Time To Kick Some Chemo

Thanks for all the birthday wishes and for your prayers for my treatment today. Because the last one almost killed me I have been a little anxious about this morning. However, I woke up with a heart full of God’s love for me and the belief that He still has plans for me.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

So, forgive me if I offend you, but I am going out this morning to kick some chemo ass. It may take me down a little, but it is getting me well.

As someone who is on the journey of continually walking through my own brokenness (not always by my choice), I still feel God’s calling to walk alongside others who have found life to be challenging. I still believe in the “God of Second Chances” and I still believe that it is in our pain that we find new life.

So, if you are struggling like me, do not lose hope. Don’t resist your brokenness. Go with it and find the man or woman that is underneath the pain. I believe you will find the truth underneath all of your self protective strategies and when you are stripped of all the masks that you hide behind, you will find the truth that makes you free.

In the Barnabas Journey we have an exercise where we claim some of the gifts or the truth about who we are because of the grace of God. I am starting today with this gift of truth about who I am in “My Fathers Eyes.”

By The Grace of God,
I Am A Special, Worthy and Complete Woman,
Who Needs God’s Help

Connie

Please forgive me for not personally answering emails right now. I read every one of your words of encouragement and they provide great comfort. However, I am low on energy and am finding it hard to stay caught up. So, here is one big thank you coming your way.

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I Miss You Mark

I have stared at a blank page for a month trying to write about a good friend of mine who took his life one year ago. The grief is still so deep that I have not been able to put words to it. I think I am afraid that people will forget how he helped change so many of us. I cling to his memory, full of thanks for every morsel of truth that he mirrored to me. For those of you who did not know Mark, I invite you to read the text of my eulogy at his funeral. It may not be the best way to honor him but I don’t know what else to say. I must share his life as best I can.

You have had the privilege of hearing and meeting some of the people who walked alongside Mark as a friend or mentor. Though he was one of my best friends and co-worker, I am here representing the group of people who sat on the couch. Not the living room couch where friends and family sat but, you know, the big Blue one. (Mark was my therapist)

In case you were not fortunate enough to sit on that couch, let me see if I can give you a little taste of the gifts we received.

Week after week I crawled into that office sure that I was facing the crisis of a life time. Within 60 minutes Mark had convinced me that this was what I had been waiting for my whole life. It was my perfect opportunity to “Grow up.”

If you saw Mark professionally at some point you realized that getting a weekly time slot on his calendar was the way to go. If seeing him required a return phone call forget it. I don’t think he ever understood that returning phone calls and emails was his opportunity to “grow up.”

I can’t answer for all of you, but for me, I finally gave up trying to dress nice for our appointment because his shirts were always prettier than mine.

His hugs were so big that sometime I felt like a skinny person. It didn’t seem to matter how large I was he got those arms around me.

I was always thrilled when he launched into his “neurological brain talk.” It was an out for me because then I could believe that my emotional trauma was simply the result of patterns in my brain that were put there by someone else.

I liked to meet with him on Monday and offer him a cookie (he fasted every Monday.)

I loved to grab that fat little face of his in my hands and break into hysterical laughter over something that was probably a little irreverent.

Mark was brilliant. He could challenge the brightest of people and make things simple enough for a child to understand.

I loved to go to church when Lauren or Hannah (his daughters) were singing. Their singing was beautiful but seeing their father captivated by them was every little girls dream.

I liked it when things were really hard in a session and at the end he would give me a big hug and whisper a prayer in my ear.

I think the reason that we, “the couch people” are here today is that in Marks office and in his heart we found unconditional love and grace. He knew the worst parts of me and I never once felt ashamed in his presence. He gave grace that most people just talk about. He saw in us what we could not see in ourselves.

So why is it that I am standing up here today saying these things at a memorial service about a man who took his life? If he knew all of these things, surely he knew better.

After six days of fluctuating between anger and sadness this is what I am sure of...

