Remembering Holy Week

Saturday

Earlier in the week, Jesus said, “I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.”

Where was Jesus from Friday night through Sunday morning? Many people claim they know but who could say. The only thing that matters is that redemption was put into place.

One thing that is so “God-like” is that something divine and holy was going on because of death. Part of the incredible mystery of God is what happens when something falls to the ground and dies. We see it in our seasons when the seeds fall to the ground in autumn and dies in the winter’s cold. It takes the winter, it takes death before spring is allowed to rise up with all of its beauty. A transformation occurs that no one can explain. Life is born out of death. Suffering gives birth to Joy. Jesus died so we could live.

For me, all growth and new life has come from something in my life that had to die. It is not a one time event. Relationships die and give birth to new ones. The world that I create to in order to try and control my life falls apart and forces me to trust God. I have learned in the winter of my life, in the days between life and resurrection, God does a work that only He can do. I don’t invite it and often cry out, God if there is another way…

• What deep pain and suffering in your life has given birth to something beautiful?

• What are you trying to keep alive so that you can maintain the illusion you are in control?

• What has had to die inside of you for new life to be born?

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Remembering Holy Week

Thursday and Friday

This year, more than any other I have spent each day of the week really thinking about Jesus in all of His humanity. Because he was fully human, He felt, as we would, physical and emotional pain and siffering.

After having Cancer this year, I thought about what it would be like to sit down with my inner circle and tell them I was going to die? I would want the people I love the most to be with me. What if they could not grasp what I was saying? What if their confusion and denial also made it impossible for them to truly understand the depth of my heart when I asked them to “Remember Me?”

No one, not even the closest of his disciples “got it.” Once that final dinner was over, the wheels of hatred, jealousy and greed were set in motion and Jesus would feel no comfort until after His death. From the last supper with the disciples all the way through his crucifixion, no one really understood what was going on. This twenty-four hour period was unimaginable for the disciples and indescribable to us.

It is 3:00 and I am sitting at my desk. Millions have tried to capture the Cross so I won’t begin to try. Today, I encourage you to forget everything you have heard before and simply let the scripture tell the story. Read the passage below as though you had never read it before. Today, the creator of the universe looked away as His son expressed the ultimate grace and mercy for us through His suffering. As believers in Jesus, the Christ, it is important for us to "Remember."

Our hope is gone for a time when Jesus dies, but Sunday is coming!

As told in the Gospel of Mark…
They took Jesus to the high priest, and all the chief priests, elders and teachers of the law came together. Peter followed him at a distance, right into the courtyard of the high priest. There he sat with the guards and warmed himself at the fire. The chief priests and the whole Sanhedrin were looking for evidence against Jesus so that they could put him to death, but they did not find any. Many testified falsely against him, but their statements did not agree. Then some stood up and gave this false testimony against him: "We heard him say, 'I will destroy this man-made temple and in three days will build another, not made by man.' "Yet even then their testimony did not agree.

Then the high priest stood up before them and asked Jesus, "Are you not going to answer? What is this testimony that these men are bringing against you?" But Jesus remained silent and gave no answer. Again the high priest asked him, "Are you the Christ,the Son of the Blessed One?" "I am," said Jesus. "And you will see the Son of Man sitting at the right hand of the Mighty One and coming on the clouds of heaven. "The high priest tore his clothes. "Why do we need any more witnesses?" he asked. "You have heard the blasphemy. What do you think?" They all condemned him as worthy of death. Then some began to spit at him; they blindfolded him, struck him with their fists, and said, "Prophesy!" And the guards took him and beat him.

Peter Disowns Jesus
While Peter was below in the courtyard, one of the servant girls of the high priest came by. When she saw Peter warming himself, she looked closely at him. "You also were with that Nazarene, Jesus," she said. But he denied it. "I don't know or understand what you're talking about," he said, and went out into the entryway. When the servant girl saw him there, she said again to those standing around, "This fellow is one of them." Again he denied it. After a little while, those standing near said to Peter, "Surely you are one of them, for you are a Galilean." He began to call down curses on himself, and he swore to them, "I don't know this man you're talking about. "Immediately the rooster crowed the second time. Then Peter remembered the word Jesus had spoken to him: "Before the rooster crows twice you will disown me three times." And he broke down and wept.


