to side, I calmly told him, “Honey, that’s Mimi’s neck.” Response, “What’s wong wif you neck Mimi?” I abruptly ended the conversation with, “Mimi is old Adam!!!”

Several years ago I laughed as I read Nora Ephron’s book, I Feel Bad About My Neck. I’m not laughing anymore. I have a chicken neck and am fearful the next step is the rooster neck. The thing about the neck is, you can’t cover it up. I can’t see me sporting a fashionable silk scarf around my neck. May it never be!

I have concluded that there is nothing I can do about my fallen neck so I will simply avoid looking in the mirror. The frightening thing is that others can see it clearly while I try to live in denial. I wonder what other areas of my life I may be avoiding while they are visible to others. The last few years have taught me a lot about embracing parts of my life that I didn't want to see. I had three choices: denial, change or acceptance. This prayer has become a helpful guide when I am willing to embrace my humanity and reach for peace. God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
I’m still not happy about my neck!

• What areas of your life do you avoid? Is it time to face the truth? Are you willing to make necessary changes or is it something that requires acceptance?

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If You Are Uncomfortable With the Word Breast, You Might Not Want To Read This Blog

2010-04-15T16:52:00.008-05:00
For 53 years breasts were a non issue for me. They didn’t seem particularly important and I had very little use for them. On April 21, 2009 these six words changed my life: “Ms. Freeman you have Breast Cancer.” Since then my life has been controlled by the right breast, also known as the mutinous, insubordinate, defiant appendage. It has been poked, prodded, cut, filled with a balloon and then burned and fried. And as if that wasn’t enough this one breast led to the rest of my body being poisoned with every white blood cell murdered only to be resurrected in three weeks and murdered again, over and over and over. The final blow was becoming a sick bald woman in bed for six months at the mercy of my wonderful caretakers.

Announcement, drum role, listen up… Today, one year later, the prodigal breast has come home! This morning I went for my one year anniversary mammogram and the film was clear of any signs of cancer. My surgeon put up the two films to compare last years to todays. The ugly white blob that was splattered on last years X-Ray was gone.

Like the winter season, the cancer had to die before new life could be born. Spring is here and new life is present. I have no idea how God brings forth life from death, heals the sick parts of us (He has been working on my mind for thirty years) and replaces fear and pain with joy. As I was speechless a year ago when I exited the doctor’s office, I am speechless again.

Thanks to all of you for traveling this journey with me. I will go for mammograms every three months for several years and realize that reoccurrence may come. But for today this prodigal has come home and I am about to kill the fatted calf!

I encourage you to consider what parts of you have been lost this past year. Did something in your life have to die before you could experience new life? Have the illusions that were created by your ego and misguided belief that we are actually in control fallen to the ground so that God could show you something beautiful that is built on the truth of His love and grace?

Don’t miss the spring. Maybe new life is pushing through the earth to create a beautiful garden full of God’s glory. My springtime is symbolized by these tiny white hairs pushing through the surface of my bald head. I am learning to appreciate all different kinds of flowers that come in spring. What a difference a year makes.

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HE IS RISEN

2010-04-04T03:44:00.003-05:00

I Know My Redeemer Lives
by Nicole C. Mullen & performed by one of my hero's, Sharifa

Who taught the sun where to stand in the morning
Who told the ocean you an only come this far?
Who showed the moon where to hide 'til evening
Whose words alone can catch a falling star?

Well I know my Redeemer lives
I know my Redeemer lives
All of creation testify
This life within me cries
I know my Redeemer lives

The very same God that spins things in orbit
He runs to the weary, the worn and the weak
And the same gentle hands that hold me when I'm broken
They conquered death to bring me victory

Now I know my Redeemer lives
I know my Redeemer lives
Let all creation testify
Let this life within me cry
I know my Redeemer lives

He lives to take away my shame
And He lives forever I'll proclaim
That the payment for my sin
Was the precious life He gave
But now He's alive
And there's an empty grave.

And I know my Redeemer, He lives
I know my Redeemer lives
Let all creation testify
This life within me cries
I know my Redeemer lives

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Remembering Holy Week

2010-04-04T03:17:00.004-05:00
Saturday
Earlier in the week, Jesus said, “I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.”

Where was Jesus from Friday night through Sunday morning? Many people claim they know but who could say. The only thing that matters is that redemption was put into place.

One thing that is so “God-like” is that something divine and holy was going on because of death. Part of the incredible mystery of God is what happens when something falls to the ground and dies. We see it in our seasons when the seeds fall to the ground in autumn and dies in the winter’s cold. It takes the winter, it takes death before spring is allowed to rise up with all of its beauty. A transformation occurs that no one can explain. Life is born out of death. Suffering gives birth to Joy. Jesus died so we could live.

For me, all growth and new life has come from something in my life that had to die. It is not a one time event. Relationships die and give birth to new ones. The world that I create to in order to try and control my life falls apart and forces me to trust God. I have learned in the winter of my life, in the days between life and resurrection, God does a work that only He can do. I don’t invite it and often cry out, God if there is another way…

• What deep pain and suffering in your life has given birth to something beautiful?

• What are you trying to keep alive so that you can maintain the illusion you are in control?

• What has had to die inside of you for new life to be born?

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Remembering Holy Week

2010-04-02T15:44:00.031-05:00
Thursday and Friday

This year, more than any other I have spent each day of the week really thinking about Jesus in all of His humanity. Because he was fully human, He felt, as we would, physical and emotional pain and siffering.

After having Cancer this year, I thought about what it would be like to sit down with my inner circle and tell them I was going to die? I would want the people I love the most to be with me. What if they could not grasp what I was saying? What if their confusion and denial also made it impossible for them to truly understand the depth of my heart when I asked them to “Remember Me?”

No one, not even the closest of his disciples “got it.” Once that final dinner was over, the wheels of hatred, jealousy and greed were set in motion and Jesus would feel no comfort until after His death. From the last supper with the disciples all the way through his crucifixion, no one really understood what was going on. This twenty-four hour period was unimaginable for the disciples and indescribable to us.

It is 3:00 and I am sitting at my desk. Millions have tried to capture the Cross so I won’t begin to try. Today, I encourage you to forget everything you have heard before and simply let the scripture tell the story. Read the passage below as though you had never read it before. Today, the creator of the universe looked away as His son expressed the ultimate grace and mercy for us through His suffering. As believers in Jesus, the Christ, it is important for us to "Remember."

Our hope is gone for a time when Jesus dies, but Sunday is coming!

As told in the Gospel of Mark…
They took Jesus to the high priest, and all the chief priests, elders and teachers of the law came together. Peter followed him at a distance, right into the courtyard of the high priest. There he sat with the guards and warmed himself at the fire. The chief priests and the whole Sanhedrin were looking for evidence against Jesus so that they could put him to death, but they did not find any. Many testified falsely against him, but their statements did not agree. Then some stood up and gave this false testimony against him: "We heard him say, 'I will destroy this man-made temple and in three days will build another, not made by man.' "Yet even then their testimony did not agree.

Then the high priest stood up before them and asked Jesus, "Are you not going to answer? What is this testimony that these men are bringing against you?" But Jesus remained silent and gave no answer. Again the high priest asked him, "Are you the Christ,the Son of the Blessed One?" "I am," said Jesus. "And you will see the Son of Man sitting at the right hand of the Mighty One and coming on the clouds of heaven. "The high priest tore his clothes. "Why do we need any more witnesses?" he asked. "You have heard the blasphemy. What do you think?" They all condemned him as worthy of death. Then some began to spit at him; they blindfolded him, struck him with their fists, and said, "Prophesy!" And the guards took him and beat him.