Mark was a giver. He gave because he made a difference. He gave because God gifted him with a unique, powerful ability to understand people’s pain and love them in a way that helped change them.

When someone like Mark is contributing in “the sweet spot” of their gifts, in can be intoxicating. When someone like this comes along, we as the recipients of these gifted people must remember that they have limits. They are not God. They experience fear, sin, shame and disillusionment just like us. We are all plagued with hurt and pain to various degrees. Mark was too. But that’s what made him great at what he did.

Some people say that suicide is a selfish act. I think for some it is. For Mark, I don’t believe so. I believe that the pain that he knew so well deceived him into believing that he was doing the best thing for the people that he loved.

In 2001 Mark emailed these words to someone in his Barnabas group.

"The particular significance of psalm 139 is that it, for me is the prayer of exposure... i am so prone to stay hidden (at least the dark side of me) but i know that the only way to freedom is to be exposed... i love the fact that Jesus loves me so much that i can be fully exposed in my darkness and he brings light there... i don't have to hide in shame or fear.. that is, for me, the basis of true freedom and genuine authenticity... It’s incredible grace."

Mark led other people to the light and the grace of Jesus. He knew God's love for him and like us, constantly fought the battle between the truth and the lie. People will make up all kinds of reasons for Mark’s choice to end his life. It was not a good choice. It has and will cause great pain. But let’s not deceive ourselves into knowing what he was going through. Let’s be people of grace.

In our sadness, we think the darkness has won. But I know that if Mark could say something to me today, he would say, “What I told you is true. But it’s even better than I could describe it. When I was fully exposed in my darkest night, Jesus brought the light. I will never again have to hide in shame and fear. By the Grace of God, I am truly free.

Today, we grieve, tomorrow, let’s take the truth, as best we can out to people as Mark did for us. That is his legacy. His life and his death will make a difference if we go out and give what we were given.

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Update: Day Surgery this morning, Chemo next week.

Going in for another day surgery this morning. They will be putting in the port for my Chemo and cleaning out the area around my lymph nodes to try and take away Breast #3. I am ready to say goodbye to it!!

Next Wednesday I begin Chemo, which will last through October. I would appreciate your prayers. This is the scary part for me. This quote helped me this morning. Don't be afraid of the "open door." If possible, ask someone to walk with you.

Help Me Now to Unclutter My Life
Celtic Daily Prayer

Lord, help me now to unclutter my life,
to organize myself in the direction of simplicity.
Lord, teach me to listen to my heart;
teach me to welcome change, instead of fearing it.
Lord, I give You these stirrings inside me,
I give you my discontent,
I give you my restlessness,
I give you my doubt,
I give you my despair,
I give you all the longings I hold inside.
Help me to listen to these signs of change, of growth;
to listen seriously and follow where they lead
through the breathtaking empty space of an open door.

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2009 Cancer Treatment - Roto-Rooter Radiation

It’s been a long time since I have posted an update about my treatment with Breast Cancer. I finished radiation last week and found that the nicest people in the world work with breast cancer patients. I wouldn’t recommend praying for the diagnosis just to meet nice people, but through these gifted men and women of mercy, the tender hand of God has been holding on to me in these first few weeks of treatment.

The question I hear the most is, “How is your third breast? I am thrilled to let you know that breast #3 is slowing down. I have only been drained twice this week and the sonogram show signs of tissue beginning to fill in the gap. I think my greatest long-term fear about breast #3 is that it has simply moved up my right upper arm thus giving me a greater wing span when I raise my arm. (If you are an older woman you know exactly what I am talking about. If not, think about your grandmother and the loose skin that rocked back and forth under her upper arm.) Had I been out in the storm last Monday and caught some of the high winds, I feel quite sure that had I raised my arms I would have taken flight.

