It’s been a long time since I have posted an update about my treatment with Breast Cancer. I finished radiation last week and found that the nicest people in the world work with breast cancer patients. I wouldn’t recommend praying for the diagnosis just to meet nice people, but through these gifted men and women of mercy, the tender hand of God has been holding on to me in these first few weeks of treatment.
The question I hear the most is, “How is your third breast? I am thrilled to let you know that breast #3 is slowing down. I have only been drained twice this week and the sonogram show signs of tissue beginning to fill in the gap. I think my greatest long-term fear about breast #3 is that it has simply moved up my right upper arm thus giving me a greater wing span when I raise my arm. (If you are an older woman you know exactly what I am talking about. If not, think about your grandmother and the loose skin that rocked back and forth under her upper arm.) Had I been out in the storm last Monday and caught some of the high winds, I feel quite sure that had I raised my arms I would have taken flight.
The other breast trauma was this special radiation that I am fortunate to have qualified for. Rather than shooting radioactive beams on the outside of the body they inserted a “balloon” into the cavity where the tumor was removed. The end of the balloon comes out of the breast as a port on the outside of the body. Twice a day, they had this machine that looks like a “Roto-Rooter” and they attach it to the balloon. Then,everyone left the room and went into a “protective room” while the Roto-Rooter and I are filled with radioactive beads. The radiation went straight to the tumor site so only the tissue that surrounded the tumor was destroyed. Once the treatment was over and the Roto-Rooter was sucked back into the machine, the staff came back into the room, unhooked me and then held a Geiger Counter in front of me. For real!!
Even with all of this excitement, I have had virtually no suffering. As I read about other breast cancer survivors and discover friends, including two friends who had mastectomy’s this week, I am reminded of the real suffering in life. It may be physical, emotional or spiritual, but we are all subject to suffering and sorrow. I think the surprise in this for me is that joy and peace can exist in the midst of crisis. In fact it is often the crisis or pain that gives birth to freedom, peace and joy.
In talking with a friend tonight we asked the question, does suffering have to precede growth or joy? Probably not. I have had seasons in life where sheer delight and witnessing the majesty of God are equally as spiritual. Very few things compare to walking a trail in the Rocky Mountains or looking out at the ocean where land is no where in sight. Seeing someone grasp the grace of God or their own worth as the “Beloved” is on the top ten of my “God moments.” So, in scarcity and in abundance we see the tender hand of God… even for a three breasted radioactive woman.
Thanks to all of you for your prayers and precious notes of support.
I love you dearly.
Connie
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Sunday, June 14, 2009
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Breast Cancer Adds Third Breast to Dallas Woman
Thank you for the emails, thoughts and prayers that have come my way. I have not really been on email since the surgery so please forgive me for not responding to each of you individually. Even though I am not on the computer regularly, I remain grateful for your prayers and your well wishes.
I am giving you two updates below. The “short version” is the bottom line of my current condition. For those of you like me, who want all the details, I couldn’t help sharing some of the graphic details from my “set of glasses.” If you are easily offended, stop with the short version.
Short Version: I am doing well, in some pain due to extra fluid. Left the house a couple of times but I tire easily. Radiology scheduled to begin June 1.
Long, Gory, Dramatic, Uncensored, Explicit, Rated R Version, (read if you wish): I am learning quickly that when a person has a serious disease, most of the choices are already made for them. Few of us would choose what goes on in those little pink examination rooms. Though you will see me making light of my treatment, I assure you it is simply me trying to maintain my sense of humor. I am incredibly grateful for the folks know that what they’re doing and that they are not wimps like me.
As you all know, the surgery and removal of a few lymph nodes was very successful without any indication of further tumors. I have two incisions. The first one is where they removed the tumor and the second one (almost under my arm) is where they removed the lymph nodes.