Peter Disowns Jesus
While Peter was below in the courtyard, one of the servant girls of the high priest came by. When she saw Peter warming himself, she looked closely at him. "You also were with that Nazarene, Jesus," she said. But he denied it. "I don't know or understand what you're talking about," he said, and went out into the entryway. When the servant girl saw him there, she said again to those standing around, "This fellow is one of them." Again he denied it. After a little while, those standing near said to Peter, "Surely you are one of them, for you are a Galilean." He began to call down curses on himself, and he swore to them, "I don't know this man you're talking about. "Immediately the rooster crowed the second time. Then Peter remembered the word Jesus had spoken to him: "Before the rooster crows twice you will disown me three times." And he broke down and wept.

Jesus before Pilate
Very early in the morning, the chief priests, with the elders, the teachers of the law and the whole Sanhedrin, reached a decision. They bound Jesus, led him away and handed him over to pilate. "Are you the king of the Jews?" asked Pilate. "Yes, it is as you say," Jesus replied. The chief priests accused him of many things. So again Pilate asked him, "Aren't you going to answer? See how many things they are accusing you of." But Jesus still made no reply, and Pilate was amazed.

Now it was the custom at the Feast to release a prisoner whom the people requested. A man called Barabbas was in prison with the insurrectionists who had committed murder in the uprising. The crowd came up and asked Pilate to do for them what he usually did. "Do you want me to release to you the king of the Jews?" asked Pilate, knowing it was out of envy that the chief priests had handed Jesus over to him. But the chief priests stirred up the crowd to have Pilate release Barabbas instead.
"What shall I do, then, with the one you call the king of the Jews?" Pilate asked them. "Crucify him!" they shouted. "Why? What crime has he committed?" asked Pilate.
But they shouted all the louder, "Crucify him!" Wanting to satisfy the crowd, Pilate released Barabbas to them. He had Jesus flogged, and handed him over to be crucified.

The Soldiers Mock Jesus
The soldiers led Jesus away into the palace (that is, the Praetorium) and called together the whole company of soldiers. They put a purple robe on him, then twisted together a crown of thorns and set it on him. And they began to call out to him, "Hail, king of the Jews!" Again and again they struck him on the head with a staff and spit on him. Falling on their knees, they paid homage to him. And when they had mocked him, they took off the purple robe and put his own clothes on him. Then they led him out to crucify him.

The Crucifixion
A certain man from Cyrene, Simon, the father of Alexander and Rufus, was passing by on his way in from the country, and they forced him to carry the cross. They brought Jesus to the place called Golgotha (which means The Place of the Skull). Then they offered him wine mixed with myrrh, but he did not take it. And they crucified him. Dividing up his clothes, they cast lots to see what each would get. It was the third hour when they crucified him. The written notice of the charge against him read: THE KING OF THE JEWS. They crucified two robbers with him, one on his right and one on his left.Those who passed by hurled insults at him, shaking their heads and saying, "So! You who are going to destroy the temple and build it in three days, come down from the cross and save yourself!" In the same way the chief priests and the teachers of the law mocked him among themselves. "He saved others," they said, "but he can't save himself! Let this Christ, this King of Israel, come down now from the cross, that we may see and believe." Those crucified with him also heaped insults on him.

The Death of Jesus At the sixth hour darkness came over the whole land until the ninth hour. And at the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?"—which means, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" When some of those standing near heard this, they said, "Listen, he's calling Elijah." One man ran, filled a sponge with wine vinegar, put it on a stick, and offered it to Jesus to drink. "Now leave him alone. Let's see if Elijah comes to take him down," he said. With a loud cry, Jesus breathed his last. The curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. And when the centurion, who stood there in front of Jesus, heard his cry and saw how he died, he said, "Surely this man was the Son of God!"

Some women were watching from a distance. Among them were Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James the younger and of Joses, and Salome. In Galilee these women had followed him and cared for his needs. Many other women who had come up with him to Jerusalem were also there.

The Burial of Jesus
It was Preparation Day (that is, the day before the Sabbath). So as evening approached, Joseph of Arimathea, a prominent member of the Council, who was himself waiting for the kingdom of God, went boldly to Pilate and asked for Jesus' body. Pilate was surprised to hear that he was already dead. Summoning the centurion, he asked him if Jesus had already died. When he learned from the centurion that it was so, he gave the body to Joseph. So Joseph bought some linen cloth, took down the body, wrapped it in the linen, and placed it in a tomb cut out of rock. Then he rolled a stone against the entrance of the tomb. Mary Magdalene and Mary the mother of Joses saw where he was laid.

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Remembering Holy Week

2010-04-01T16:19:00.015-05:00
Monday – Wednesday

The Bible doesn’t give us a lot of specifics about what Jesus did between Monday and Wednesday. He taught in the temple and at some point cleared the temple of money changers. Sometime, probably Tuesday or Wednesday, he tried to prepare his disciples for the days ahead. Early in the week, he left Jerusalem to visit his good friends, Mary, Martha and Lazarus. A dinner was held in his honor and at that dinner Mary shocked everyone as she broke a bottle of expensive perfume and anointed Jesus. Interestingly enough, Judas spoke up and accused her of being wasteful as they could have used the money from the sale of the perfume to help the poor. Jesus confronted him with these words,

"Leave her alone. It was intended that she should save this perfume for the day of my burial. You will always have the poor among you, but you will not always have me."

In Jesus’ humanity surely he was comforted and overwhelmed with Mary’s gift of grace and kindness. Mary's act was extravegant to some but valued by Jesus.

• Is someone you know in need of extravagant grace?

• If you were Mary, how would you express your love to Jesus? So much of the time we get caught up in our religious words and practices that we don’t give Jesus the deepest part of our heart, with all of the feelings that come from our gratitude for His grace.
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There is a song recorded by Cece Winan entitled “Alabaster Box.” It brings me to tears as she sings the words,

“You weren't there the night He found me,
You did not feel what I felt
when he wrapped his love all around me
You don't know the cost of the oil
in my alabaster box”

I encourage you to download it from I-Tunes. Below are the lyrics for the entire song. Every word of this song carries with it authentic emotion and overwhelming gratitude.

The Alabaster Box

The room grew still as she made her way to Jesus
She stumbles through the tears that made her blind
She felt such pain, some spoke in anger,
Heard folks whisper there's no place here for her kind
Still on she came through the shame that flushed her face
Until at last, she knelt before his feet
And though she spoke no words, everything she said was heard
As she poured her love for the Master from her box of alabaster

And I've come to pour my praise on Him
Like oil from Mary's alabaster box
Don't be angry if I wash his feet with my tears
And I dry them with my hair
You weren't there the night He found me
You did not feel what I felt
when he wrapped his love all around me
And you don't know the cost of the oil
In my alabaster box

I can't forget the way life used to be, I was a prisoner to the sin that had me bound
And I spent my days, poured my life without measure
Into a little treasure box I'd thought I'd found
Until the day when Jesus came to me
And healed my soul with the wonder of His touch
So now I'm giving back to Him all the praise He's worthy of
I've been forgiven and that's why I love Him so much

And I've come to pour my praise on Him
Like oil from Mary's alabaster box
Don't be angry if I wash his feet with my tears
And I dry them with my hair
You weren't there the night He found me
You did not feel what I felt
when he wrapped his love all around me
And you don't know the cost of the oil
In my alabaster box

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Remembering Holy Week

2010-03-30T00:53:00.015-05:00
I haven’t blogged much since Cancer. My words are inadequate as I think back to one year ago when this disease entered my world. Perhaps I will be able to write about it one day, but for now I remain overwhelmed with the events of the last two years. I am blessed to be alive and humbled by the life lessons I had to face. I live my life one day at a time now. I encourage each of you to be thankful for THIS day. The loss of physical health, the loss of relationships, the loss of the very ground you are standing on can disappear in an instant. Jesus knew this and still traveled to Jerusalem.

