Update about Cancer and Chemo

Dear Friends and Support System,

Just wanted to get out a quick update. Chemo is over; I have a little “white peach fuzz” on my head and more hair on my legs (that ain’t right!) Not shaving my legs was one benefit of treatment.

My desire to get back to life is much stronger than the physical energy that is currently available to my body. I thought that I would bounce back a little faster. Chemo did not go well for me. I have been in bed for five months so getting up and moving has been a challenge. However, I thank God for the ability to get up.

It appears that the surgery and treatments have been successful in eliminating the tumor that was there. I will go in for a mammogram every three months for a while so that they can keep an eye on it. Thank you Lord Jesus!!!

The discouraging news is that I have been diagnosed with Lymphedema. This is not a life threatening disease but there is no cure. It will end up being more of a nuisance than anything else. Right now it is a big problem. My arm and hand are swollen with fluid that is not draining because the path through the lymphatic system was compromised when they took out some of my lymph nodes. So, for a couple of months I am going through therapy three times a week and my arm and hand are wrapped up with layers of compression bandages. The right side of my body combined with my bald head make me look like the “”Michelin Man.” This wrap keeps me from using my right arm and hand right now. I never knew how much I depended on my right hand. Eventually I will be fitted with a wrap for my arm and a glove for my hand. For the majority of each day, I will need to wear that for the rest of my life. (You know that I love singing “Man in the Mirror,” but I never planned to dress like Michael.)

Good news is that my white blood cell count is getting back to normal so I am able to spend some time with my daughter, grandsons and Ricardo. Because they were all high risks for spreading infection, my time with them was limited during chemo. I can’t keep up with two and three year old little boys but it sure is fun to watch them. My dog Katy gives them a run for their money. One day Mimi (that’s me) will be able to take them on again.

Thank you so much for the love that you have shown me since I was diagnosed in March. To those who were my daily caretakers, words cannot express my gratitude for your nurturing care and service. I already miss seeing you and having time to just “be” with one another. Surely we can find a way other than cancer to stay connected. I will try to honor your gift to me by passing it on to others.

Kerry has been a solid and loving source of strength and comfort during all of this. I cannot imagine going through cancer without someone to walk with me. Thank you Kerry, I know that this journey has been difficult for you as well as you were afraid too. Your presence made all the difference.

I probably won’t be sending many more updates because I hope there is nothing to update you about. After the first of the year, I will have some use of my right hand again and I will begin to use the blog site to discuss issues that God is bringing to my life and perhaps to yours. I heard a man speak this last weekend and he said that Great Love and Great Suffering bring us into a level of God’s presence that propel us into another level of living life. I pray that I will take time daily to spend time in the presence of Jesus. I am fortunate to have more time on earth than I might have if I was not diagnosed early. (Thank you Dr. Waldrep!) So, I want to spend the rest of my time “here” loving well and seeking the peace of God through taking time to crawl up into His lap and simply rest in His arms. Sorry, that is a Barnabas thing and so is this…

I love you,
Connie
The disciple that Jesus loves


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Cruel and Unusual Punishment From My Own Therapist

Last week I went to see my therapist and I came prepared to tell him how awful life was thinking he would have some sympathy and encouraging words to help me see the good in my life. Instead he earned his money by telling me the truth. He said, “Connie, you are stubborn. God is going to continue to strip everything from you until all ego is gone.” He went on to say, “You have abused your gifts making you believe that if you love people enough, they will love you back. You have done this survival dance your whole life and by the grace of God, it is not working any longer.” He said that “You would be much happier and peaceful if you would allow the love and character of God to live out of your heart, regardless of others acceptance or rejection. This insatiable desire to be loved will continue to dismantle you until you have nothing left but a pure heart."

At first I wanted to say, SHUT UP PLEASE! Then I broke down knowing that his words rang true. I saw the ugly seed of pride that keeps hanging on wanting life to be different. Why is surrender so damn hard? What am I missing here? I want to be satisfied with simply being God’s beloved but today I cannot find my way. What more must be torn down? I know the answer is, nothing more must happen, I am already the beloved because of grace. God is crazy about me. I have spoken that truth into thousands of people’s lives but as the former “know it all” it was and is easy to believe but very difficult to live.

Written below is a beautiful picture of the truth about our ego and God’s grace.

Blessed are the pure in heart: they shall see God
Matthew 5:8

“The sixth Beatitude is about seeing and single-heartedness. It is when the mind is held inside of the heart, and never outside, which is an excellent description of contemplation, by the way. When the heart is right, seeing will be right, Jesus says. He ties together a good heart with correct seeing. It took modern psychology, and what we call the defense mechanisms of the ego, to prove that he was absolutely right.