The first couple of days of recovery went well, just a little sore. On or around day three I began to grow a third breast where my lymph nodes were removed. After another 24 hours, I found myself carrying around this third breast in my hand. The required after surgery sports bra could not contain it. I thought of so many of my friends who have carried an equal or greater amount of breast poundage around their entire life. How do they do it without holding them (breasts) to keep them from bouncing around, thus causing great pain to the torso that is required to keep them attached?
Concerned about this third breast, I called the Dr. and they had me come in. She notified me that I had a large amount of fluid that had built up where they removed the lymph nodes. As you probably know, surgeons typically don’t really think anything is a big deal. Very calmly she informed me that she was going to remove the fluid. I’m thinking, OK… will I go back “under” or what? She turned around with a needle and vile and began sucking the fluid out of my new breast, moving the needle around guided by the image on the sonogram. She took out 5-6 giant vials and then decided that the needle was too small. She turned back around with a needle the size of a knitting needle. Twelve vials later she stopped and poured the inside of my now deflated third breast into a large measuring cup. She recorded the amount of fluid then told me to make another appointment because she was sure it was going to fill back up.
As she predicted, the “third breast” filled up again but this time I did not watch. (Duh. Can’t tell you why I watched all 18 vials fill up the first time.) They drained twice as much fluid on Thursday and as of today, (Saturday) it has filled up again. I will probably go in tomorrow and then have it drained again next Wednesday when she inserts the radiation balloon in the cavity of Breast #2. They will drain Breast #3 as often as they need to until it dries up and the other lymph nodes take over. The goal is to end up with my too small original breasts.
I feel as though I have neglected Breast #1 in all of my correspondence but I guess that is typical… The good kid doesn’t get the attention. Never thought I would say this, but I am very proud of Breast #1.
Next week will be filled with appointments and tests to prepare for radiation on June 1. It is a fairly new type of radiation called Intracavitary brachytherapy. This method of brachytherapy consists of a small balloon attached to a thin tube. The deflated balloon is inserted into the space left by the lumpectomy and is filled with a salt water solution. The balloon and tube are left in place throughout treatment (with the end of the tube sticking out of the breast). Twice a day a source of radioactivity is placed into the middle of the balloon through the tube and then removed. This is done for 5 days as an outpatient treatment. The balloon is then deflated and removed.
Chemotherapy will follow after 2-3 weeks of additional healing from surgery and radiation.
One last note… Don’t let those little pink examination rooms fool you. Torture goes on there.
Click on the envelope below to send to a friend.
I am giving you two updates below. The “short version” is the bottom line of my current condition. For those of you like me, who want all the details, I couldn’t help sharing some of the graphic details from my “set of glasses.” If you are easily offended, stop with the short version.
Short Version: I am doing well, in some pain due to extra fluid. Left the house a couple of times but I tire easily. Radiology scheduled to begin June 1.
Long, Gory, Dramatic, Uncensored, Explicit, Rated R Version, (read if you wish): I am learning quickly that when a person has a serious disease, most of the choices are already made for them. Few of us would choose what goes on in those little pink examination rooms. Though you will see me making light of my treatment, I assure you it is simply me trying to maintain my sense of humor. I am incredibly grateful for the folks know that what they’re doing and that they are not wimps like me.
As you all know, the surgery and removal of a few lymph nodes was very successful without any indication of further tumors. I have two incisions. The first one is where they removed the tumor and the second one (almost under my arm) is where they removed the lymph nodes.
The first couple of days of recovery went well, just a little sore. On or around day three I began to grow a third breast where my lymph nodes were removed. After another 24 hours, I found myself carrying around this third breast in my hand. The required after surgery sports bra could not contain it. I thought of so many of my friends who have carried an equal or greater amount of breast poundage around their entire life. How do they do it without holding them (breasts) to keep them from bouncing around, thus causing great pain to the torso that is required to keep them attached?