This week, the week of Passover, the week of Jesus’ excruciating pain on the way to the cross hold new meaning for me. I want to be aware of every step He took. I want to remember what He said and what He did, knowing that His life on earth was coming to an end. I invite you to walk this journey with me.

Holy Week:
Sunday – I loved going to church yesterday. The kids marching through the worship service with their palm branches shouting “Hosanna, “Hosanna in the highest” took me back to years of celebrating Palm Sunday. It also reminded me of the last chance that Jesus would enter Jerusalem.

Several years ago, I went on a tour to Israel. I was sure that the Tomb, the Temple, the Wailing Wall or Golgotha would be emotional experiences as the Life of Jesus became real, touchable and tangible. After visiting numerous places where Jesus had taught His disciples and the crowds, it was time to travel to Jerusalem. I thought of the “Triumphant Entry” and was able to see the landscape where Jesus rode the donkey and the people welcomed Him as their coming King. But, to my surprise, it was not the crowd worshiping Jesus that caught my attention. As we got closer to Jerusalem, I happened to be at the front of the bus talking to my friend Sammy. Unprepared for what I was about to experience, we topped the mountain and Jerusalem was spread out before us. I burst into tears. For the first time, I could see why Jesus loved her.

As our bus descended into Jerusalem two thousand years later, I couldn’t imagine Jesus entering Jerusalem knowing that His entire life lead to this place and this time. Within the week the cheers would be exchanged for curses and shouts of “crucify Him.”

• Who are what is your Jerusalem?

• What journey is God asking you to travel?

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Update about Cancer and Chemo

2009-11-19T13:41:00.002-06:00
Dear Friends and Support System,

Just wanted to get out a quick update. Chemo is over; I have a little “white peach fuzz” on my head and more hair on my legs (that ain’t right!) Not shaving my legs was one benefit of treatment.

My desire to get back to life is much stronger than the physical energy that is currently available to my body. I thought that I would bounce back a little faster. Chemo did not go well for me. I have been in bed for five months so getting up and moving has been a challenge. However, I thank God for the ability to get up.

It appears that the surgery and treatments have been successful in eliminating the tumor that was there. I will go in for a mammogram every three months for a while so that they can keep an eye on it. Thank you Lord Jesus!!!

The discouraging news is that I have been diagnosed with Lymphedema. This is not a life threatening disease but there is no cure. It will end up being more of a nuisance than anything else. Right now it is a big problem. My arm and hand are swollen with fluid that is not draining because the path through the lymphatic system was compromised when they took out some of my lymph nodes. So, for a couple of months I am going through therapy three times a week and my arm and hand are wrapped up with layers of compression bandages. The right side of my body combined with my bald head make me look like the “”Michelin Man.” This wrap keeps me from using my right arm and hand right now. I never knew how much I depended on my right hand. Eventually I will be fitted with a wrap for my arm and a glove for my hand. For the majority of each day, I will need to wear that for the rest of my life. (You know that I love singing “Man in the Mirror,” but I never planned to dress like Michael.)

Good news is that my white blood cell count is getting back to normal so I am able to spend some time with my daughter, grandsons and Ricardo. Because they were all high risks for spreading infection, my time with them was limited during chemo. I can’t keep up with two and three year old little boys but it sure is fun to watch them. My dog Katy gives them a run for their money. One day Mimi (that’s me) will be able to take them on again.

Thank you so much for the love that you have shown me since I was diagnosed in March. To those who were my daily caretakers, words cannot express my gratitude for your nurturing care and service. I already miss seeing you and having time to just “be” with one another. Surely we can find a way other than cancer to stay connected. I will try to honor your gift to me by passing it on to others.

Kerry has been a solid and loving source of strength and comfort during all of this. I cannot imagine going through cancer without someone to walk with me. Thank you Kerry, I know that this journey has been difficult for you as well as you were afraid too. Your presence made all the difference.

I probably won’t be sending many more updates because I hope there is nothing to update you about. After the first of the year, I will have some use of my right hand again and I will begin to use the blog site to discuss issues that God is bringing to my life and perhaps to yours. I heard a man speak this last weekend and he said that Great Love and Great Suffering bring us into a level of God’s presence that propel us into another level of living life. I pray that I will take time daily to spend time in the presence of Jesus. I am fortunate to have more time on earth than I might have if I was not diagnosed early. (Thank you Dr. Waldrep!) So, I want to spend the rest of my time “here” loving well and seeking the peace of God through taking time to crawl up into His lap and simply rest in His arms. Sorry, that is a Barnabas thing and so is this…

I love you,
Connie
The disciple that Jesus loves

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Cruel and Unusual Punishment From My Own Therapist

2009-08-18T00:33:00.014-05:00
Last week I went to see my therapist and I came prepared to tell him how awful life was thinking he would have some sympathy and encouraging words to help me see the good in my life. Instead he earned his money by telling me the truth. He said, “Connie, you are stubborn. God is going to continue to strip everything from you until all ego is gone.” He went on to say, “You have abused your gifts making you believe that if you love people enough, they will love you back. You have done this survival dance your whole life and by the grace of God, it is not working any longer.” He said that “You would be much happier and peaceful if you would allow the love and character of God to live out of your heart, regardless of others acceptance or rejection. This insatiable desire to be loved will continue to dismantle you until you have nothing left but a pure heart."

At first I wanted to say, SHUT UP PLEASE! Then I broke down knowing that his words rang true. I saw the ugly seed of pride that keeps hanging on wanting life to be different. Why is surrender so damn hard? What am I missing here? I want to be satisfied with simply being God’s beloved but today I cannot find my way. What more must be torn down? I know the answer is, nothing more must happen, I am already the beloved because of grace. God is crazy about me. I have spoken that truth into thousands of people’s lives but as the former “know it all” it was and is easy to believe but very difficult to live.

Written below is a beautiful picture of the truth about our ego and God’s grace.

Blessed are the pure in heart: they shall see God
Matthew 5:8

“The sixth Beatitude is about seeing and single-heartedness. It is when the mind is held inside of the heart, and never outside, which is an excellent description of contemplation, by the way. When the heart is right, seeing will be right, Jesus says. He ties together a good heart with correct seeing. It took modern psychology, and what we call the defense mechanisms of the ego, to prove that he was absolutely right.

Consider the saying, “Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.” So is God. All we need to do is keep the lens open and honest and warm, which is the central work of spirituality. If your heart is cold, your vision is distorted. Pure motives tend to see pure motives, anger tends to see anger, love always sees loves, and God in you sees God everywhere!

There is a likeness between the seer and what is seen and can be seen. Probably Meister Eckhart (c. 1260 – c. 1328) said it best, “The eyes with which we look back at God are the very same eyes with which God has first looked at us.” Richard Rohr

• Are there areas of pride that keep surfacing hiding a deeper need to be known or loved?