Consider the saying, “Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.” So is God. All we need to do is keep the lens open and honest and warm, which is the central work of spirituality. If your heart is cold, your vision is distorted. Pure motives tend to see pure motives, anger tends to see anger, love always sees loves, and God in you sees God everywhere!

There is a likeness between the seer and what is seen and can be seen. Probably Meister Eckhart (c. 1260 – c. 1328) said it best, “The eyes with which we look back at God are the very same eyes with which God has first looked at us.” Richard Rohr

• Are there areas of pride that keep surfacing hiding a deeper need to be known or loved?

• Are you willing to consider God’s lenses of love and grace that he sees you through? If so, how might your life be different?


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Does Anybody Hear Her?

For the last three months, most of my days and nights have been in bed. For the most part, my spirits have been good. I have a great support system that not only keep me company but they provide care and nurturing. They listen to me, they hear my fears and walk through the ugliness of chemo with me. They help me with all of the practical things required for daily life and are helping me walk through the ”business” side of being sick. (forms, forms, forms)

So for 90% of the time, I have all I need. Today, the 10% is taking me down. I am tired of being in bed, I feel like a burden on others and I feel like I am going down into an emotional black hole. When I am alone, I feel like a five year old who longs for Mom’s presence just to know I am safe. As a single woman, I am fortunate to have some significant friendships that fill in the spaces but there are still times when I cry out and no one is there. The rest of the world still has to live their life and my cancer doesn’t change that. Yes I know God is always present and always hears my cries. But as real as God’s presence was yesterday, He is equally silent today.

I understand that a good night’s sleep, sitting with friends or simply walking through today’s darkness will usher in another day and most likely the dark cloud will be gone.

However, in the middle of indulging myself in these feelings I have thought about all of the people around me who understand this darkness. For many, it occupies the majority of their life. Do we realize they are there or are we so protected by our Christian friends and Christian activities that we are not listening for their voices? Depression is real and deadly in our culture. People are going down all around us and no one is listening. We spend more time on strategic plans, raising money, following the latest successful church model and arguing over our interpretation of certain passages of scripture than we do looking for the lost sheep that is in danger. If I am to be totally honest, I would be one of the broken and barely functioning, were it not for loving friends and a real grasp of God’s grace (and Lexapro.)

I heard this song last week and it came to me today in my sadness.

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

Today, I am raising my hand saying, it hurts, I’m not sure everything will turn out like the doctor predicts. I am lonely, I want to be well. I am tired of my limitations, surrender is so hard. Does God really have plans for me to “prosper?” I know lots of great people who love the Lord and they are hurting, broken and bankrupt. God never promised a fairytale ending, in fact He is known as the Man of sorrows. He begged God to change the plan at the last minute and God did not. Today, for me, Christianity is not the easy way out. What will bring me through is that tiny bit of faith that allows me to say, “Lord I believe, help me in my unbelief.” I know He will.

Though this blog is a time for me to share my own feelings, more importantly it is a plea to ask you to make a call to someone that you haven’t heard from in a long time or someone you know that could be encouraged by your presence. Look into your own world and have eyes to see the people that are falling down. I challenge you to let them know you hear them. I will be cared for 5 minutes after I hit the send button. It is the person who does not have the blog or the support system or intimate friendships that I stand for today. You will find them “under the shadow of our steeples” hoping that someone can see them.

If you are the one going down today, please make a call or make as many calls as you need to until you find someone that can hear you. Most people do care, we just become self absorbed in our small world about things that don’t really matter. Do not buy into the lie, that you do not matter. Raise your hand with me today and keep calling until someone comes. I am praying for you right now. I know you are out there. Do not lose hope. God’s mercies are new every morning. We can do this a day at a time.

Oh, and by the way, to my Christian friends… it’s probably not the best day to send me Roman’s 8:28.

Loving every one of you as a fellow traveler on the journey.

Connie

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Time To Kick Some Chemo

Thanks for all the birthday wishes and for your prayers for my treatment today. Because the last one almost killed me I have been a little anxious about this morning. However, I woke up with a heart full of God’s love for me and the belief that He still has plans for me.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

So, forgive me if I offend you, but I am going out this morning to kick some chemo ass. It may take me down a little, but it is getting me well.

As someone who is on the journey of continually walking through my own brokenness (not always by my choice), I still feel God’s calling to walk alongside others who have found life to be challenging. I still believe in the “God of Second Chances” and I still believe that it is in our pain that we find new life.

So, if you are struggling like me, do not lose hope. Don’t resist your brokenness. Go with it and find the man or woman that is underneath the pain. I believe you will find the truth underneath all of your self protective strategies and when you are stripped of all the masks that you hide behind, you will find the truth that makes you free.