Concerned about this third breast, I called the Dr. and they had me come in. She notified me that I had a large amount of fluid that had built up where they removed the lymph nodes. As you probably know, surgeons typically don’t really think anything is a big deal. Very calmly she informed me that she was going to remove the fluid. I’m thinking, OK… will I go back “under” or what? She turned around with a needle and vile and began sucking the fluid out of my new breast, moving the needle around guided by the image on the sonogram. She took out 5-6 giant vials and then decided that the needle was too small. She turned back around with a needle the size of a knitting needle. Twelve vials later she stopped and poured the inside of my now deflated third breast into a large measuring cup. She recorded the amount of fluid then told me to make another appointment because she was sure it was going to fill back up.
As she predicted, the “third breast” filled up again but this time I did not watch. (Duh. Can’t tell you why I watched all 18 vials fill up the first time.) They drained twice as much fluid on Thursday and as of today, (Saturday) it has filled up again. I will probably go in tomorrow and then have it drained again next Wednesday when she inserts the radiation balloon in the cavity of Breast #2. They will drain Breast #3 as often as they need to until it dries up and the other lymph nodes take over. The goal is to end up with my too small original breasts.
I feel as though I have neglected Breast #1 in all of my correspondence but I guess that is typical… The good kid doesn’t get the attention. Never thought I would say this, but I am very proud of Breast #1.
Next week will be filled with appointments and tests to prepare for radiation on June 1. It is a fairly new type of radiation called Intracavitary brachytherapy. This method of brachytherapy consists of a small balloon attached to a thin tube. The deflated balloon is inserted into the space left by the lumpectomy and is filled with a salt water solution. The balloon and tube are left in place throughout treatment (with the end of the tube sticking out of the breast). Twice a day a source of radioactivity is placed into the middle of the balloon through the tube and then removed. This is done for 5 days as an outpatient treatment. The balloon is then deflated and removed.
Chemotherapy will follow after 2-3 weeks of additional healing from surgery and radiation.
One last note… Don’t let those little pink examination rooms fool you. Torture goes on there.
Click on the envelope below to send to a friend.
Monday, May 11, 2009
"Ms. Freeman, you have Breast Cancer"
Three weeks ago I heard the words, "Ms. Freeman, you have Breast Cancer.” They were spoken by a stranger after a sonogram. First of all, I never dreamed of having Breast Cancer. I was prepared for a heart attack, but never breast cancer. (If you know me, you know my arteries are filled with butter, bacon, eggs, all kinds of fried foods and every thing else that clogs the arteries.) If I was going to hear these words, shouldn’t I have been in the hospital, surrounded by friends and family when the Doctor came in to deliver the shocking news? I guess not. I dressed and walked out of the room wondering, well what should I do now? It’s 2:00 in the afternoon. Do I just call my close friends and family, ask about their day and say, “I just thought you might want to know that I have Breast Cancer.” It all sounded so dramatic. Since then, I have had tests, then waited. More tests, waited again. Bad news, then not so bad news. Finally, tomorrow at 9:00 am the surgeon is going in to take the tumor out.
Right now it is 11:45 pm and I have only 15 minutes to eat or drink anything I want. If you could see what all I have chosen for the “last supper and last snack” you might wonder if they shouldn’t be operating on my brain instead. If I should die “on the table” I want to make sure that I had Braums Banana Nut cookies just in case they don’t bake those in heaven. I have used the “If I die” card as many times as I could today but not too many people took the bait.
Kidding aside, my prognosis looks good. I have Stage II, grade III breast cancer. My tumor is now 3 cm large but there is no reason to believe that with the surgery, chemo and radiation that the cancer cells cannot be eliminated. We will find out tomorrow if the lymph nodes are involved.
The cancer diagnosis has caused me to think about what really matters to me. Stress probably played a significant role in my disease and stress and attitude will play a part in my recovery. I am going on a “stress free” diet. During the last nine months, I missed priceless moments because of grief and fear. I have a wake-up call and another "second chance" at life.
