Update about Cancer and Chemo

Dear Friends and Support System,

Just wanted to get out a quick update. Chemo is over; I have a little “white peach fuzz” on my head and more hair on my legs (that ain’t right!) Not shaving my legs was one benefit of treatment.

My desire to get back to life is much stronger than the physical energy that is currently available to my body. I thought that I would bounce back a little faster. Chemo did not go well for me. I have been in bed for five months so getting up and moving has been a challenge. However, I thank God for the ability to get up.

It appears that the surgery and treatments have been successful in eliminating the tumor that was there. I will go in for a mammogram every three months for a while so that they can keep an eye on it. Thank you Lord Jesus!!!

The discouraging news is that I have been diagnosed with Lymphedema. This is not a life threatening disease but there is no cure. It will end up being more of a nuisance than anything else. Right now it is a big problem. My arm and hand are swollen with fluid that is not draining because the path through the lymphatic system was compromised when they took out some of my lymph nodes. So, for a couple of months I am going through therapy three times a week and my arm and hand are wrapped up with layers of compression bandages. The right side of my body combined with my bald head make me look like the “”Michelin Man.” This wrap keeps me from using my right arm and hand right now. I never knew how much I depended on my right hand. Eventually I will be fitted with a wrap for my arm and a glove for my hand. For the majority of each day, I will need to wear that for the rest of my life. (You know that I love singing “Man in the Mirror,” but I never planned to dress like Michael.)

Good news is that my white blood cell count is getting back to normal so I am able to spend some time with my daughter, grandsons and Ricardo. Because they were all high risks for spreading infection, my time with them was limited during chemo. I can’t keep up with two and three year old little boys but it sure is fun to watch them. My dog Katy gives them a run for their money. One day Mimi (that’s me) will be able to take them on again.

Thank you so much for the love that you have shown me since I was diagnosed in March. To those who were my daily caretakers, words cannot express my gratitude for your nurturing care and service. I already miss seeing you and having time to just “be” with one another. Surely we can find a way other than cancer to stay connected. I will try to honor your gift to me by passing it on to others.

Kerry has been a solid and loving source of strength and comfort during all of this. I cannot imagine going through cancer without someone to walk with me. Thank you Kerry, I know that this journey has been difficult for you as well as you were afraid too. Your presence made all the difference.

I probably won’t be sending many more updates because I hope there is nothing to update you about. After the first of the year, I will have some use of my right hand again and I will begin to use the blog site to discuss issues that God is bringing to my life and perhaps to yours. I heard a man speak this last weekend and he said that Great Love and Great Suffering bring us into a level of God’s presence that propel us into another level of living life. I pray that I will take time daily to spend time in the presence of Jesus. I am fortunate to have more time on earth than I might have if I was not diagnosed early. (Thank you Dr. Waldrep!) So, I want to spend the rest of my time “here” loving well and seeking the peace of God through taking time to crawl up into His lap and simply rest in His arms. Sorry, that is a Barnabas thing and so is this…

I love you,
Connie
The disciple that Jesus loves


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Cruel and Unusual Punishment From My Own Therapist

Last week I went to see my therapist and I came prepared to tell him how awful life was thinking he would have some sympathy and encouraging words to help me see the good in my life. Instead he earned his money by telling me the truth. He said, “Connie, you are stubborn. God is going to continue to strip everything from you until all ego is gone.” He went on to say, “You have abused your gifts making you believe that if you love people enough, they will love you back. You have done this survival dance your whole life and by the grace of God, it is not working any longer.” He said that “You would be much happier and peaceful if you would allow the love and character of God to live out of your heart, regardless of others acceptance or rejection. This insatiable desire to be loved will continue to dismantle you until you have nothing left but a pure heart."

At first I wanted to say, SHUT UP PLEASE! Then I broke down knowing that his words rang true. I saw the ugly seed of pride that keeps hanging on wanting life to be different. Why is surrender so damn hard? What am I missing here? I want to be satisfied with simply being God’s beloved but today I cannot find my way. What more must be torn down? I know the answer is, nothing more must happen, I am already the beloved because of grace. God is crazy about me. I have spoken that truth into thousands of people’s lives but as the former “know it all” it was and is easy to believe but very difficult to live.

Written below is a beautiful picture of the truth about our ego and God’s grace.