• Are you willing to consider God’s lenses of love and grace that he sees you through? If so, how might your life be different?

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Does Anybody Hear Her?

2009-07-28T11:33:00.005-05:00
For the last three months, most of my days and nights have been in bed. For the most part, my spirits have been good. I have a great support system that not only keep me company but they provide care and nurturing. They listen to me, they hear my fears and walk through the ugliness of chemo with me. They help me with all of the practical things required for daily life and are helping me walk through the ”business” side of being sick. (forms, forms, forms)

So for 90% of the time, I have all I need. Today, the 10% is taking me down. I am tired of being in bed, I feel like a burden on others and I feel like I am going down into an emotional black hole. When I am alone, I feel like a five year old who longs for Mom’s presence just to know I am safe. As a single woman, I am fortunate to have some significant friendships that fill in the spaces but there are still times when I cry out and no one is there. The rest of the world still has to live their life and my cancer doesn’t change that. Yes I know God is always present and always hears my cries. But as real as God’s presence was yesterday, He is equally silent today.

I understand that a good night’s sleep, sitting with friends or simply walking through today’s darkness will usher in another day and most likely the dark cloud will be gone.

However, in the middle of indulging myself in these feelings I have thought about all of the people around me who understand this darkness. For many, it occupies the majority of their life. Do we realize they are there or are we so protected by our Christian friends and Christian activities that we are not listening for their voices? Depression is real and deadly in our culture. People are going down all around us and no one is listening. We spend more time on strategic plans, raising money, following the latest successful church model and arguing over our interpretation of certain passages of scripture than we do looking for the lost sheep that is in danger. If I am to be totally honest, I would be one of the broken and barely functioning, were it not for loving friends and a real grasp of God’s grace (and Lexapro.)

I heard this song last week and it came to me today in my sadness.

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

Today, I am raising my hand saying, it hurts, I’m not sure everything will turn out like the doctor predicts. I am lonely, I want to be well. I am tired of my limitations, surrender is so hard. Does God really have plans for me to “prosper?” I know lots of great people who love the Lord and they are hurting, broken and bankrupt. God never promised a fairytale ending, in fact He is known as the Man of sorrows. He begged God to change the plan at the last minute and God did not. Today, for me, Christianity is not the easy way out. What will bring me through is that tiny bit of faith that allows me to say, “Lord I believe, help me in my unbelief.” I know He will.

Though this blog is a time for me to share my own feelings, more importantly it is a plea to ask you to make a call to someone that you haven’t heard from in a long time or someone you know that could be encouraged by your presence. Look into your own world and have eyes to see the people that are falling down. I challenge you to let them know you hear them. I will be cared for 5 minutes after I hit the send button. It is the person who does not have the blog or the support system or intimate friendships that I stand for today. You will find them “under the shadow of our steeples” hoping that someone can see them.

If you are the one going down today, please make a call or make as many calls as you need to until you find someone that can hear you. Most people do care, we just become self absorbed in our small world about things that don’t really matter. Do not buy into the lie, that you do not matter. Raise your hand with me today and keep calling until someone comes. I am praying for you right now. I know you are out there. Do not lose hope. God’s mercies are new every morning. We can do this a day at a time.

Oh, and by the way, to my Christian friends… it’s probably not the best day to send me Roman’s 8:28.

Loving every one of you as a fellow traveler on the journey.

Connie

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Time To Kick Some Chemo

2009-07-15T08:50:00.015-05:00
Thanks for all the birthday wishes and for your prayers for my treatment today. Because the last one almost killed me I have been a little anxious about this morning. However, I woke up with a heart full of God’s love for me and the belief that He still has plans for me.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
So, forgive me if I offend you, but I am going out this morning to kick some chemo ass. It may take me down a little, but it is getting me well.

As someone who is on the journey of continually walking through my own brokenness (not always by my choice), I still feel God’s calling to walk alongside others who have found life to be challenging. I still believe in the “God of Second Chances” and I still believe that it is in our pain that we find new life.

So, if you are struggling like me, do not lose hope. Don’t resist your brokenness. Go with it and find the man or woman that is underneath the pain. I believe you will find the truth underneath all of your self protective strategies and when you are stripped of all the masks that you hide behind, you will find the truth that makes you free.

In the Barnabas Journey we have an exercise where we claim some of the gifts or the truth about who we are because of the grace of God. I am starting today with this gift of truth about who I am in “My Fathers Eyes.”

By The Grace of God,
I Am A Special, Worthy and Complete Woman,
Who Needs God’s Help

Connie

Please forgive me for not personally answering emails right now. I read every one of your words of encouragement and they provide great comfort. However, I am low on energy and am finding it hard to stay caught up. So, here is one big thank you coming your way.

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I Miss You Mark

2009-06-24T01:41:00.010-05:00
I have stared at a blank page for a month trying to write about a good friend of mine who took his life one year ago. The grief is still so deep that I have not been able to put words to it. I think I am afraid that people will forget how he helped change so many of us. I cling to his memory, full of thanks for every morsel of truth that he mirrored to me. For those of you who did not know Mark, I invite you to read the text of my eulogy at his funeral. It may not be the best way to honor him but I don’t know what else to say. I must share his life as best I can.

You have had the privilege of hearing and meeting some of the people who walked alongside Mark as a friend or mentor. Though he was one of my best friends and co-worker, I am here representing the group of people who sat on the couch. Not the living room couch where friends and family sat but, you know, the big Blue one. (Mark was my therapist)

In case you were not fortunate enough to sit on that couch, let me see if I can give you a little taste of the gifts we received.

Week after week I crawled into that office sure that I was facing the crisis of a life time. Within 60 minutes Mark had convinced me that this was what I had been waiting for my whole life. It was my perfect opportunity to “Grow up.”

If you saw Mark professionally at some point you realized that getting a weekly time slot on his calendar was the way to go. If seeing him required a return phone call forget it. I don’t think he ever understood that returning phone calls and emails was his opportunity to “grow up.”

I can’t answer for all of you, but for me, I finally gave up trying to dress nice for our appointment because his shirts were always prettier than mine.

His hugs were so big that sometime I felt like a skinny person. It didn’t seem to matter how large I was he got those arms around me.

I was always thrilled when he launched into his “neurological brain talk.” It was an out for me because then I could believe that my emotional trauma was simply the result of patterns in my brain that were put there by someone else.

I liked to meet with him on Monday and offer him a cookie (he fasted every Monday.)

I loved to grab that fat little face of his in my hands and break into hysterical laughter over something that was probably a little irreverent.

Mark was brilliant. He could challenge the brightest of people and make things simple enough for a child to understand.

I loved to go to church when Lauren or Hannah (his daughters) were singing. Their singing was beautiful but seeing their father captivated by them was every little girls dream.

I liked it when things were really hard in a session and at the end he would give me a big hug and whisper a prayer in my ear.

I think the reason that we, “the couch people” are here today is that in Marks office and in his heart we found unconditional love and grace. He knew the worst parts of me and I never once felt ashamed in his presence. He gave grace that most people just talk about. He saw in us what we could not see in ourselves.

So why is it that I am standing up here today saying these things at a memorial service about a man who took his life? If he knew all of these things, surely he knew better.

After six days of fluctuating between anger and sadness this is what I am sure of...

Mark was a giver. He gave because he made a difference. He gave because God gifted him with a unique, powerful ability to understand people’s pain and love them in a way that helped change them.