Jesus before Pilate
Very early in the morning, the chief priests, with the elders, the teachers of the law and the whole Sanhedrin, reached a decision. They bound Jesus, led him away and handed him over to pilate. "Are you the king of the Jews?" asked Pilate. "Yes, it is as you say," Jesus replied. The chief priests accused him of many things. So again Pilate asked him, "Aren't you going to answer? See how many things they are accusing you of." But Jesus still made no reply, and Pilate was amazed.

Now it was the custom at the Feast to release a prisoner whom the people requested. A man called Barabbas was in prison with the insurrectionists who had committed murder in the uprising. The crowd came up and asked Pilate to do for them what he usually did. "Do you want me to release to you the king of the Jews?" asked Pilate, knowing it was out of envy that the chief priests had handed Jesus over to him. But the chief priests stirred up the crowd to have Pilate release Barabbas instead.
"What shall I do, then, with the one you call the king of the Jews?" Pilate asked them. "Crucify him!" they shouted. "Why? What crime has he committed?" asked Pilate.
But they shouted all the louder, "Crucify him!" Wanting to satisfy the crowd, Pilate released Barabbas to them. He had Jesus flogged, and handed him over to be crucified.

The Soldiers Mock Jesus
The soldiers led Jesus away into the palace (that is, the Praetorium) and called together the whole company of soldiers. They put a purple robe on him, then twisted together a crown of thorns and set it on him. And they began to call out to him, "Hail, king of the Jews!" Again and again they struck him on the head with a staff and spit on him. Falling on their knees, they paid homage to him. And when they had mocked him, they took off the purple robe and put his own clothes on him. Then they led him out to crucify him.

The Crucifixion
A certain man from Cyrene, Simon, the father of Alexander and Rufus, was passing by on his way in from the country, and they forced him to carry the cross. They brought Jesus to the place called Golgotha (which means The Place of the Skull). Then they offered him wine mixed with myrrh, but he did not take it. And they crucified him. Dividing up his clothes, they cast lots to see what each would get. It was the third hour when they crucified him. The written notice of the charge against him read: THE KING OF THE JEWS. They crucified two robbers with him, one on his right and one on his left.Those who passed by hurled insults at him, shaking their heads and saying, "So! You who are going to destroy the temple and build it in three days, come down from the cross and save yourself!" In the same way the chief priests and the teachers of the law mocked him among themselves. "He saved others," they said, "but he can't save himself! Let this Christ, this King of Israel, come down now from the cross, that we may see and believe." Those crucified with him also heaped insults on him.

The Death of Jesus At the sixth hour darkness came over the whole land until the ninth hour. And at the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?"—which means, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" When some of those standing near heard this, they said, "Listen, he's calling Elijah." One man ran, filled a sponge with wine vinegar, put it on a stick, and offered it to Jesus to drink. "Now leave him alone. Let's see if Elijah comes to take him down," he said. With a loud cry, Jesus breathed his last. The curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. And when the centurion, who stood there in front of Jesus, heard his cry and saw how he died, he said, "Surely this man was the Son of God!"

Some women were watching from a distance. Among them were Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James the younger and of Joses, and Salome. In Galilee these women had followed him and cared for his needs. Many other women who had come up with him to Jerusalem were also there.

The Burial of Jesus
It was Preparation Day (that is, the day before the Sabbath). So as evening approached, Joseph of Arimathea, a prominent member of the Council, who was himself waiting for the kingdom of God, went boldly to Pilate and asked for Jesus' body. Pilate was surprised to hear that he was already dead. Summoning the centurion, he asked him if Jesus had already died. When he learned from the centurion that it was so, he gave the body to Joseph. So Joseph bought some linen cloth, took down the body, wrapped it in the linen, and placed it in a tomb cut out of rock. Then he rolled a stone against the entrance of the tomb. Mary Magdalene and Mary the mother of Joses saw where he was laid.


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Remembering Holy Week

Monday – Wednesday

The Bible doesn’t give us a lot of specifics about what Jesus did between Monday and Wednesday. He taught in the temple and at some point cleared the temple of money changers. Sometime, probably Tuesday or Wednesday, he tried to prepare his disciples for the days ahead. Early in the week, he left Jerusalem to visit his good friends, Mary, Martha and Lazarus. A dinner was held in his honor and at that dinner Mary shocked everyone as she broke a bottle of expensive perfume and anointed Jesus. Interestingly enough, Judas spoke up and accused her of being wasteful as they could have used the money from the sale of the perfume to help the poor. Jesus confronted him with these words,

"Leave her alone. It was intended that she should save this perfume for the day of my burial. You will always have the poor among you, but you will not always have me."

