The Imposter

In Barnabas, we talk about "The Imposter." Richard Rohr captures the real meaning of "imposter" as he relates this false self to our :shadow Self." Many of us have fallen into the trap of believing our shadow (false self, ego, imposter…) and we have paid dearly for buying into the illusion.

Search your heart and live the truth of who you are. Even though our true self is flawed and wounded, the truth cannot fall out from under us. We can finally stand on solid ground and discover that indeed, “the truth has set us free.”

SHADOWLAND

In the second half of life, we have been in regular unwelcome contact with the shadow self, which gradually detaches us from our not-so-bright personas that we so diligently constructed in the first half of life. Our “stage mask” (persona in Greek) is not bad, evil, or necessarily egocentric; it is just not “true.” It is manufactured and sustained unconsciously by our mind; but it can and will die, as all fictions must die.

Person and shadow are correlative terms. Your shadow is what you refuse to see about yourself, and what you do not want others to see. The more you have cultivated and protected a chosen persona, the more shadow work you will need to do. Be especially careful therefore of any idealized role or self-image, like that of minister, mother, doctor, nice person, professor, moral believer, or president of this or that. These are huge personas to live up to, and they trap many people in lifelong delusion. The more we are attached to and unaware of such a protected self-image, the more shadow self we will likely have. Conversely, the more we live out of our shadow self, the less capable we are of recognizing the persona we are trying to protect and project. It is like a double blindness keeping you from seeing—and being—your best and deepest self. As Jesus put it: “If the lamp within you is, in fact, darkness, what darkness there will be”

Richard Rohr

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The Ego... Two Sides of One Coin

This last post in April is the last of a four week discussion on the “Ego.” If you read this blog regularly, you may realize that this post is later in the week than the usual Tuesday night ramblings. The simple reason that I am finally posting at 11:59 on April 30 is that I feel I must get this written in April or this will be just one more thing that reflects my inadequacy.

You see all week long, I have been living in the worst part of my ego. Surprisingly enough it is not so much the “I am better,” or "prideful" part of my ego as it is the “woe is me, I am in a bad mood” kind of thinking. As I was trying to build up the other side of my self which tells me that I have something worth contributing, I realized that the flip side of my false self is when I am way too concerned about failure or rejection. It is then when I want you to validate my ego. I am fascinated at the dances that we (I) perform on both sides of that coin (pride and less than.)

Ekert Tolle says that the ego is fed and nourished when we live in the past or the future. I have been consumed with the past and the future this week and was unwilling to simply take this moment, this minute that God gave me right now to simply be whoever I am; right or wrong, good or bad, loved or unloved, accepted or unacceptable, happy or unhappy. I have missed the now because I am angry about the past and fearful of the future. Notice the lack of freedom, grace and sheer pleasure when I live in one of those two extremes.

Tonight, as I am unable to set an example of someone living outside the “ego,” I would like to share some of the teachers that are encouraging me on this most difficult journey of “losing my life to find it.”

"Jesus did not move from Jesus to the Christ without death and resurrection. We have to let go of the ego names by which we have named ourselves (good and bad) and become the naked self before the naked God. That will always feel like dying. We need to know, experientially, that "I am who I am who I am", and THAT naked, undecorated self is already and forever the beloved child of God.” Richard Rohr

"In order to become myself I must cease to be what I always thought I wanted to be, and in order to find myself I must go out of myself, and in order to live I have to die." Thomas Merton

(This passage from Merton is my favorite. It is a good way to usher in the month of May)

“Give me the strength that waits upon You in silence and peace. Give me humility in which alone is rest, and deliver me from pride which is the heaviest of burdens. And possess my whole heart and soul with the simplicity of love. Occupy my whole life with the one thought and the one desire of love, that I may love not for the sake of merit, not for the sake of perfection, not for the sake of virtue, not for the sake of sanctity, but for You alone.” Thomas Merton

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• Are you feeling inadequate in certain area’s of your life? If so, ask yourself how that could be the false self or the impostor deceiving you.

• Are you angry about the past or fearful of the future? What could you gain by living in this moment?