The other breast trauma was this special radiation that I am fortunate to have qualified for. Rather than shooting radioactive beams on the outside of the body they inserted a “balloon” into the cavity where the tumor was removed. The end of the balloon comes out of the breast as a port on the outside of the body. Twice a day, they had this machine that looks like a “Roto-Rooter” and they attach it to the balloon. Then,everyone left the room and went into a “protective room” while the Roto-Rooter and I are filled with radioactive beads. The radiation went straight to the tumor site so only the tissue that surrounded the tumor was destroyed. Once the treatment was over and the Roto-Rooter was sucked back into the machine, the staff came back into the room, unhooked me and then held a Geiger Counter in front of me. For real!!

Even with all of this excitement, I have had virtually no suffering. As I read about other breast cancer survivors and discover friends, including two friends who had mastectomy’s this week, I am reminded of the real suffering in life. It may be physical, emotional or spiritual, but we are all subject to suffering and sorrow. I think the surprise in this for me is that joy and peace can exist in the midst of crisis. In fact it is often the crisis or pain that gives birth to freedom, peace and joy.

In talking with a friend tonight we asked the question, does suffering have to precede growth or joy? Probably not. I have had seasons in life where sheer delight and witnessing the majesty of God are equally as spiritual. Very few things compare to walking a trail in the Rocky Mountains or looking out at the ocean where land is no where in sight. Seeing someone grasp the grace of God or their own worth as the “Beloved” is on the top ten of my “God moments.” So, in scarcity and in abundance we see the tender hand of God… even for a three breasted radioactive woman.

Thanks to all of you for your prayers and precious notes of support.
I love you dearly.
Connie


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Breast Cancer Adds Third Breast to Dallas Woman

Thank you for the emails, thoughts and prayers that have come my way. I have not really been on email since the surgery so please forgive me for not responding to each of you individually. Even though I am not on the computer regularly, I remain grateful for your prayers and your well wishes.

I am giving you two updates below. The “short version” is the bottom line of my current condition. For those of you like me, who want all the details, I couldn’t help sharing some of the graphic details from my “set of glasses.” If you are easily offended, stop with the short version.

Short Version: I am doing well, in some pain due to extra fluid. Left the house a couple of times but I tire easily. Radiology scheduled to begin June 1.

Long, Gory, Dramatic, Uncensored, Explicit, Rated R Version, (read if you wish): I am learning quickly that when a person has a serious disease, most of the choices are already made for them. Few of us would choose what goes on in those little pink examination rooms. Though you will see me making light of my treatment, I assure you it is simply me trying to maintain my sense of humor. I am incredibly grateful for the folks know that what they’re doing and that they are not wimps like me.

As you all know, the surgery and removal of a few lymph nodes was very successful without any indication of further tumors. I have two incisions. The first one is where they removed the tumor and the second one (almost under my arm) is where they removed the lymph nodes.

The first couple of days of recovery went well, just a little sore. On or around day three I began to grow a third breast where my lymph nodes were removed. After another 24 hours, I found myself carrying around this third breast in my hand. The required after surgery sports bra could not contain it. I thought of so many of my friends who have carried an equal or greater amount of breast poundage around their entire life. How do they do it without holding them (breasts) to keep them from bouncing around, thus causing great pain to the torso that is required to keep them attached?

Concerned about this third breast, I called the Dr. and they had me come in. She notified me that I had a large amount of fluid that had built up where they removed the lymph nodes. As you probably know, surgeons typically don’t really think anything is a big deal. Very calmly she informed me that she was going to remove the fluid. I’m thinking, OK… will I go back “under” or what? She turned around with a needle and vile and began sucking the fluid out of my new breast, moving the needle around guided by the image on the sonogram. She took out 5-6 giant vials and then decided that the needle was too small. She turned back around with a needle the size of a knitting needle. Twelve vials later she stopped and poured the inside of my now deflated third breast into a large measuring cup. She recorded the amount of fluid then told me to make another appointment because she was sure it was going to fill back up.