Blessed are the pure in heart: they shall see God
Matthew 5:8

“The sixth Beatitude is about seeing and single-heartedness. It is when the mind is held inside of the heart, and never outside, which is an excellent description of contemplation, by the way. When the heart is right, seeing will be right, Jesus says. He ties together a good heart with correct seeing. It took modern psychology, and what we call the defense mechanisms of the ego, to prove that he was absolutely right.

Consider the saying, “Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.” So is God. All we need to do is keep the lens open and honest and warm, which is the central work of spirituality. If your heart is cold, your vision is distorted. Pure motives tend to see pure motives, anger tends to see anger, love always sees loves, and God in you sees God everywhere!

There is a likeness between the seer and what is seen and can be seen. Probably Meister Eckhart (c. 1260 – c. 1328) said it best, “The eyes with which we look back at God are the very same eyes with which God has first looked at us.” Richard Rohr

• Are there areas of pride that keep surfacing hiding a deeper need to be known or loved?

• Are you willing to consider God’s lenses of love and grace that he sees you through? If so, how might your life be different?


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Does Anybody Hear Her?

For the last three months, most of my days and nights have been in bed. For the most part, my spirits have been good. I have a great support system that not only keep me company but they provide care and nurturing. They listen to me, they hear my fears and walk through the ugliness of chemo with me. They help me with all of the practical things required for daily life and are helping me walk through the ”business” side of being sick. (forms, forms, forms)

So for 90% of the time, I have all I need. Today, the 10% is taking me down. I am tired of being in bed, I feel like a burden on others and I feel like I am going down into an emotional black hole. When I am alone, I feel like a five year old who longs for Mom’s presence just to know I am safe. As a single woman, I am fortunate to have some significant friendships that fill in the spaces but there are still times when I cry out and no one is there. The rest of the world still has to live their life and my cancer doesn’t change that. Yes I know God is always present and always hears my cries. But as real as God’s presence was yesterday, He is equally silent today.

I understand that a good night’s sleep, sitting with friends or simply walking through today’s darkness will usher in another day and most likely the dark cloud will be gone.

However, in the middle of indulging myself in these feelings I have thought about all of the people around me who understand this darkness. For many, it occupies the majority of their life. Do we realize they are there or are we so protected by our Christian friends and Christian activities that we are not listening for their voices? Depression is real and deadly in our culture. People are going down all around us and no one is listening. We spend more time on strategic plans, raising money, following the latest successful church model and arguing over our interpretation of certain passages of scripture than we do looking for the lost sheep that is in danger. If I am to be totally honest, I would be one of the broken and barely functioning, were it not for loving friends and a real grasp of God’s grace (and Lexapro.)

I heard this song last week and it came to me today in my sadness.

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

Today, I am raising my hand saying, it hurts, I’m not sure everything will turn out like the doctor predicts. I am lonely, I want to be well. I am tired of my limitations, surrender is so hard. Does God really have plans for me to “prosper?” I know lots of great people who love the Lord and they are hurting, broken and bankrupt. God never promised a fairytale ending, in fact He is known as the Man of sorrows. He begged God to change the plan at the last minute and God did not. Today, for me, Christianity is not the easy way out. What will bring me through is that tiny bit of faith that allows me to say, “Lord I believe, help me in my unbelief.” I know He will.

Though this blog is a time for me to share my own feelings, more importantly it is a plea to ask you to make a call to someone that you haven’t heard from in a long time or someone you know that could be encouraged by your presence. Look into your own world and have eyes to see the people that are falling down. I challenge you to let them know you hear them. I will be cared for 5 minutes after I hit the send button. It is the person who does not have the blog or the support system or intimate friendships that I stand for today. You will find them “under the shadow of our steeples” hoping that someone can see them.

If you are the one going down today, please make a call or make as many calls as you need to until you find someone that can hear you. Most people do care, we just become self absorbed in our small world about things that don’t really matter. Do not buy into the lie, that you do not matter. Raise your hand with me today and keep calling until someone comes. I am praying for you right now. I know you are out there. Do not lose hope. God’s mercies are new every morning. We can do this a day at a time.

Oh, and by the way, to my Christian friends… it’s probably not the best day to send me Roman’s 8:28.

Loving every one of you as a fellow traveler on the journey.

Connie

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Time To Kick Some Chemo

Thanks for all the birthday wishes and for your prayers for my treatment today. Because the last one almost killed me I have been a little anxious about this morning. However, I woke up with a heart full of God’s love for me and the belief that He still has plans for me.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

So, forgive me if I offend you, but I am going out this morning to kick some chemo ass. It may take me down a little, but it is getting me well.