• Meditate on this simple prayer by Thomas Merton… Give me humility in which alone is rest, and deliver me from pride which is the heaviest of burdens. And possess my whole heart and soul with the simplicity of love



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Our Ego... The Imposter

Years ago I read Brennan Manning’s book, “Abba’s Child.” On his incredible journey of teaching me about being God’s “Beloved,” he speaks of the imposter in his life. I think this imposter is what today, we are calling the ego. Here is a conversation that he had with his “imposter” on the last day of a 30 day silent retreat.

“Good morning, impostor… You taught me how to hide my real self from everyone and initiated a lifelong process of concealment, containment, and withdrawal. Your resourcefulness enabled me to survive. But then your other side appeared and you started lying to me. Brennan, you whispered, if you persist in this folly of being yourself, your few long-suffering friends will hit the bricks, leaving you all alone. Stuff your feelings, shut down your memories, withhold your opinions, and develop social graces so you'll fit in wherever you are.

And so, the elaborate game of pretense and deception began. Because it worked I raised no objection. But you (imposter) needed someone to bridle you and rein you in. I had neither the perception nor the courage to tame you. Your appetite for attention and affirmation became insatiable. I never confronted you with the lie because I was deceived myself.

The bottom line, my pampered playmate, is that you are both needy and selfish. You need care, love, and a safe dwelling place. On this last day in the Rockies my gift is to take you where, unknowingly, you have longed to be...... in the presence of Jesus.”

My ego is born out of the same longings that Brennan speaks of. I needed it when I was young, but as an adult, it became a time bomb in my life. I am embarrassed to say that at fifty-three, I am standing naked and unarmed for the first time in my life. I have spent a lifetime trying to be good enough, trying to “love well” so that I could be assured of others love. (Give to get would be a more honest description.) Though I am at the beginning of this honest life, I am at peace. I have my family, a few good friends and a small community of people who are broken, just like me.

If you are still trying to hold up this imposter in your life, I encourage you to loosen your grip as much as you are able. You can humbly embrace your true identity or risk stepping on the land mine of pride that has masked your naked, needy self.

Though the journey can be painful, the truth really will set you free.

• How does your “imposter” present him/herself to your world?

• Consider your deepest fears and your true longings. What do you do to get hose longings met?

• Consider how your life might look different if you gave up the pretense of self protection and were free enough to simply live your life.

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The Ego - I Thought I Got Rid Of That Last Week

A lot is being written and discussed these days about the ego. Spiritual directors, talk show hosts, “How to” books and even the Bible.

I have had some serious battles with this deceiving giant most of my life. I find it impossible to keep it contained outside of humiliation, shame or crisis. Perhaps it is because when there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to lose. My therapist told me that “God allows all of our illusions to fall because after the illusion of who we think we are or the world we thought we lived in blows up, the ground becomes stable beneath us. The truth will not collapse under our feet.” A friend says, “Life is just one humiliating experience after another.” If we have any desire to grow… humiliation leads to humility. Author Richard Rohr calls this movement of our ego into humility and service, “The Descent.”

Several years ago I went to Israel with a group of folks from the church. There were many memorable places and experiences. The most significant for me was the “descent” into Jerusalem. It was a holy moment. We topped a mountain and there spread before us was the City of Jerusalem. I was speechless as I thought about Jesus making His descent for the last time. He entered the city knowing He was about to be falsely accused and die before the Sabbath. We recognized this act of humility last Sunday, Palm Sunday. Anyone would have expected the Son of God to enter Jerusalem as a king. But He did not. He rode in on a donkey and His grass roots followers welcomed Him with palm branches. Jesus did not descend as a King but as an example of humility and grace. Jesus lived without illusion and embraced the reality of his life. As a result, He stated the truth without arrogance, power or control.

I am sorry to say that I am still at the beginning of the “descent.” How do I get from here to there? One baby-step is to begin to ask that God remove the illusions that my ego creates to prop me up. Another is to take steps to create space for His presence through centering prayer. Jesus will never compete for that place with my ego, He simply waits until I let go. Lord, give me courage so that I am willing to give or release whatever is necessary to say goodbye to my ego that destroys the gift of Your peace.

How is your ego keeping you from a humble life?

What are the illusions that you are holding on to?

How can you "descend" in your life?




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