When someone like Mark is contributing in “the sweet spot” of their gifts, in can be intoxicating. When someone like this comes along, we as the recipients of these gifted people must remember that they have limits. They are not God. They experience fear, sin, shame and disillusionment just like us. We are all plagued with hurt and pain to various degrees. Mark was too. But that’s what made him great at what he did.

Some people say that suicide is a selfish act. I think for some it is. For Mark, I don’t believe so. I believe that the pain that he knew so well deceived him into believing that he was doing the best thing for the people that he loved.

In 2001 Mark emailed these words to someone in his Barnabas group.

"The particular significance of psalm 139 is that it, for me is the prayer of exposure... i am so prone to stay hidden (at least the dark side of me) but i know that the only way to freedom is to be exposed... i love the fact that Jesus loves me so much that i can be fully exposed in my darkness and he brings light there... i don't have to hide in shame or fear.. that is, for me, the basis of true freedom and genuine authenticity... It’s incredible grace."

Mark led other people to the light and the grace of Jesus. He knew God's love for him and like us, constantly fought the battle between the truth and the lie. People will make up all kinds of reasons for Mark’s choice to end his life. It was not a good choice. It has and will cause great pain. But let’s not deceive ourselves into knowing what he was going through. Let’s be people of grace.

In our sadness, we think the darkness has won. But I know that if Mark could say something to me today, he would say, “What I told you is true. But it’s even better than I could describe it. When I was fully exposed in my darkest night, Jesus brought the light. I will never again have to hide in shame and fear. By the Grace of God, I am truly free.

Today, we grieve, tomorrow, let’s take the truth, as best we can out to people as Mark did for us. That is his legacy. His life and his death will make a difference if we go out and give what we were given.
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Update: Day Surgery this morning, Chemo next week.

2009-06-19T08:49:00.009-05:00
Going in for another day surgery this morning. They will be putting in the port for my Chemo and cleaning out the area around my lymph nodes to try and take away Breast #3. I am ready to say goodbye to it!!

Next Wednesday I begin Chemo, which will last through October. I would appreciate your prayers. This is the scary part for me. This quote helped me this morning. Don't be afraid of the "open door." If possible, ask someone to walk with you.

Help Me Now to Unclutter My Life
Celtic Daily Prayer

Lord, help me now to unclutter my life,
to organize myself in the direction of simplicity.
Lord, teach me to listen to my heart;
teach me to welcome change, instead of fearing it.
Lord, I give You these stirrings inside me,
I give you my discontent,
I give you my restlessness,
I give you my doubt,
I give you my despair,
I give you all the longings I hold inside.
Help me to listen to these signs of change, of growth;
to listen seriously and follow where they lead
through the breathtaking empty space of an open door.

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2009 Cancer Treatment - Roto-Rooter Radiation

2009-06-14T01:11:00.004-05:00
It’s been a long time since I have posted an update about my treatment with Breast Cancer. I finished radiation last week and found that the nicest people in the world work with breast cancer patients. I wouldn’t recommend praying for the diagnosis just to meet nice people, but through these gifted men and women of mercy, the tender hand of God has been holding on to me in these first few weeks of treatment.

The question I hear the most is, “How is your third breast? I am thrilled to let you know that breast #3 is slowing down. I have only been drained twice this week and the sonogram show signs of tissue beginning to fill in the gap. I think my greatest long-term fear about breast #3 is that it has simply moved up my right upper arm thus giving me a greater wing span when I raise my arm. (If you are an older woman you know exactly what I am talking about. If not, think about your grandmother and the loose skin that rocked back and forth under her upper arm.) Had I been out in the storm last Monday and caught some of the high winds, I feel quite sure that had I raised my arms I would have taken flight.

The other breast trauma was this special radiation that I am fortunate to have qualified for. Rather than shooting radioactive beams on the outside of the body they inserted a “balloon” into the cavity where the tumor was removed. The end of the balloon comes out of the breast as a port on the outside of the body. Twice a day, they had this machine that looks like a “Roto-Rooter” and they attach it to the balloon. Then,everyone left the room and went into a “protective room” while the Roto-Rooter and I are filled with radioactive beads. The radiation went straight to the tumor site so only the tissue that surrounded the tumor was destroyed. Once the treatment was over and the Roto-Rooter was sucked back into the machine, the staff came back into the room, unhooked me and then held a Geiger Counter in front of me. For real!!

Even with all of this excitement, I have had virtually no suffering. As I read about other breast cancer survivors and discover friends, including two friends who had mastectomy’s this week, I am reminded of the real suffering in life. It may be physical, emotional or spiritual, but we are all subject to suffering and sorrow. I think the surprise in this for me is that joy and peace can exist in the midst of crisis. In fact it is often the crisis or pain that gives birth to freedom, peace and joy.

In talking with a friend tonight we asked the question, does suffering have to precede growth or joy? Probably not. I have had seasons in life where sheer delight and witnessing the majesty of God are equally as spiritual. Very few things compare to walking a trail in the Rocky Mountains or looking out at the ocean where land is no where in sight. Seeing someone grasp the grace of God or their own worth as the “Beloved” is on the top ten of my “God moments.” So, in scarcity and in abundance we see the tender hand of God… even for a three breasted radioactive woman.

Thanks to all of you for your prayers and precious notes of support.
I love you dearly.
Connie

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Breast Cancer Adds Third Breast to Dallas Woman

2009-05-23T22:23:00.008-05:00
Thank you for the emails, thoughts and prayers that have come my way. I have not really been on email since the surgery so please forgive me for not responding to each of you individually. Even though I am not on the computer regularly, I remain grateful for your prayers and your well wishes.

I am giving you two updates below. The “short version” is the bottom line of my current condition. For those of you like me, who want all the details, I couldn’t help sharing some of the graphic details from my “set of glasses.” If you are easily offended, stop with the short version.

Short Version: I am doing well, in some pain due to extra fluid. Left the house a couple of times but I tire easily. Radiology scheduled to begin June 1.

Long, Gory, Dramatic, Uncensored, Explicit, Rated R Version, (read if you wish): I am learning quickly that when a person has a serious disease, most of the choices are already made for them. Few of us would choose what goes on in those little pink examination rooms. Though you will see me making light of my treatment, I assure you it is simply me trying to maintain my sense of humor. I am incredibly grateful for the folks know that what they’re doing and that they are not wimps like me.

As you all know, the surgery and removal of a few lymph nodes was very successful without any indication of further tumors. I have two incisions. The first one is where they removed the tumor and the second one (almost under my arm) is where they removed the lymph nodes.

The first couple of days of recovery went well, just a little sore. On or around day three I began to grow a third breast where my lymph nodes were removed. After another 24 hours, I found myself carrying around this third breast in my hand. The required after surgery sports bra could not contain it. I thought of so many of my friends who have carried an equal or greater amount of breast poundage around their entire life. How do they do it without holding them (breasts) to keep them from bouncing around, thus causing great pain to the torso that is required to keep them attached?

Concerned about this third breast, I called the Dr. and they had me come in. She notified me that I had a large amount of fluid that had built up where they removed the lymph nodes. As you probably know, surgeons typically don’t really think anything is a big deal. Very calmly she informed me that she was going to remove the fluid. I’m thinking, OK… will I go back “under” or what? She turned around with a needle and vile and began sucking the fluid out of my new breast, moving the needle around guided by the image on the sonogram. She took out 5-6 giant vials and then decided that the needle was too small. She turned back around with a needle the size of a knitting needle. Twelve vials later she stopped and poured the inside of my now deflated third breast into a large measuring cup. She recorded the amount of fluid then told me to make another appointment because she was sure it was going to fill back up.