In Jesus’ humanity surely he was comforted and overwhelmed with Mary’s gift of grace and kindness. Mary's act was extravegant to some but valued by Jesus.

• Is someone you know in need of extravagant grace?

• If you were Mary, how would you express your love to Jesus? So much of the time we get caught up in our religious words and practices that we don’t give Jesus the deepest part of our heart, with all of the feelings that come from our gratitude for His grace.

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There is a song recorded by Cece Winan entitled “Alabaster Box.” It brings me to tears as she sings the words,

“You weren't there the night He found me,
You did not feel what I felt
when he wrapped his love all around me
You don't know the cost of the oil
in my alabaster box”

I encourage you to download it from I-Tunes. Below are the lyrics for the entire song. Every word of this song carries with it authentic emotion and overwhelming gratitude.

The Alabaster Box

The room grew still as she made her way to Jesus
She stumbles through the tears that made her blind
She felt such pain, some spoke in anger,
Heard folks whisper there's no place here for her kind
Still on she came through the shame that flushed her face
Until at last, she knelt before his feet
And though she spoke no words, everything she said was heard
As she poured her love for the Master from her box of alabaster

And I've come to pour my praise on Him
Like oil from Mary's alabaster box
Don't be angry if I wash his feet with my tears
And I dry them with my hair
You weren't there the night He found me
You did not feel what I felt
when he wrapped his love all around me
And you don't know the cost of the oil
In my alabaster box

I can't forget the way life used to be, I was a prisoner to the sin that had me bound
And I spent my days, poured my life without measure
Into a little treasure box I'd thought I'd found
Until the day when Jesus came to me
And healed my soul with the wonder of His touch
So now I'm giving back to Him all the praise He's worthy of
I've been forgiven and that's why I love Him so much

And I've come to pour my praise on Him
Like oil from Mary's alabaster box
Don't be angry if I wash his feet with my tears
And I dry them with my hair
You weren't there the night He found me
You did not feel what I felt
when he wrapped his love all around me
And you don't know the cost of the oil
In my alabaster box


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Remembering Holy Week

I haven’t blogged much since Cancer. My words are inadequate as I think back to one year ago when this disease entered my world. Perhaps I will be able to write about it one day, but for now I remain overwhelmed with the events of the last two years. I am blessed to be alive and humbled by the life lessons I had to face. I live my life one day at a time now. I encourage each of you to be thankful for THIS day. The loss of physical health, the loss of relationships, the loss of the very ground you are standing on can disappear in an instant. Jesus knew this and still traveled to Jerusalem.

This week, the week of Passover, the week of Jesus’ excruciating pain on the way to the cross hold new meaning for me. I want to be aware of every step He took. I want to remember what He said and what He did, knowing that His life on earth was coming to an end. I invite you to walk this journey with me.

Holy Week:
Sunday – I loved going to church yesterday. The kids marching through the worship service with their palm branches shouting “Hosanna, “Hosanna in the highest” took me back to years of celebrating Palm Sunday. It also reminded me of the last chance that Jesus would enter Jerusalem.

Several years ago, I went on a tour to Israel. I was sure that the Tomb, the Temple, the Wailing Wall or Golgotha would be emotional experiences as the Life of Jesus became real, touchable and tangible. After visiting numerous places where Jesus had taught His disciples and the crowds, it was time to travel to Jerusalem. I thought of the “Triumphant Entry” and was able to see the landscape where Jesus rode the donkey and the people welcomed Him as their coming King. But, to my surprise, it was not the crowd worshiping Jesus that caught my attention. As we got closer to Jerusalem, I happened to be at the front of the bus talking to my friend Sammy. Unprepared for what I was about to experience, we topped the mountain and Jerusalem was spread out before us. I burst into tears. For the first time, I could see why Jesus loved her.

As our bus descended into Jerusalem two thousand years later, I couldn’t imagine Jesus entering Jerusalem knowing that His entire life lead to this place and this time. Within the week the cheers would be exchanged for curses and shouts of “crucify Him.”