As she predicted, the “third breast” filled up again but this time I did not watch. (Duh. Can’t tell you why I watched all 18 vials fill up the first time.) They drained twice as much fluid on Thursday and as of today, (Saturday) it has filled up again. I will probably go in tomorrow and then have it drained again next Wednesday when she inserts the radiation balloon in the cavity of Breast #2. They will drain Breast #3 as often as they need to until it dries up and the other lymph nodes take over. The goal is to end up with my too small original breasts.

I feel as though I have neglected Breast #1 in all of my correspondence but I guess that is typical… The good kid doesn’t get the attention. Never thought I would say this, but I am very proud of Breast #1.

Next week will be filled with appointments and tests to prepare for radiation on June 1. It is a fairly new type of radiation called Intracavitary brachytherapy. This method of brachytherapy consists of a small balloon attached to a thin tube. The deflated balloon is inserted into the space left by the lumpectomy and is filled with a salt water solution. The balloon and tube are left in place throughout treatment (with the end of the tube sticking out of the breast). Twice a day a source of radioactivity is placed into the middle of the balloon through the tube and then removed. This is done for 5 days as an outpatient treatment. The balloon is then deflated and removed.

Chemotherapy will follow after 2-3 weeks of additional healing from surgery and radiation.

One last note… Don’t let those little pink examination rooms fool you. Torture goes on there.


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"Ms. Freeman, you have Breast Cancer"

Three weeks ago I heard the words, "Ms. Freeman, you have Breast Cancer.” They were spoken by a stranger after a sonogram. First of all, I never dreamed of having Breast Cancer. I was prepared for a heart attack, but never breast cancer. (If you know me, you know my arteries are filled with butter, bacon, eggs, all kinds of fried foods and every thing else that clogs the arteries.) If I was going to hear these words, shouldn’t I have been in the hospital, surrounded by friends and family when the Doctor came in to deliver the shocking news? I guess not. I dressed and walked out of the room wondering, well what should I do now? It’s 2:00 in the afternoon. Do I just call my close friends and family, ask about their day and say, “I just thought you might want to know that I have Breast Cancer.” It all sounded so dramatic. Since then, I have had tests, then waited. More tests, waited again. Bad news, then not so bad news. Finally, tomorrow at 9:00 am the surgeon is going in to take the tumor out.

Right now it is 11:45 pm and I have only 15 minutes to eat or drink anything I want. If you could see what all I have chosen for the “last supper and last snack” you might wonder if they shouldn’t be operating on my brain instead. If I should die “on the table” I want to make sure that I had Braums Banana Nut cookies just in case they don’t bake those in heaven. I have used the “If I die” card as many times as I could today but not too many people took the bait.

Kidding aside, my prognosis looks good. I have Stage II, grade III breast cancer. My tumor is now 3 cm large but there is no reason to believe that with the surgery, chemo and radiation that the cancer cells cannot be eliminated. We will find out tomorrow if the lymph nodes are involved.

The cancer diagnosis has caused me to think about what really matters to me. Stress probably played a significant role in my disease and stress and attitude will play a part in my recovery. I am going on a “stress free” diet. During the last nine months, I missed priceless moments because of grief and fear. I have a wake-up call and another "second chance" at life.

We play a “game” in Barnabas called “What’s left unsaid.” I’ve thought a lot about that this weekend. There were so many words last year and so many things “said” that I have not taken stock of what I really want to say. So, I am going to play this game tonight and say “what is left unsaid.” I want to say…

I’m sorry to anyone whom I have wounded.

I am saddened by the saying that “The church is the only organization that I know of who shoot their wounded.” I found this to be true. However, I also found that Jesus and the Body of Christ can still be found in the most unlikely places.

Freedom is only found when I allow the illusions that I have created to fall to the ground. It is then that the ground beneath me can not fall out from under me. The truth has set me free.

I am blessed to have loved deeply and blessed to be the recipient of others love. I have a few friends who are friends, no matter what. You know who you are.

I am sure that Jesus loves all people and that all are welcome at the table.

Pride does come before a fall. Damn ego!!

I wish that all of us could just be nice to each other. Judgments and shame kill people.