In the Barnabas Journey we have an exercise where we claim some of the gifts or the truth about who we are because of the grace of God. I am starting today with this gift of truth about who I am in “My Fathers Eyes.”

By The Grace of God,
I Am A Special, Worthy and Complete Woman,
Who Needs God’s Help

Connie

Please forgive me for not personally answering emails right now. I read every one of your words of encouragement and they provide great comfort. However, I am low on energy and am finding it hard to stay caught up. So, here is one big thank you coming your way.

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I Miss You Mark

I have stared at a blank page for a month trying to write about a good friend of mine who took his life one year ago. The grief is still so deep that I have not been able to put words to it. I think I am afraid that people will forget how he helped change so many of us. I cling to his memory, full of thanks for every morsel of truth that he mirrored to me. For those of you who did not know Mark, I invite you to read the text of my eulogy at his funeral. It may not be the best way to honor him but I don’t know what else to say. I must share his life as best I can.

You have had the privilege of hearing and meeting some of the people who walked alongside Mark as a friend or mentor. Though he was one of my best friends and co-worker, I am here representing the group of people who sat on the couch. Not the living room couch where friends and family sat but, you know, the big Blue one. (Mark was my therapist)

In case you were not fortunate enough to sit on that couch, let me see if I can give you a little taste of the gifts we received.

Week after week I crawled into that office sure that I was facing the crisis of a life time. Within 60 minutes Mark had convinced me that this was what I had been waiting for my whole life. It was my perfect opportunity to “Grow up.”

If you saw Mark professionally at some point you realized that getting a weekly time slot on his calendar was the way to go. If seeing him required a return phone call forget it. I don’t think he ever understood that returning phone calls and emails was his opportunity to “grow up.”

I can’t answer for all of you, but for me, I finally gave up trying to dress nice for our appointment because his shirts were always prettier than mine.

His hugs were so big that sometime I felt like a skinny person. It didn’t seem to matter how large I was he got those arms around me.

I was always thrilled when he launched into his “neurological brain talk.” It was an out for me because then I could believe that my emotional trauma was simply the result of patterns in my brain that were put there by someone else.

I liked to meet with him on Monday and offer him a cookie (he fasted every Monday.)

I loved to grab that fat little face of his in my hands and break into hysterical laughter over something that was probably a little irreverent.

Mark was brilliant. He could challenge the brightest of people and make things simple enough for a child to understand.

I loved to go to church when Lauren or Hannah (his daughters) were singing. Their singing was beautiful but seeing their father captivated by them was every little girls dream.

I liked it when things were really hard in a session and at the end he would give me a big hug and whisper a prayer in my ear.

I think the reason that we, “the couch people” are here today is that in Marks office and in his heart we found unconditional love and grace. He knew the worst parts of me and I never once felt ashamed in his presence. He gave grace that most people just talk about. He saw in us what we could not see in ourselves.

So why is it that I am standing up here today saying these things at a memorial service about a man who took his life? If he knew all of these things, surely he knew better.

After six days of fluctuating between anger and sadness this is what I am sure of...

Mark was a giver. He gave because he made a difference. He gave because God gifted him with a unique, powerful ability to understand people’s pain and love them in a way that helped change them.

When someone like Mark is contributing in “the sweet spot” of their gifts, in can be intoxicating. When someone like this comes along, we as the recipients of these gifted people must remember that they have limits. They are not God. They experience fear, sin, shame and disillusionment just like us. We are all plagued with hurt and pain to various degrees. Mark was too. But that’s what made him great at what he did.

Some people say that suicide is a selfish act. I think for some it is. For Mark, I don’t believe so. I believe that the pain that he knew so well deceived him into believing that he was doing the best thing for the people that he loved.

In 2001 Mark emailed these words to someone in his Barnabas group.

"The particular significance of psalm 139 is that it, for me is the prayer of exposure... i am so prone to stay hidden (at least the dark side of me) but i know that the only way to freedom is to be exposed... i love the fact that Jesus loves me so much that i can be fully exposed in my darkness and he brings light there... i don't have to hide in shame or fear.. that is, for me, the basis of true freedom and genuine authenticity... It’s incredible grace."

Mark led other people to the light and the grace of Jesus. He knew God's love for him and like us, constantly fought the battle between the truth and the lie. People will make up all kinds of reasons for Mark’s choice to end his life. It was not a good choice. It has and will cause great pain. But let’s not deceive ourselves into knowing what he was going through. Let’s be people of grace.

In our sadness, we think the darkness has won. But I know that if Mark could say something to me today, he would say, “What I told you is true. But it’s even better than I could describe it. When I was fully exposed in my darkest night, Jesus brought the light. I will never again have to hide in shame and fear. By the Grace of God, I am truly free.