• Who are what is your Jerusalem?

• What journey is God asking you to travel?


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Update about Cancer and Chemo

Dear Friends and Support System,

Just wanted to get out a quick update. Chemo is over; I have a little “white peach fuzz” on my head and more hair on my legs (that ain’t right!) Not shaving my legs was one benefit of treatment.

My desire to get back to life is much stronger than the physical energy that is currently available to my body. I thought that I would bounce back a little faster. Chemo did not go well for me. I have been in bed for five months so getting up and moving has been a challenge. However, I thank God for the ability to get up.

It appears that the surgery and treatments have been successful in eliminating the tumor that was there. I will go in for a mammogram every three months for a while so that they can keep an eye on it. Thank you Lord Jesus!!!

The discouraging news is that I have been diagnosed with Lymphedema. This is not a life threatening disease but there is no cure. It will end up being more of a nuisance than anything else. Right now it is a big problem. My arm and hand are swollen with fluid that is not draining because the path through the lymphatic system was compromised when they took out some of my lymph nodes. So, for a couple of months I am going through therapy three times a week and my arm and hand are wrapped up with layers of compression bandages. The right side of my body combined with my bald head make me look like the “”Michelin Man.” This wrap keeps me from using my right arm and hand right now. I never knew how much I depended on my right hand. Eventually I will be fitted with a wrap for my arm and a glove for my hand. For the majority of each day, I will need to wear that for the rest of my life. (You know that I love singing “Man in the Mirror,” but I never planned to dress like Michael.)

Good news is that my white blood cell count is getting back to normal so I am able to spend some time with my daughter, grandsons and Ricardo. Because they were all high risks for spreading infection, my time with them was limited during chemo. I can’t keep up with two and three year old little boys but it sure is fun to watch them. My dog Katy gives them a run for their money. One day Mimi (that’s me) will be able to take them on again.

Thank you so much for the love that you have shown me since I was diagnosed in March. To those who were my daily caretakers, words cannot express my gratitude for your nurturing care and service. I already miss seeing you and having time to just “be” with one another. Surely we can find a way other than cancer to stay connected. I will try to honor your gift to me by passing it on to others.

Kerry has been a solid and loving source of strength and comfort during all of this. I cannot imagine going through cancer without someone to walk with me. Thank you Kerry, I know that this journey has been difficult for you as well as you were afraid too. Your presence made all the difference.

I probably won’t be sending many more updates because I hope there is nothing to update you about. After the first of the year, I will have some use of my right hand again and I will begin to use the blog site to discuss issues that God is bringing to my life and perhaps to yours. I heard a man speak this last weekend and he said that Great Love and Great Suffering bring us into a level of God’s presence that propel us into another level of living life. I pray that I will take time daily to spend time in the presence of Jesus. I am fortunate to have more time on earth than I might have if I was not diagnosed early. (Thank you Dr. Waldrep!) So, I want to spend the rest of my time “here” loving well and seeking the peace of God through taking time to crawl up into His lap and simply rest in His arms. Sorry, that is a Barnabas thing and so is this…

I love you,
Connie
The disciple that Jesus loves


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Cruel and Unusual Punishment From My Own Therapist

Last week I went to see my therapist and I came prepared to tell him how awful life was thinking he would have some sympathy and encouraging words to help me see the good in my life. Instead he earned his money by telling me the truth. He said, “Connie, you are stubborn. God is going to continue to strip everything from you until all ego is gone.” He went on to say, “You have abused your gifts making you believe that if you love people enough, they will love you back. You have done this survival dance your whole life and by the grace of God, it is not working any longer.” He said that “You would be much happier and peaceful if you would allow the love and character of God to live out of your heart, regardless of others acceptance or rejection. This insatiable desire to be loved will continue to dismantle you until you have nothing left but a pure heart."

At first I wanted to say, SHUT UP PLEASE! Then I broke down knowing that his words rang true. I saw the ugly seed of pride that keeps hanging on wanting life to be different. Why is surrender so damn hard? What am I missing here? I want to be satisfied with simply being God’s beloved but today I cannot find my way. What more must be torn down? I know the answer is, nothing more must happen, I am already the beloved because of grace. God is crazy about me. I have spoken that truth into thousands of people’s lives but as the former “know it all” it was and is easy to believe but very difficult to live.