I love my son and my daughter.

Being a grandmother is better than being a mother.

Children and disabled people are the face of God.

The “I’m Right” game destroys relationships, organizations and churches.

God sends manna and money from the sky just in time.

I have met people who have different faith beliefs and I am struck by their goodness and grace.

When I thought that I could not live another minute, God sent Mercy.

“I never dreamed that home would end up a place that I don’t belong.”

My dog Katy is the most beautiful of Gods creatures.

Many people have suffered and died to give me the freedom that I have. I pray that I can pave the way for people after me so that they do not have to be judged.

Martin Luther King and everyday men and women were courageous when they fought for civil rights. Why am I just now “getting this?”

At 53, I still miss my Dad. He made me feel safe.

I miss my friend Mark. He could have helped. I wish I could have helped him.

Jesus loves me, this I know.

Most importantly, I believe that…

Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.

Whatever it takes, I long to be in “that” group. I have a long way to go and will not get close until Jesus has made me perfect but His words bring me peace and remind me of what needs to be said and done as one of His beloved.

Looking forward to continuing this journey of grace with many of you.

Connie
(Sorry, but this is Barnabas lingo) By The Grace of God, I Am a Special, Worthy and Complete Woman, Who Needs God’s Help.







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The Ego... Two Sides of One Coin

This last post in April is the last of a four week discussion on the “Ego.” If you read this blog regularly, you may realize that this post is later in the week than the usual Tuesday night ramblings. The simple reason that I am finally posting at 11:59 on April 30 is that I feel I must get this written in April or this will be just one more thing that reflects my inadequacy.

You see all week long, I have been living in the worst part of my ego. Surprisingly enough it is not so much the “I am better,” or "prideful" part of my ego as it is the “woe is me, I am in a bad mood” kind of thinking. As I was trying to build up the other side of my self which tells me that I have something worth contributing, I realized that the flip side of my false self is when I am way too concerned about failure or rejection. It is then when I want you to validate my ego. I am fascinated at the dances that we (I) perform on both sides of that coin (pride and less than.)

Ekert Tolle says that the ego is fed and nourished when we live in the past or the future. I have been consumed with the past and the future this week and was unwilling to simply take this moment, this minute that God gave me right now to simply be whoever I am; right or wrong, good or bad, loved or unloved, accepted or unacceptable, happy or unhappy. I have missed the now because I am angry about the past and fearful of the future. Notice the lack of freedom, grace and sheer pleasure when I live in one of those two extremes.

Tonight, as I am unable to set an example of someone living outside the “ego,” I would like to share some of the teachers that are encouraging me on this most difficult journey of “losing my life to find it.”

"Jesus did not move from Jesus to the Christ without death and resurrection. We have to let go of the ego names by which we have named ourselves (good and bad) and become the naked self before the naked God. That will always feel like dying. We need to know, experientially, that "I am who I am who I am", and THAT naked, undecorated self is already and forever the beloved child of God.” Richard Rohr

"In order to become myself I must cease to be what I always thought I wanted to be, and in order to find myself I must go out of myself, and in order to live I have to die." Thomas Merton

(This passage from Merton is my favorite. It is a good way to usher in the month of May)

“Give me the strength that waits upon You in silence and peace. Give me humility in which alone is rest, and deliver me from pride which is the heaviest of burdens. And possess my whole heart and soul with the simplicity of love. Occupy my whole life with the one thought and the one desire of love, that I may love not for the sake of merit, not for the sake of perfection, not for the sake of virtue, not for the sake of sanctity, but for You alone.” Thomas Merton

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• Are you feeling inadequate in certain area’s of your life? If so, ask yourself how that could be the false self or the impostor deceiving you.

• Are you angry about the past or fearful of the future? What could you gain by living in this moment?

• Meditate on this simple prayer by Thomas Merton… Give me humility in which alone is rest, and deliver me from pride which is the heaviest of burdens. And possess my whole heart and soul with the simplicity of love



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