We play a “game” in Barnabas called “What’s left unsaid.” I’ve thought a lot about that this weekend. There were so many words last year and so many things “said” that I have not taken stock of what I really want to say. So, I am going to play this game tonight and say “what is left unsaid.” I want to say…
I’m sorry to anyone whom I have wounded.
I am saddened by the saying that “The church is the only organization that I know of who shoot their wounded.” I found this to be true. However, I also found that Jesus and the Body of Christ can still be found in the most unlikely places.
Freedom is only found when I allow the illusions that I have created to fall to the ground. It is then that the ground beneath me can not fall out from under me. The truth has set me free.
I am blessed to have loved deeply and blessed to be the recipient of others love. I have a few friends who are friends, no matter what. You know who you are.
I am sure that Jesus loves all people and that all are welcome at the table.
Pride does come before a fall. Damn ego!!
I wish that all of us could just be nice to each other. Judgments and shame kill people.
I love my son and my daughter.
Being a grandmother is better than being a mother.
Children and disabled people are the face of God.
The “I’m Right” game destroys relationships, organizations and churches.
God sends manna and money from the sky just in time.
I have met people who have different faith beliefs and I am struck by their goodness and grace.
When I thought that I could not live another minute, God sent Mercy.
“I never dreamed that home would end up a place that I don’t belong.”
My dog Katy is the most beautiful of Gods creatures.
Many people have suffered and died to give me the freedom that I have. I pray that I can pave the way for people after me so that they do not have to be judged.
Martin Luther King and everyday men and women were courageous when they fought for civil rights. Why am I just now “getting this?”
At 53, I still miss my Dad. He made me feel safe.
I miss my friend Mark. He could have helped. I wish I could have helped him.
Jesus loves me, this I know.
Most importantly, I believe that…
Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.
Whatever it takes, I long to be in “that” group. I have a long way to go and will not get close until Jesus has made me perfect but His words bring me peace and remind me of what needs to be said and done as one of His beloved.
Looking forward to continuing this journey of grace with many of you.
Connie
(Sorry, but this is Barnabas lingo) By The Grace of God, I Am a Special, Worthy and Complete Woman, Who Needs God’s Help.
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Friday, May 1, 2009
The Ego... Two Sides of One Coin
This last post in April is the last of a four week discussion on the “Ego.” If you read this blog regularly, you may realize that this post is later in the week than the usual Tuesday night ramblings. The simple reason that I am finally posting at 11:59 on April 30 is that I feel I must get this written in April or this will be just one more thing that reflects my inadequacy.
You see all week long, I have been living in the worst part of my ego. Surprisingly enough it is not so much the “I am better,” or "prideful" part of my ego as it is the “woe is me, I am in a bad mood” kind of thinking. As I was trying to build up the other side of my self which tells me that I have something worth contributing, I realized that the flip side of my false self is when I am way too concerned about failure or rejection. It is then when I want you to validate my ego. I am fascinated at the dances that we (I) perform on both sides of that coin (pride and less than.)
Ekert Tolle says that the ego is fed and nourished when we live in the past or the future. I have been consumed with the past and the future this week and was unwilling to simply take this moment, this minute that God gave me right now to simply be whoever I am; right or wrong, good or bad, loved or unloved, accepted or unacceptable, happy or unhappy. I have missed the now because I am angry about the past and fearful of the future. Notice the lack of freedom, grace and sheer pleasure when I live in one of those two extremes.
Tonight, as I am unable to set an example of someone living outside the “ego,” I would like to share some of the teachers that are encouraging me on this most difficult journey of “losing my life to find it.”
(This passage from Merton is my favorite. It is a good way to usher in the month of May)
• Are you feeling inadequate in certain area’s of your life? If so, ask yourself how that could be the false self or the impostor deceiving you.
• Are you angry about the past or fearful of the future? What could you gain by living in this moment?
