Cancer, Death and the Daunting Question, Why?

Judy Moss died this morning at 8:00 am. I wrote my thoughts down last week after visiting her in ICU but didn’t get them in my blog before she died. My words are inadequate but I pray you will get a glimpse of this generous, gracious woman who loved well. As I reflect upon her life and her death she remains a wounded healer.

My friend Judy is dying of cancer. I met Judy after her children, Mike Moss (B9) and Liz Moss (B23) went through Barnabas. Immediately, I found her to be kind and accepting. Theologically, she is probably more conservative than I am but she has accepted me with enduring grace and unconditional love. Though we never spent much time together, when I was diagnosed with cancer last year, I received a card from her with a check in it to help with my medical bills. When I began treatments she sent a wooden cross to me to hold during chemo. When her daughter Liz came by to check on me during my illness she told me that her Mom wanted to know how I was feeling and how my family, particularly Ricardo, was holding up through my illness. Judy was doing all this while fighting her own battle as cancer was spreading throughout her body.

Watching her journey over the last few years and seeing the torment she is now enduring ignites anger in me which asks, “So what are you doing now Lord?????” Clearly in my humanity I cannot understand how God interacts with such evil tragedies like death by cancer. Seeing her in ICU today it's hard to believe she is still alive with so little left of her physical body. Yet her spirit is clearly alive and her countenance is the same as it was before she got sick: kind, humble, thoughtful and full of faith. Many would say that the Spirit of God is always evident in her presence.

Too often Christians comfort themselves or others with beliefs such as, “God has a purpose which will be revealed later” or “this must be God’s will.” I don’t buy it. Surely the creator of the universe and the lover of our souls doesn’t sit on a throne as a parent unmoved by His children’s pain. Surely our God of grace doesn’t roam the earth deciding what illness or tragedy should be assigned to certain families. I’m not willing to get into a theological argument about what God planned or even foreknew. No one can answer the overwhelming question of “why?” If they try, they haven’t suffered.

So what is true in all of this? What is God doing? He is present. And that presence fills the room with peace. His presence lifts my heart out of the questions and calms me. God’s presence is tangible as He waits for Judy to be ready. When that time comes, the absence of her Spirit in the room will be deafening. Our memories will return to life before cancer and we will be comforted by the life she lived. Her family will grieve deeply because of her physical absence but will be grateful her suffering is over.

For now, those of us who stand by them can offer our presence and that will be enough.
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God Have Mercy on My Soul, And Everyone Around Me

I had a devotion (aka blog) already cued up to send out tonight. It was a final thought on Mercy. It was a nice story emphasizing times when I have cried out for Mercy. Then, “tonight” happened and I knew that God was calling me to be honest rather than “spiritual.” (Well I guess that honesty is spiritual, so hopefully this is both.)

This weekend we sponsored a big event for the ministry that I work with. Not only was it a big event but it was a fundraiser, which adds more intensity and an urgency for it to be successful. I typically don’t over spiritualize “spiritual warfare” but this week grief, anger, disappointment and my own character defaults have surfaced with a vengeance. By the time the event arrived on Saturday night I was sleep deprived and bouncing between extreme thoughts and emotions. I was caught in the past, fearful of the future and feeling crazy trying to eliminate what I could not control (the past and the future.) It seems like every time I think I have found peace, I take control and once again try to rely on my own resources. It is a pattern that I hate about myself. I try to make sure that everyone else feels good about “whatever” and I neglect my own self care and the ruthless honesty that is required to walk in humility and peace.

By the time I came home from work today, I was out of internal resources (Also known as "medicine," which is a metaphor used in Barnabas.) My son was demanding and before I knew it, I snapped. His disease causes him debilitating anxiety which shows up in an inability to control his own functioning, from walking to controlling his urinary functions. I had to carry him from room to room and rather than seeing his own internal struggle, I was impatient. He urinated on the couch and that triggered the land mine in me. There was not a gentle bone in my body as I got him into the bath, got him out of the bath and dressed him for bed. As I hurled him into the chair, I broke down. Then, God gave me eyes to see that I am just like Ricardo. This week, I have been full of emotions that I cannot control, anger and anxiety that I thought I had dealt with and yet God had been gentle with me. I am so ashamed. I can’t think of anyone in the world that I love more than Ricardo, but I had no Mercy. You see, when I failed to take care of myself, like getting enough rest, spending quiet time before God and forgiving rather than resenting, I committed my darkest sin; being so empty that the kindness, love and the compassion of Jesus were not in my heart when I needed them. When anger, resentment, fear and exhaustion are present, there is no room for Mercy. It’s 10:00 pm and Ricardo and I are both resting on the couch, but the evening cost both of us. Tonight, I am crying out for Mercy.

• What are the relationships in your life that trigger your impatience and resentments?

• How is God’s Mercy for their souls different from your behavior toward them?

• Are you tired, resentful and guilty of poor self-care?

• Please take some time to re-center around the grace and Mercy that God has for you, in the midst of your worst moments. Then, watch as Mercy Comes A Runnin’.

Once there was a holy place. evidence of God's embrace
And I can almost see mercy's face pressed against the veil

Looking down with longing eyes, mercy must have realized
That once His blood was sacrificed, freedom would prevail

And as the sky grew dark and the earth began to shake
With justice no longer in the way

Mercy came running like a prisoner set free
Past all my failures to the point of my need
When the sin that I carried was all I could see…
AND WHEN I COULD NOT REACH MERCY,
MERCY CAME A RUNNIN’ TO ME

Once there was a broken heart, way too human from the start
And all the years left it torn apart, hopeless and afraid

Walls I never meant to build, left this prisoner unfulfilled
Freedom called but even still, it seemed so far away

I was bound by the chains from the wages of my sin
Just when I felt like giving in

Mercy came running like a prisoner set free
Past all my failures to the point of my need
When the sin that I carried was all I could see…
AND WHEN I COULD NOT REACH MERCY,
MERCY CAME A RUNNIN’ TO ME

By Phillips, Craig and Dean

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