As she predicted, the “third breast” filled up again but this time I did not watch. (Duh. Can’t tell you why I watched all 18 vials fill up the first time.) They drained twice as much fluid on Thursday and as of today, (Saturday) it has filled up again. I will probably go in tomorrow and then have it drained again next Wednesday when she inserts the radiation balloon in the cavity of Breast #2. They will drain Breast #3 as often as they need to until it dries up and the other lymph nodes take over. The goal is to end up with my too small original breasts.

I feel as though I have neglected Breast #1 in all of my correspondence but I guess that is typical… The good kid doesn’t get the attention. Never thought I would say this, but I am very proud of Breast #1.

Next week will be filled with appointments and tests to prepare for radiation on June 1. It is a fairly new type of radiation called Intracavitary brachytherapy. This method of brachytherapy consists of a small balloon attached to a thin tube. The deflated balloon is inserted into the space left by the lumpectomy and is filled with a salt water solution. The balloon and tube are left in place throughout treatment (with the end of the tube sticking out of the breast). Twice a day a source of radioactivity is placed into the middle of the balloon through the tube and then removed. This is done for 5 days as an outpatient treatment. The balloon is then deflated and removed.

Chemotherapy will follow after 2-3 weeks of additional healing from surgery and radiation.

One last note… Don’t let those little pink examination rooms fool you. Torture goes on there.

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"Ms. Freeman, you have Breast Cancer"

2009-05-11T01:37:00.013-05:00
Warning!! Very long post. This one, as others, is more of a learning process for me.

Three weeks ago I heard these words (Ms. Freeman, you have Breast Cancer.”) from a stranger after a sonogram. First of all, I never dreamed of having Breast Cancer. I was prepared for a heart attack, but never breast cancer. (If you know me, you know my arteries are filled with butter, bacon, eggs, all kinds of fried foods and every thing else that clogs the arteries.) If I was going to hear these words, shouldn’t I have been in the hospital, surrounded by friends and family when the Doctor came in to deliver the shocking news? I guess not. I dressed and walked out of the room wondering, well what should I do now? It’s 2:00 in the afternoon. Do I just call my close friends and family, ask about their day and say, “I just thought you might want to know that I have Breast Cancer.” It all sounded so dramatic. Since then, I have had tests, then waited. More tests, waited again. Bad news, then not so bad news. Finally, tomorrow at 9:00 am the surgeon is going in to take the tumor out.

Right now it is 11:45 pm and I have only 15 minutes to eat or drink anything I want. If you could see what all I have chosen for the “last supper and last snack” you might wonder if they shouldn’t be operating on my brain instead. If I should die “on the table” I want to make sure that I had Braums Banana Nut cookies just in case they don’t bake those in heaven. I have used the “If I die” card as many times as I could today but not too many people took the bait.

Kidding aside, my prognosis looks good. I have Stage II, grade III breast cancer. My tumor is now 3 cm large but there is no reason to believe that with the surgery, chemo and radiation that the cancer cells cannot be eliminated. We will find out tomorrow if the lymph nodes are involved.

The cancer diagnosis has caused me to think about what really matters to me. Stress probably played a significant role in my disease and stress and attitude will play a part in my recovery. I am going on a “stress free” diet.

Life was so stressful and painful last year that cancer seems like a breeze. How sad and how telling that I have lived this way during the last nine months. I missed priceless moments because of grief and fear. I have a wake-up call and another "second chance" at life.

We play a “game” in Barnabas called “What’s left unsaid.” I’ve thought a lot about that this weekend. There were so many words last year and so many things “said” that I have not taken stock of what I really want to say. So, I am going to play this game tonight and say “what is left unsaid.” I want to say…

I’m sorry to anyone whom I have wounded.

I am in the process of learning how to truly forgive you if you wounded me.

I am saddened by the saying that “The church is the only organization that I know of who shoot their wounded.” I found this to be true. However, I also found that Jesus and the Body of Christ can still be found in the most unlikely places.

Freedom is only found when I allow the illusions that I have created to fall to the ground. It is then that the ground beneath me can not fall out from under me. The truth has set me free.

I am blessed to have loved deeply and blessed to be the recipient of others love. I have a few friends who are friends, no matter what. You know who you are. Thank you for saving my life last fall.

I am sure that Jesus loves all people and that all are welcome at the table.

Pride does come before a fall. Damn ego!!

I wish that all of us could just be nice to each other. Judgments and shame kill people.

I love my son and my daughter.

Being a grandmother is better than being a mother.

Children and disabled people are the face of God.

The “I’m Right” game destroys relationships, organizations and churches.

God sends manna and money from the sky just in time.

I have met people who have different faith beliefs and I am struck by their goodness and grace.

When I thought that I could not live another minute, God sent Mercy.

“I never dreamed that home would end up a place that I don’t belong.”

My dog Katy is the most beautiful of Gods creatures.

Many people have suffered and died to give me the freedom that I have. I pray that I can pave the way for people after me so that they do not have to be judged.

Martin Luther King and everyday men and women were courageous when they fought for civil rights. Why am I just now “getting this?”

At 53, I still miss my Dad. He made me feel safe.

I miss my friend Mark. He could have helped. I wish I could have helped him.

Jesus loves me, this I know.

Most importantly, I believe that…

Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.

Whatever it takes, I long to be in “that” group. I have a long way to go and will not get close until Jesus has made me perfect but His words bring me peace and remind me of what needs to be said and done as one of His beloved.

Looking forward to continuing this journey of grace with many of you.

Connie
(Sorry, but this is Barnabas lingo) By The Grace of God, I Am a Special, Worthy and Complete Woman, Who Needs God’s Help.

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The Ego... Two Sides of One Coin

2009-05-01T00:58:00.015-05:00
This last post in April is the last of a four week discussion on the “Ego.” If you read this blog regularly, you may realize that this post is later in the week than the usual Tuesday night ramblings. The simple reason that I am finally posting at 11:59 on April 30 is that I feel I must get this written in April or this will be just one more thing that reflects my inadequacy.

You see all week long, I have been living in the worst part of my ego. Surprisingly enough it is not so much the “I am better,” or "prideful" part of my ego as it is the “woe is me, I am in a bad mood” kind of thinking. As I was trying to build up the other side of my self which tells me that I have something worth contributing, I realized that the flip side of my false self is when I am way too concerned about failure or rejection. It is then when I want you to validate my ego. I am fascinated at the dances that we (I) perform on both sides of that coin (pride and less than.)

Ekert Tolle says that the ego is fed and nourished when we live in the past or the future. I have been consumed with the past and the future this week and was unwilling to simply take this moment, this minute that God gave me right now to simply be whoever I am; right or wrong, good or bad, loved or unloved, accepted or unacceptable, happy or unhappy. I have missed the now because I am angry about the past and fearful of the future. Notice the lack of freedom, grace and sheer pleasure when I live in one of those two extremes.

Tonight, as I am unable to set an example of someone living outside the “ego,” I would like to share some of the teachers that are encouraging me on this most difficult journey of “losing my life to find it.”