As someone who is on the journey of continually walking through my own brokenness (not always by my choice), I still feel God’s calling to walk alongside others who have found life to be challenging. I still believe in the “God of Second Chances” and I still believe that it is in our pain that we find new life.

So, if you are struggling like me, do not lose hope. Don’t resist your brokenness. Go with it and find the man or woman that is underneath the pain. I believe you will find the truth underneath all of your self protective strategies and when you are stripped of all the masks that you hide behind, you will find the truth that makes you free.

In the Barnabas Journey we have an exercise where we claim some of the gifts or the truth about who we are because of the grace of God. I am starting today with this gift of truth about who I am in “My Fathers Eyes.”

By The Grace of God,
I Am A Special, Worthy and Complete Woman,
Who Needs God’s Help

Connie

Please forgive me for not personally answering emails right now. I read every one of your words of encouragement and they provide great comfort. However, I am low on energy and am finding it hard to stay caught up. So, here is one big thank you coming your way.

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I Miss You Mark

I have stared at a blank page for a month trying to write about a good friend of mine who took his life one year ago. The grief is still so deep that I have not been able to put words to it. I think I am afraid that people will forget how he helped change so many of us. I cling to his memory, full of thanks for every morsel of truth that he mirrored to me. For those of you who did not know Mark, I invite you to read the text of my eulogy at his funeral. It may not be the best way to honor him but I don’t know what else to say. I must share his life as best I can.

You have had the privilege of hearing and meeting some of the people who walked alongside Mark as a friend or mentor. Though he was one of my best friends and co-worker, I am here representing the group of people who sat on the couch. Not the living room couch where friends and family sat but, you know, the big Blue one. (Mark was my therapist)

In case you were not fortunate enough to sit on that couch, let me see if I can give you a little taste of the gifts we received.

Week after week I crawled into that office sure that I was facing the crisis of a life time. Within 60 minutes Mark had convinced me that this was what I had been waiting for my whole life. It was my perfect opportunity to “Grow up.”

If you saw Mark professionally at some point you realized that getting a weekly time slot on his calendar was the way to go. If seeing him required a return phone call forget it. I don’t think he ever understood that returning phone calls and emails was his opportunity to “grow up.”

I can’t answer for all of you, but for me, I finally gave up trying to dress nice for our appointment because his shirts were always prettier than mine.

His hugs were so big that sometime I felt like a skinny person. It didn’t seem to matter how large I was he got those arms around me.

I was always thrilled when he launched into his “neurological brain talk.” It was an out for me because then I could believe that my emotional trauma was simply the result of patterns in my brain that were put there by someone else.

I liked to meet with him on Monday and offer him a cookie (he fasted every Monday.)

I loved to grab that fat little face of his in my hands and break into hysterical laughter over something that was probably a little irreverent.

Mark was brilliant. He could challenge the brightest of people and make things simple enough for a child to understand.

I loved to go to church when Lauren or Hannah (his daughters) were singing. Their singing was beautiful but seeing their father captivated by them was every little girls dream.

I liked it when things were really hard in a session and at the end he would give me a big hug and whisper a prayer in my ear.

I think the reason that we, “the couch people” are here today is that in Marks office and in his heart we found unconditional love and grace. He knew the worst parts of me and I never once felt ashamed in his presence. He gave grace that most people just talk about. He saw in us what we could not see in ourselves.

So why is it that I am standing up here today saying these things at a memorial service about a man who took his life? If he knew all of these things, surely he knew better.

After six days of fluctuating between anger and sadness this is what I am sure of...

Mark was a giver. He gave because he made a difference. He gave because God gifted him with a unique, powerful ability to understand people’s pain and love them in a way that helped change them.

When someone like Mark is contributing in “the sweet spot” of their gifts, in can be intoxicating. When someone like this comes along, we as the recipients of these gifted people must remember that they have limits. They are not God. They experience fear, sin, shame and disillusionment just like us. We are all plagued with hurt and pain to various degrees. Mark was too. But that’s what made him great at what he did.

Some people say that suicide is a selfish act. I think for some it is. For Mark, I don’t believe so. I believe that the pain that he knew so well deceived him into believing that he was doing the best thing for the people that he loved.

In 2001 Mark emailed these words to someone in his Barnabas group.

"The particular significance of psalm 139 is that it, for me is the prayer of exposure... i am so prone to stay hidden (at least the dark side of me) but i know that the only way to freedom is to be exposed... i love the fact that Jesus loves me so much that i can be fully exposed in my darkness and he brings light there... i don't have to hide in shame or fear.. that is, for me, the basis of true freedom and genuine authenticity... It’s incredible grace."