• Meditate on this simple prayer by Thomas Merton… Give me humility in which alone is rest, and deliver me from pride which is the heaviest of burdens. And possess my whole heart and soul with the simplicity of love
Click on the envelope below to send to a friend.
You see all week long, I have been living in the worst part of my ego. Surprisingly enough it is not so much the “I am better,” or "prideful" part of my ego as it is the “woe is me, I am in a bad mood” kind of thinking. As I was trying to build up the other side of my self which tells me that I have something worth contributing, I realized that the flip side of my false self is when I am way too concerned about failure or rejection. It is then when I want you to validate my ego. I am fascinated at the dances that we (I) perform on both sides of that coin (pride and less than.)
Ekert Tolle says that the ego is fed and nourished when we live in the past or the future. I have been consumed with the past and the future this week and was unwilling to simply take this moment, this minute that God gave me right now to simply be whoever I am; right or wrong, good or bad, loved or unloved, accepted or unacceptable, happy or unhappy. I have missed the now because I am angry about the past and fearful of the future. Notice the lack of freedom, grace and sheer pleasure when I live in one of those two extremes.
Tonight, as I am unable to set an example of someone living outside the “ego,” I would like to share some of the teachers that are encouraging me on this most difficult journey of “losing my life to find it.”
"Jesus did not move from Jesus to the Christ without death and resurrection. We have to let go of the ego names by which we have named ourselves (good and bad) and become the naked self before the naked God. That will always feel like dying. We need to know, experientially, that "I am who I am who I am", and THAT naked, undecorated self is already and forever the beloved child of God.” Richard Rohr
"In order to become myself I must cease to be what I always thought I wanted to be, and in order to find myself I must go out of myself, and in order to live I have to die." Thomas Merton
(This passage from Merton is my favorite. It is a good way to usher in the month of May)
“Give me the strength that waits upon You in silence and peace. Give me humility in which alone is rest, and deliver me from pride which is the heaviest of burdens. And possess my whole heart and soul with the simplicity of love. Occupy my whole life with the one thought and the one desire of love, that I may love not for the sake of merit, not for the sake of perfection, not for the sake of virtue, not for the sake of sanctity, but for You alone.” Thomas Merton<
• Are you feeling inadequate in certain area’s of your life? If so, ask yourself how that could be the false self or the impostor deceiving you.
• Are you angry about the past or fearful of the future? What could you gain by living in this moment?
• Meditate on this simple prayer by Thomas Merton… Give me humility in which alone is rest, and deliver me from pride which is the heaviest of burdens. And possess my whole heart and soul with the simplicity of love
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Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Our Ego... The Imposter
Years ago I read Brennan Manning’s book, “Abba’s Child.” On his incredible journey of teaching me about being God’s “Beloved,” he speaks of the imposter in his life. I think this imposter is what today, we are calling the ego. Here is a conversation that he had with his “imposter” on the last day of a 30 day silent retreat.
My ego is born out of the same longings that Brennan speaks of. I needed it when I was young, but as an adult, it became a time bomb in my life. I am embarrassed to say that at fifty-three, I am standing naked and unarmed for the first time in my life. I have spent a lifetime trying to be good enough, trying to “love well” so that I could be assured of others love. (Give to get would be a more honest description.) Though I am at the beginning of this honest life, I am at peace. I have my family, a few good friends and a small community of people who are broken, just like me.
If you are still trying to hold up this imposter in your life, I encourage you to loosen your grip as much as you are able. You can humbly embrace your true identity or risk stepping on the land mine of pride that has masked your naked, needy self.
Though the journey can be painful, the truth really will set you free.
Click on the envelope below to send to a friend.
“Good morning, impostor… You taught me how to hide my real self from everyone and initiated a lifelong process of concealment, containment, and withdrawal. Your resourcefulness enabled me to survive. But then your other side appeared and you started lying to me. Brennan, you whispered, if you persist in this folly of being yourself, your few long-suffering friends will hit the bricks, leaving you all alone. Stuff your feelings, shut down your memories, withhold your opinions, and develop social graces so you'll fit in wherever you are.