"Jesus did not move from Jesus to the Christ without death and resurrection. We have to let go of the ego names by which we have named ourselves (good and bad) and become the naked self before the naked God. That will always feel like dying. We need to know, experientially, that "I am who I am who I am", and THAT naked, undecorated self is already and forever the beloved child of God.” Richard Rohr

"In order to become myself I must cease to be what I always thought I wanted to be, and in order to find myself I must go out of myself, and in order to live I have to die." Thomas Merton

(This passage from Merton is my favorite. It is a good way to usher in the month of May)
“Give me the strength that waits upon You in silence and peace. Give me humility in which alone is rest, and deliver me from pride which is the heaviest of burdens. And possess my whole heart and soul with the simplicity of love. Occupy my whole life with the one thought and the one desire of love, that I may love not for the sake of merit, not for the sake of perfection, not for the sake of virtue, not for the sake of sanctity, but for You alone.” Thomas Merton
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• Are you feeling inadequate in certain area’s of your life? If so, ask yourself how that could be the false self or the impostor deceiving you.

• Are you angry about the past or fearful of the future? What could you gain by living in this moment?

• Meditate on this simple prayer by Thomas Merton… Give me humility in which alone is rest, and deliver me from pride which is the heaviest of burdens. And possess my whole heart and soul with the simplicity of love

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Our Ego... The Imposter

2009-04-22T00:06:00.005-05:00
Years ago I read Brennan Manning’s book, “Abba’s Child.” On his incredible journey of teaching me about being God’s “Beloved,” he speaks of the imposter in his life. I think this imposter is what today, we are calling the ego. Here is a conversation that he had with his “imposter” on the last day of a 30 day silent retreat.

“Good morning, impostor… You taught me how to hide my real self from everyone and initiated a lifelong process of concealment, containment, and withdrawal. Your resourcefulness enabled me to survive. But then your other side appeared and you started lying to me. Brennan, you whispered, if you persist in this folly of being yourself, your few long-suffering friends will hit the bricks, leaving you all alone. Stuff your feelings, shut down your memories, withhold your opinions, and develop social graces so you'll fit in wherever you are.

And so, the elaborate game of pretense and deception began. Because it worked I raised no objection. But you (imposter) needed someone to bridle you and rein you in. I had neither the perception nor the courage to tame you. Your appetite for attention and affirmation became insatiable. I never confronted you with the lie because I was deceived myself.

The bottom line, my pampered playmate, is that you are both needy and selfish. You need care, love, and a safe dwelling place. On this last day in the Rockies my gift is to take you where, unknowingly, you have longed to be...... in the presence of Jesus.”

My ego is born out of the same longings that Brennan speaks of. I needed it when I was young, but as an adult, it became a time bomb in my life. I am embarrassed to say that at fifty-three, I am standing naked and unarmed for the first time in my life. I have spent a lifetime trying to be good enough, trying to “love well” so that I could be assured of others love. (Give to get would be a more honest description.) Though I am at the beginning of this honest life, I am at peace. I have my family, a few good friends and a small community of people who are broken, just like me.

If you are still trying to hold up this imposter in your life, I encourage you to loosen your grip as much as you are able. You can humbly embrace your true identity or risk stepping on the land mine of pride that has masked your naked, needy self.

Though the journey can be painful, the truth really will set you free.

• How does your “imposter” present him/herself to your world?

• Consider your deepest fears and your true longings. What do you do to get hose longings met?

• Consider how your life might look different if you gave up the pretense of self protection and were free enough to simply live your life.

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“God’s Got One More Move!”

2009-04-14T22:05:00.005-05:00
This month we are looking at the Ego but I would like to change this week’s devotion because of Easter. Last Sunday, I heard a pastor, Shante’ Buckley, speak and I will never forget this particular service at this particular time in my life. The title of her message was “Hope is Rising,” but the theme for me was “God Has One More Move!” She told the story of a man and his wife who toured an art museum. The man was a master chess player and really didn’t want to go the museum. However, when he was there looking at paintings with his wife, he walked past a painting that depicted a man playing chess with a character that represented the devil. The man had one player left on the board, the King. The devil had surrounded the King and the name of the painting was “Check-Mate.” The master chessman was fascinated with the painting so he told his wife to continue with the tour and he would catch up with her. The woman finished the tour and came back to find her husband still gazing at the painting. He looked at her and said, this painter has it all wrong. He either needs to change the name of his painting or change the painting. He said, there is no check-mate here. The king has Got One More Move. Then this incredible preacher went on to talk about the God of Second chances. This lady was preaching it!

“When Daniel was in that lions den and the king came back expecting him to be dead, he called out to Daniel. Daniel shouted back to the King. My God sent his angel and he shut the mouths of the lions.” Then the pastor shouted, “the King didn’t know it but God Had One More Move!”

She went on to tell story after story of people in the Bible who had no chance… but God Had One More Move!”

Lastly she said Jesus was crucified on Friday and they all thought it was over… They didn’t know it… but God Had One More Move!”

I could not stop the flow of tears as hope swelled up in my heart at the thought of God looking at me and saying, “Don’t worry, God’s Got One More Move.”
My soul has been longing to hear that message. There have been times during the last 9 months that I thought my life was over, but on Sunday, I was reminded that even in the most challenging seasons of my life… God Has One More Move!” (…or two or three or perhaps as many as I need.)

• When has God surprised you in the past and lifted you up from what seemed to be a hopeless situation?

• What circumstances or relationships are you in where you are longing to believe the message that God Has One More Move?

• Are you willing to risk believing in Hope? If you are, then let’s take this journey one day at a time and thank God that His Mercies are New Every Morning.

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The Ego - I Thought I Got Rid Of That Last Week

2009-04-07T21:37:00.006-05:00
A lot is being written and discussed these days about the ego. Spiritual directors, talk show hosts, “How to” books and even the Bible.

I have had some serious battles with this deceiving giant most of my life. I find it impossible to keep it contained outside of humiliation, shame or crisis. Perhaps it is because when there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to lose. My therapist told me that “God allows all of our illusions to fall because after the illusion of who we think we are or the world we thought we lived in blows up, the ground becomes stable beneath us. The truth will not collapse under our feet.” A friend says, “Life is just one humiliating experience after another.” If we have any desire to grow… humiliation leads to humility. Author Richard Rohr calls this movement of our ego into humility and service, “The Descent.”

Several years ago I went to Israel with a group of folks from the church. There were many memorable places and experiences. The most significant for me was the “descent” into Jerusalem. It was a holy moment. We topped a mountain and there spread before us was the City of Jerusalem. I was speechless as I thought about Jesus making His descent for the last time. He entered the city knowing He was about to be falsely accused and die before the Sabbath. We recognized this act of humility last Sunday, Palm Sunday. Anyone would have expected the Son of God to enter Jerusalem as a king. But He did not. He rode in on a donkey and His grass roots followers welcomed Him with palm branches. Jesus did not descend as a King but as an example of humility and grace. Jesus lived without illusion and embraced the reality of his life. As a result, He stated the truth without arrogance, power or control.

I am sorry to say that I am still at the beginning of the “descent.” How do I get from here to there? One baby-step is to begin to ask that God remove the illusions that my ego creates to prop me up. Another is to take steps to create space for His presence through centering prayer. Jesus will never compete for that place with my ego, He simply waits until I let go. Lord, give me courage so that I am willing to give or release whatever is necessary to say goodbye to my ego that destroys the gift of Your peace.

How is your ego keeping you from a humble life?

What are the illusions that you are holding on to?