Mark led other people to the light and the grace of Jesus. He knew God's love for him and like us, constantly fought the battle between the truth and the lie. People will make up all kinds of reasons for Mark’s choice to end his life. It was not a good choice. It has and will cause great pain. But let’s not deceive ourselves into knowing what he was going through. Let’s be people of grace.

In our sadness, we think the darkness has won. But I know that if Mark could say something to me today, he would say, “What I told you is true. But it’s even better than I could describe it. When I was fully exposed in my darkest night, Jesus brought the light. I will never again have to hide in shame and fear. By the Grace of God, I am truly free.

Today, we grieve, tomorrow, let’s take the truth, as best we can out to people as Mark did for us. That is his legacy. His life and his death will make a difference if we go out and give what we were given.

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Update: Day Surgery this morning, Chemo next week.

Going in for another day surgery this morning. They will be putting in the port for my Chemo and cleaning out the area around my lymph nodes to try and take away Breast #3. I am ready to say goodbye to it!!

Next Wednesday I begin Chemo, which will last through October. I would appreciate your prayers. This is the scary part for me. This quote helped me this morning. Don't be afraid of the "open door." If possible, ask someone to walk with you.

Help Me Now to Unclutter My Life
Celtic Daily Prayer

Lord, help me now to unclutter my life,
to organize myself in the direction of simplicity.
Lord, teach me to listen to my heart;
teach me to welcome change, instead of fearing it.
Lord, I give You these stirrings inside me,
I give you my discontent,
I give you my restlessness,
I give you my doubt,
I give you my despair,
I give you all the longings I hold inside.
Help me to listen to these signs of change, of growth;
to listen seriously and follow where they lead
through the breathtaking empty space of an open door.

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2009 Cancer Treatment - Roto-Rooter Radiation

It’s been a long time since I have posted an update about my treatment with Breast Cancer. I finished radiation last week and found that the nicest people in the world work with breast cancer patients. I wouldn’t recommend praying for the diagnosis just to meet nice people, but through these gifted men and women of mercy, the tender hand of God has been holding on to me in these first few weeks of treatment.

The question I hear the most is, “How is your third breast? I am thrilled to let you know that breast #3 is slowing down. I have only been drained twice this week and the sonogram show signs of tissue beginning to fill in the gap. I think my greatest long-term fear about breast #3 is that it has simply moved up my right upper arm thus giving me a greater wing span when I raise my arm. (If you are an older woman you know exactly what I am talking about. If not, think about your grandmother and the loose skin that rocked back and forth under her upper arm.) Had I been out in the storm last Monday and caught some of the high winds, I feel quite sure that had I raised my arms I would have taken flight.

The other breast trauma was this special radiation that I am fortunate to have qualified for. Rather than shooting radioactive beams on the outside of the body they inserted a “balloon” into the cavity where the tumor was removed. The end of the balloon comes out of the breast as a port on the outside of the body. Twice a day, they had this machine that looks like a “Roto-Rooter” and they attach it to the balloon. Then,everyone left the room and went into a “protective room” while the Roto-Rooter and I are filled with radioactive beads. The radiation went straight to the tumor site so only the tissue that surrounded the tumor was destroyed. Once the treatment was over and the Roto-Rooter was sucked back into the machine, the staff came back into the room, unhooked me and then held a Geiger Counter in front of me. For real!!

Even with all of this excitement, I have had virtually no suffering. As I read about other breast cancer survivors and discover friends, including two friends who had mastectomy’s this week, I am reminded of the real suffering in life. It may be physical, emotional or spiritual, but we are all subject to suffering and sorrow. I think the surprise in this for me is that joy and peace can exist in the midst of crisis. In fact it is often the crisis or pain that gives birth to freedom, peace and joy.

In talking with a friend tonight we asked the question, does suffering have to precede growth or joy? Probably not. I have had seasons in life where sheer delight and witnessing the majesty of God are equally as spiritual. Very few things compare to walking a trail in the Rocky Mountains or looking out at the ocean where land is no where in sight. Seeing someone grasp the grace of God or their own worth as the “Beloved” is on the top ten of my “God moments.” So, in scarcity and in abundance we see the tender hand of God… even for a three breasted radioactive woman.

Thanks to all of you for your prayers and precious notes of support.
I love you dearly.
Connie


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