And so, the elaborate game of pretense and deception began. Because it worked I raised no objection. But you (imposter) needed someone to bridle you and rein you in. I had neither the perception nor the courage to tame you. Your appetite for attention and affirmation became insatiable. I never confronted you with the lie because I was deceived myself.
The bottom line, my pampered playmate, is that you are both needy and selfish. You need care, love, and a safe dwelling place. On this last day in the Rockies my gift is to take you where, unknowingly, you have longed to be...... in the presence of Jesus.”
My ego is born out of the same longings that Brennan speaks of. I needed it when I was young, but as an adult, it became a time bomb in my life. I am embarrassed to say that at fifty-three, I am standing naked and unarmed for the first time in my life. I have spent a lifetime trying to be good enough, trying to “love well” so that I could be assured of others love. (Give to get would be a more honest description.) Though I am at the beginning of this honest life, I am at peace. I have my family, a few good friends and a small community of people who are broken, just like me.
If you are still trying to hold up this imposter in your life, I encourage you to loosen your grip as much as you are able. You can humbly embrace your true identity or risk stepping on the land mine of pride that has masked your naked, needy self.
Though the journey can be painful, the truth really will set you free.
• How does your “imposter” present him/herself to your world?
• Consider your deepest fears and your true longings. What do you do to get hose longings met?
• Consider how your life might look different if you gave up the pretense of self protection and were free enough to simply live your life.
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Tuesday, April 14, 2009
“God’s Got One More Move!”
This month we are looking at the Ego but I would like to change this week’s devotion because of Easter. Last Sunday, I heard a pastor, Shante’ Buckley, speak and I will never forget this particular service at this particular time in my life. The title of her message was “Hope is Rising,” but the theme for me was “God Has One More Move!” She told the story of a man and his wife who toured an art museum. The man was a master chess player and really didn’t want to go the museum. However, when he was there looking at paintings with his wife, he walked past a painting that depicted a man playing chess with a character that represented the devil. The man had one player left on the board, the King. The devil had surrounded the King and the name of the painting was “Check-Mate.” The master chessman was fascinated with the painting so he told his wife to continue with the tour and he would catch up with her. The woman finished the tour and came back to find her husband still gazing at the painting. He looked at her and said, this painter has it all wrong. He either needs to change the name of his painting or change the painting. He said, there is no check-mate here. The king has Got One More Move. Then this incredible preacher went on to talk about the God of Second chances. This lady was preaching it!
I could not stop the flow of tears as hope swelled up in my heart at the thought of God looking at me and saying, “Don’t worry, God’s Got One More Move.”
My soul has been longing to hear that message. There have been times during the last 9 months that I thought my life was over, but on Sunday, I was reminded that even in the most challenging seasons of my life… God Has One More Move!” (…or two or three or perhaps as many as I need.)
Click on the envelope below to send to a friend.
“When Daniel was in that lions den and the king came back expecting him to be dead, he called out to Daniel. Daniel shouted back to the King. My God sent his angel and he shut the mouths of the lions.” Then the pastor shouted, “the King didn’t know it but God Had One More Move!”
She went on to tell story after story of people in the Bible who had no chance… but God Had One More Move!”
Lastly she said Jesus was crucified on Friday and they all thought it was over… They didn’t know it… but God Had One More Move!”
I could not stop the flow of tears as hope swelled up in my heart at the thought of God looking at me and saying, “Don’t worry, God’s Got One More Move.”
My soul has been longing to hear that message. There have been times during the last 9 months that I thought my life was over, but on Sunday, I was reminded that even in the most challenging seasons of my life… God Has One More Move!” (…or two or three or perhaps as many as I need.)
• When has God surprised you in the past and lifted you up from what seemed to be a hopeless situation?
• What circumstances or relationships are you in where you are longing to believe the message that God Has One More Move?
