The Ego... Two Sides of One Coin

This last post in April is the last of a four week discussion on the “Ego.” If you read this blog regularly, you may realize that this post is later in the week than the usual Tuesday night ramblings. The simple reason that I am finally posting at 11:59 on April 30 is that I feel I must get this written in April or this will be just one more thing that reflects my inadequacy.

You see all week long, I have been living in the worst part of my ego. Surprisingly enough it is not so much the “I am better,” or "prideful" part of my ego as it is the “woe is me, I am in a bad mood” kind of thinking. As I was trying to build up the other side of my self which tells me that I have something worth contributing, I realized that the flip side of my false self is when I am way too concerned about failure or rejection. It is then when I want you to validate my ego. I am fascinated at the dances that we (I) perform on both sides of that coin (pride and less than.)

Ekert Tolle says that the ego is fed and nourished when we live in the past or the future. I have been consumed with the past and the future this week and was unwilling to simply take this moment, this minute that God gave me right now to simply be whoever I am; right or wrong, good or bad, loved or unloved, accepted or unacceptable, happy or unhappy. I have missed the now because I am angry about the past and fearful of the future. Notice the lack of freedom, grace and sheer pleasure when I live in one of those two extremes.

Tonight, as I am unable to set an example of someone living outside the “ego,” I would like to share some of the teachers that are encouraging me on this most difficult journey of “losing my life to find it.”

"Jesus did not move from Jesus to the Christ without death and resurrection. We have to let go of the ego names by which we have named ourselves (good and bad) and become the naked self before the naked God. That will always feel like dying. We need to know, experientially, that "I am who I am who I am", and THAT naked, undecorated self is already and forever the beloved child of God.” Richard Rohr

"In order to become myself I must cease to be what I always thought I wanted to be, and in order to find myself I must go out of myself, and in order to live I have to die." Thomas Merton

(This passage from Merton is my favorite. It is a good way to usher in the month of May)

“Give me the strength that waits upon You in silence and peace. Give me humility in which alone is rest, and deliver me from pride which is the heaviest of burdens. And possess my whole heart and soul with the simplicity of love. Occupy my whole life with the one thought and the one desire of love, that I may love not for the sake of merit, not for the sake of perfection, not for the sake of virtue, not for the sake of sanctity, but for You alone.” Thomas Merton

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• Are you feeling inadequate in certain area’s of your life? If so, ask yourself how that could be the false self or the impostor deceiving you.

• Are you angry about the past or fearful of the future? What could you gain by living in this moment?

• Meditate on this simple prayer by Thomas Merton… Give me humility in which alone is rest, and deliver me from pride which is the heaviest of burdens. And possess my whole heart and soul with the simplicity of love



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The Least Of These

During the month of March, we are highlighting the virtue of Mercy. God has been dispensing mercy for years and I am grateful to be one of His recipients.

As many of you know, I have a son, Ricardo, who is a special needs child that I adopted from Mexico. July 10 will mark our 18th anniversary of his entry into the US. Ricardo has a genetic disease that was diagnosed in 2004. The diagnosis explains so many unanswered questions that we had about the first 20 years of his life and his physical/mental/emotional challenges. Because of those issues, Ricardo has required more attention, energy, financial resources, patience and love from the many people who have surrounded him.

Two weeks ago, I had to take him to one of those emergency clinics because a two day “cold” turned into a full day of a stomach virus with a fever of 103 degrees. If you know Ricardo, you know that sitting in a hospital waiting room is not his forte. We rolled him into the crowded waiting room in a wheelchair and he was crying and passionately sharing some colorful words in Spanish. Ricardo’s “emotional expression” worked for us that Friday night as we were immediately brought back to an examining room with the nurse and doctor waiting for us. When we were waiting for the results of the blood test, I pulled the wheelchair up close to my chair and he stood up to sit in my lap. As I held my 24 year old son against my chest (don’t worry, he is the size of a twelve year old) I couldn’t stop the tears as I thought back about all of the emergency rooms and hospital rooms that we had been in through the years. The memories that flooded my mind were of the people who sat with us through many dark nights. People who lovingly restrained him when he was at risk of harming himself or others, people who held him through the night praying for God to heal him, people crying with me when the doctors thought the worst and people who had not only given him love but had been loved by him as only Ricardo can love. Through this precious boy, (one of the least by the worlds standards) I have seen MERCY sacrificially and unselfishly poured out covering both of us with comfort and love.

"The King will reply, I tell you the truth,
whatever you did for one of the least of these
brothers of mine, you did for me.” Matthew 25:39-41


Who is “one of the least” in your life?

How would your life be different if you were “one of the least” and needed mercy from other people?



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Your Mercies Are New Every Morning

This is the first of a weekly word of encouragement to all those who have walked through the desert of the lost and broken. We are all at different places in our journey. Some are in the middle of the desert while others taste the refreshing waters of new life. Wherever you are, a word of compassion might be God’s gift of mercy to you this morning.

Your mercies are new every morning.

So let me wake with the dawn.

When the music is through or so it seems to be

Let me sing a new song, old things gone

Every day it's true, You make all Your mercies new

Nichole Nordeman

As most of you know, Grace has been my heart cry for the last 30 years. God’s grace is not just the foundation of redemption, but it is woven into every fabric of my being. This transforming grace will always be the message that I am compelled to share with others on the journey.

Last fall, I found myself in a desert so dark that the light of grace was barely shining. In a million pieces, I boarded an airplane to Colorado Springs, fearful that my life was over. It was there that I found MERCY. (Mercy, defined by Strong’s Bible dictionary, is to help one afflicted or seeking aid.)

A group of caring and kind people attended to me and wrapped me in mercy. Through their extravagant kindness and compassion, I began the slow process of crawling to Jesus. The pain of those days still surface at times, but because of their act of mercy, the grace of God is shining again. The book, “Hinds Feet on High Places,” refers to our traveling companions, Sorrow and Suffering. God sent Mercy to join Sorrow and Suffering and this morning (a day at a time), I am resting in Grace and Peace.

In what ways do you need mercy today?

Who has shown mercy to you?

Is someone in your life crying for mercy?

How can you show mercy to them?

Thanks to the Mercy Center and my angels of mercy: Father Bill, Tim, Donna, Nancy, Margaret, Josie, Russ and my friends who are on the journey with me.


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