How can you "descend" in your life?

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God Have Mercy on My Soul, And Everyone Around Me

2009-03-30T22:51:00.014-05:00
I had a devotion (aka blog) already cued up to send out tonight. It was a final thought on Mercy. It was a nice story emphasizing times when I have cried out for Mercy. Then, “tonight” happened and I knew that God was calling me to be honest rather than “spiritual.” (Well I guess that honesty is spiritual, so hopefully this is both.)

This weekend we sponsored a big event for the ministry that I work with. Not only was it a big event but it was a fundraiser, which adds more intensity and an urgency for it to be successful. I typically don’t over spiritualize “spiritual warfare” but this week grief, anger, disappointment and my own character defaults have surfaced with a vengeance. By the time the event arrived on Saturday night I was sleep deprived and bouncing between extreme thoughts and emotions. I was caught in the past, fearful of the future and feeling crazy trying to eliminate what I could not control (the past and the future.) It seems like every time I think I have found peace, I take control and once again try to rely on my own resources. It is a pattern that I hate about myself. I try to make sure that everyone else feels good about “whatever” and I neglect my own self care and the ruthless honesty that is required to walk in humility and peace.

By the time I came home from work today, I was out of internal resources (Also known as "medicine," which is a metaphor used in Barnabas.) My son was demanding and before I knew it, I snapped. His disease causes him debilitating anxiety which shows up in an inability to control his own functioning, from walking to controlling his urinary functions. I had to carry him from room to room and rather than seeing his own internal struggle, I was impatient. He urinated on the couch and that triggered the land mine in me. There was not a gentle bone in my body as I got him into the bath, got him out of the bath and dressed him for bed. As I hurled him into the chair, I broke down. Then, God gave me eyes to see that I am just like Ricardo. This week, I have been full of emotions that I cannot control, anger and anxiety that I thought I had dealt with and yet God had been gentle with me. I am so ashamed. I can’t think of anyone in the world that I love more than Ricardo, but I had no Mercy. You see, when I failed to take care of myself, like getting enough rest, spending quiet time before God and forgiving rather than resenting, I committed my darkest sin; being so empty that the kindness, love and the compassion of Jesus were not in my heart when I needed them. When anger, resentment, fear and exhaustion are present, there is no room for Mercy. It’s 10:00 pm and Ricardo and I are both resting on the couch, but the evening cost both of us. Tonight, I am crying out for Mercy.

• What are the relationships in your life that trigger your impatience and resentments?

• How is God’s Mercy for their souls different from your behavior toward them?

• Are you tired, resentful and guilty of poor self-care?

• Please take some time to re-center around the grace and Mercy that God has for you, in the midst of your worst moments. Then, watch as Mercy Comes A Runnin’.

Once there was a holy place. evidence of God's embrace
And I can almost see mercy's face pressed against the veil

Looking down with longing eyes, mercy must have realized
That once His blood was sacrificed, freedom would prevail

And as the sky grew dark and the earth began to shake
With justice no longer in the way

Mercy came running like a prisoner set free
Past all my failures to the point of my need
When the sin that I carried was all I could see…
AND WHEN I COULD NOT REACH MERCY,
MERCY CAME A RUNNIN’ TO ME

Once there was a broken heart, way too human from the start
And all the years left it torn apart, hopeless and afraid

Walls I never meant to build, left this prisoner unfulfilled
Freedom called but even still, it seemed so far away

I was bound by the chains from the wages of my sin
Just when I felt like giving in

Mercy came running like a prisoner set free
Past all my failures to the point of my need
When the sin that I carried was all I could see…
AND WHEN I COULD NOT REACH MERCY,
MERCY CAME A RUNNIN’ TO ME

By Phillips, Craig and Dean

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The Least Of These

2009-03-23T00:06:00.010-05:00
During the month of March, we are highlighting the virtue of Mercy. God has been dispensing mercy for years and I am grateful to be one of His recipients.

As many of you know, I have a son, Ricardo, who is a special needs child that I adopted from Mexico. July 10 will mark our 18th anniversary of his entry into the US. Ricardo has a genetic disease that was diagnosed in 2004. The diagnosis explains so many unanswered questions that we had about the first 20 years of his life and his physical/mental/emotional challenges. Because of those issues, Ricardo has required more attention, energy, financial resources, patience and love from the many people who have surrounded him.

Two weeks ago, I had to take him to one of those emergency clinics because a two day “cold” turned into a full day of a stomach virus with a fever of 103 degrees. If you know Ricardo, you know that sitting in a hospital waiting room is not his forte. We rolled him into the crowded waiting room in a wheelchair and he was crying and passionately sharing some colorful words in Spanish. Ricardo’s “emotional expression” worked for us that Friday night as we were immediately brought back to an examining room with the nurse and doctor waiting for us. When we were waiting for the results of the blood test, I pulled the wheelchair up close to my chair and he stood up to sit in my lap. As I held my 24 year old son against my chest (don’t worry, he is the size of a twelve year old) I couldn’t stop the tears as I thought back about all of the emergency rooms and hospital rooms that we had been in through the years. The memories that flooded my mind were of the people who sat with us through many dark nights. People who lovingly restrained him when he was at risk of harming himself or others, people who held him through the night praying for God to heal him, people crying with me when the doctors thought the worst and people who had not only given him love but had been loved by him as only Ricardo can love. Through this precious boy, (one of the least by the worlds standards) I have seen MERCY sacrificially and unselfishly poured out covering both of us with comfort and love.

"The King will reply, I tell you the truth,
whatever you did for one of the least of these
brothers of mine, you did for me.” Matthew 25:39-41

Who is “one of the least” in your life?

How would your life be different if you were “one of the least” and needed mercy from other people?

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Your Mercies Are New Every Morning

2009-03-16T19:25:00.004-05:00

This is the first of a weekly word of encouragement to all those who have walked through the desert of the lost and broken. We are all at different places in our journey. Some are in the middle of the desert while others taste the refreshing waters of new life. Wherever you are, a word of compassion might be God’s gift of mercy to you this morning.

Your mercies are new every morning.
So let me wake with the dawn.
When the music is through or so it seems to be
Let me sing a new song, old things gone
Every day it's true, You make all Your mercies new
Nichole Nordeman

As most of you know, Grace has been my heart cry for the last 30 years. God’s grace is not just the foundation of redemption, but it is woven into every fabric of my being. This transforming grace will always be the message that I am compelled to share with others on the journey.

Last fall, I found myself in a desert so dark that the light of grace was barely shining. In a million pieces, I boarded an airplane to Colorado Springs, fearful that my life was over. It was there that I found MERCY. (Mercy, defined by Strong’s Bible dictionary, is to help one afflicted or seeking aid.)

A group of caring and kind people attended to me and wrapped me in mercy. Through their extravagant kindness and compassion, I began the slow process of crawling to Jesus. The pain of those days still surface at times, but because of their act of mercy, the grace of God is shining again. The book, “Hinds Feet on High Places,” refers to our traveling companions, Sorrow and Suffering. God sent Mercy to join Sorrow and Suffering and this morning (a day at a time), I am resting in Grace and Peace.

In what ways do you need mercy today?

Who has shown mercy to you?

Is someone in your life crying for mercy?

How can you show mercy to them?

Thanks to the Mercy Center and my angels of mercy: Father Bill, Tim, Donna, Nancy, Margaret, Josie, Russ and my friends who are on the journey with me.

Click on the envelope below to send to a friend.