Written below is a beautiful picture of the truth about our ego and God’s grace.

Blessed are the pure in heart: they shall see God
Matthew 5:8

“The sixth Beatitude is about seeing and single-heartedness. It is when the mind is held inside of the heart, and never outside, which is an excellent description of contemplation, by the way. When the heart is right, seeing will be right, Jesus says. He ties together a good heart with correct seeing. It took modern psychology, and what we call the defense mechanisms of the ego, to prove that he was absolutely right.

Consider the saying, “Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.” So is God. All we need to do is keep the lens open and honest and warm, which is the central work of spirituality. If your heart is cold, your vision is distorted. Pure motives tend to see pure motives, anger tends to see anger, love always sees loves, and God in you sees God everywhere!

There is a likeness between the seer and what is seen and can be seen. Probably Meister Eckhart (c. 1260 – c. 1328) said it best, “The eyes with which we look back at God are the very same eyes with which God has first looked at us.” Richard Rohr

• Are there areas of pride that keep surfacing hiding a deeper need to be known or loved?

• Are you willing to consider God’s lenses of love and grace that he sees you through? If so, how might your life be different?


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Does Anybody Hear Her?

For the last three months, most of my days and nights have been in bed. For the most part, my spirits have been good. I have a great support system that not only keep me company but they provide care and nurturing. They listen to me, they hear my fears and walk through the ugliness of chemo with me. They help me with all of the practical things required for daily life and are helping me walk through the ”business” side of being sick. (forms, forms, forms)

So for 90% of the time, I have all I need. Today, the 10% is taking me down. I am tired of being in bed, I feel like a burden on others and I feel like I am going down into an emotional black hole. When I am alone, I feel like a five year old who longs for Mom’s presence just to know I am safe. As a single woman, I am fortunate to have some significant friendships that fill in the spaces but there are still times when I cry out and no one is there. The rest of the world still has to live their life and my cancer doesn’t change that. Yes I know God is always present and always hears my cries. But as real as God’s presence was yesterday, He is equally silent today.

I understand that a good night’s sleep, sitting with friends or simply walking through today’s darkness will usher in another day and most likely the dark cloud will be gone.

However, in the middle of indulging myself in these feelings I have thought about all of the people around me who understand this darkness. For many, it occupies the majority of their life. Do we realize they are there or are we so protected by our Christian friends and Christian activities that we are not listening for their voices? Depression is real and deadly in our culture. People are going down all around us and no one is listening. We spend more time on strategic plans, raising money, following the latest successful church model and arguing over our interpretation of certain passages of scripture than we do looking for the lost sheep that is in danger. If I am to be totally honest, I would be one of the broken and barely functioning, were it not for loving friends and a real grasp of God’s grace (and Lexapro.)

I heard this song last week and it came to me today in my sadness.

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

Today, I am raising my hand saying, it hurts, I’m not sure everything will turn out like the doctor predicts. I am lonely, I want to be well. I am tired of my limitations, surrender is so hard. Does God really have plans for me to “prosper?” I know lots of great people who love the Lord and they are hurting, broken and bankrupt. God never promised a fairytale ending, in fact He is known as the Man of sorrows. He begged God to change the plan at the last minute and God did not. Today, for me, Christianity is not the easy way out. What will bring me through is that tiny bit of faith that allows me to say, “Lord I believe, help me in my unbelief.” I know He will.

Though this blog is a time for me to share my own feelings, more importantly it is a plea to ask you to make a call to someone that you haven’t heard from in a long time or someone you know that could be encouraged by your presence. Look into your own world and have eyes to see the people that are falling down. I challenge you to let them know you hear them. I will be cared for 5 minutes after I hit the send button. It is the person who does not have the blog or the support system or intimate friendships that I stand for today. You will find them “under the shadow of our steeples” hoping that someone can see them.

If you are the one going down today, please make a call or make as many calls as you need to until you find someone that can hear you. Most people do care, we just become self absorbed in our small world about things that don’t really matter. Do not buy into the lie, that you do not matter. Raise your hand with me today and keep calling until someone comes. I am praying for you right now. I know you are out there. Do not lose hope. God’s mercies are new every morning. We can do this a day at a time.

Oh, and by the way, to my Christian friends… it’s probably not the best day to send me Roman’s 8:28.

Loving every one of you as a fellow traveler on the journey.

Connie

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