• Are you willing to risk believing in Hope? If you are, then let’s take this journey one day at a time and thank God that His Mercies are New Every Morning.
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Tuesday, April 7, 2009
The Ego - I Thought I Got Rid Of That Last Week
A lot is being written and discussed these days about the ego. Spiritual directors, talk show hosts, “How to” books and even the Bible.
I have had some serious battles with this deceiving giant most of my life. I find it impossible to keep it contained outside of humiliation, shame or crisis. Perhaps it is because when there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to lose. My therapist told me that “God allows all of our illusions to fall because after the illusion of who we think we are or the world we thought we lived in blows up, the ground becomes stable beneath us. The truth will not collapse under our feet.” A friend says, “Life is just one humiliating experience after another.” If we have any desire to grow… humiliation leads to humility. Author Richard Rohr calls this movement of our ego into humility and service, “The Descent.”
Several years ago I went to Israel with a group of folks from the church. There were many memorable places and experiences. The most significant for me was the “descent” into Jerusalem. It was a holy moment. We topped a mountain and there spread before us was the City of Jerusalem. I was speechless as I thought about Jesus making His descent for the last time. He entered the city knowing He was about to be falsely accused and die before the Sabbath. We recognized this act of humility last Sunday, Palm Sunday. Anyone would have expected the Son of God to enter Jerusalem as a king. But He did not. He rode in on a donkey and His grass roots followers welcomed Him with palm branches. Jesus did not descend as a King but as an example of humility and grace. Jesus lived without illusion and embraced the reality of his life. As a result, He stated the truth without arrogance, power or control.
I am sorry to say that I am still at the beginning of the “descent.” How do I get from here to there? One baby-step is to begin to ask that God remove the illusions that my ego creates to prop me up. Another is to take steps to create space for His presence through centering prayer. Jesus will never compete for that place with my ego, He simply waits until I let go. Lord, give me courage so that I am willing to give or release whatever is necessary to say goodbye to my ego that destroys the gift of Your peace.
How is your ego keeping you from a humble life?
What are the illusions that you are holding on to?
How can you "descend" in your life?
Click on the envelope below to send to a friend.
I have had some serious battles with this deceiving giant most of my life. I find it impossible to keep it contained outside of humiliation, shame or crisis. Perhaps it is because when there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to lose. My therapist told me that “God allows all of our illusions to fall because after the illusion of who we think we are or the world we thought we lived in blows up, the ground becomes stable beneath us. The truth will not collapse under our feet.” A friend says, “Life is just one humiliating experience after another.” If we have any desire to grow… humiliation leads to humility. Author Richard Rohr calls this movement of our ego into humility and service, “The Descent.”
Several years ago I went to Israel with a group of folks from the church. There were many memorable places and experiences. The most significant for me was the “descent” into Jerusalem. It was a holy moment. We topped a mountain and there spread before us was the City of Jerusalem. I was speechless as I thought about Jesus making His descent for the last time. He entered the city knowing He was about to be falsely accused and die before the Sabbath. We recognized this act of humility last Sunday, Palm Sunday. Anyone would have expected the Son of God to enter Jerusalem as a king. But He did not. He rode in on a donkey and His grass roots followers welcomed Him with palm branches. Jesus did not descend as a King but as an example of humility and grace. Jesus lived without illusion and embraced the reality of his life. As a result, He stated the truth without arrogance, power or control.
I am sorry to say that I am still at the beginning of the “descent.” How do I get from here to there? One baby-step is to begin to ask that God remove the illusions that my ego creates to prop me up. Another is to take steps to create space for His presence through centering prayer. Jesus will never compete for that place with my ego, He simply waits until I let go. Lord, give me courage so that I am willing to give or release whatever is necessary to say goodbye to my ego that destroys the gift of Your peace.
How is your ego keeping you from a humble life?
What are the illusions that you are holding on to?
How can you "descend" in your life?
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