Today, we grieve, tomorrow, let’s take the truth, as best we can out to people as Mark did for us. That is his legacy. His life and his death will make a difference if we go out and give what we were given.

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Update: Day Surgery this morning, Chemo next week.

Going in for another day surgery this morning. They will be putting in the port for my Chemo and cleaning out the area around my lymph nodes to try and take away Breast #3. I am ready to say goodbye to it!!

Next Wednesday I begin Chemo, which will last through October. I would appreciate your prayers. This is the scary part for me. This quote helped me this morning. Don't be afraid of the "open door." If possible, ask someone to walk with you.

Help Me Now to Unclutter My Life
Celtic Daily Prayer

Lord, help me now to unclutter my life,
to organize myself in the direction of simplicity.
Lord, teach me to listen to my heart;
teach me to welcome change, instead of fearing it.
Lord, I give You these stirrings inside me,
I give you my discontent,
I give you my restlessness,
I give you my doubt,
I give you my despair,
I give you all the longings I hold inside.
Help me to listen to these signs of change, of growth;
to listen seriously and follow where they lead
through the breathtaking empty space of an open door.

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2009 Cancer Treatment - Roto-Rooter Radiation

It’s been a long time since I have posted an update about my treatment with Breast Cancer. I finished radiation last week and found that the nicest people in the world work with breast cancer patients. I wouldn’t recommend praying for the diagnosis just to meet nice people, but through these gifted men and women of mercy, the tender hand of God has been holding on to me in these first few weeks of treatment.

The question I hear the most is, “How is your third breast? I am thrilled to let you know that breast #3 is slowing down. I have only been drained twice this week and the sonogram show signs of tissue beginning to fill in the gap. I think my greatest long-term fear about breast #3 is that it has simply moved up my right upper arm thus giving me a greater wing span when I raise my arm. (If you are an older woman you know exactly what I am talking about. If not, think about your grandmother and the loose skin that rocked back and forth under her upper arm.) Had I been out in the storm last Monday and caught some of the high winds, I feel quite sure that had I raised my arms I would have taken flight.

The other breast trauma was this special radiation that I am fortunate to have qualified for. Rather than shooting radioactive beams on the outside of the body they inserted a “balloon” into the cavity where the tumor was removed. The end of the balloon comes out of the breast as a port on the outside of the body. Twice a day, they had this machine that looks like a “Roto-Rooter” and they attach it to the balloon. Then,everyone left the room and went into a “protective room” while the Roto-Rooter and I are filled with radioactive beads. The radiation went straight to the tumor site so only the tissue that surrounded the tumor was destroyed. Once the treatment was over and the Roto-Rooter was sucked back into the machine, the staff came back into the room, unhooked me and then held a Geiger Counter in front of me. For real!!

Even with all of this excitement, I have had virtually no suffering. As I read about other breast cancer survivors and discover friends, including two friends who had mastectomy’s this week, I am reminded of the real suffering in life. It may be physical, emotional or spiritual, but we are all subject to suffering and sorrow. I think the surprise in this for me is that joy and peace can exist in the midst of crisis. In fact it is often the crisis or pain that gives birth to freedom, peace and joy.

In talking with a friend tonight we asked the question, does suffering have to precede growth or joy? Probably not. I have had seasons in life where sheer delight and witnessing the majesty of God are equally as spiritual. Very few things compare to walking a trail in the Rocky Mountains or looking out at the ocean where land is no where in sight. Seeing someone grasp the grace of God or their own worth as the “Beloved” is on the top ten of my “God moments.” So, in scarcity and in abundance we see the tender hand of God… even for a three breasted radioactive woman.

Thanks to all of you for your prayers and precious notes of support.
I love you dearly.
Connie


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Breast Cancer Adds Third Breast to Dallas Woman

Thank you for the emails, thoughts and prayers that have come my way. I have not really been on email since the surgery so please forgive me for not responding to each of you individually. Even though I am not on the computer regularly, I remain grateful for your prayers and your well wishes.

I am giving you two updates below. The “short version” is the bottom line of my current condition. For those of you like me, who want all the details, I couldn’t help sharing some of the graphic details from my “set of glasses.” If you are easily offended, stop with the short version.

Short Version: I am doing well, in some pain due to extra fluid. Left the house a couple of times but I tire easily. Radiology scheduled to begin June 1.

Long, Gory, Dramatic, Uncensored, Explicit, Rated R Version, (read if you wish): I am learning quickly that when a person has a serious disease, most of the choices are already made for them. Few of us would choose what goes on in those little pink examination rooms. Though you will see me making light of my treatment, I assure you it is simply me trying to maintain my sense of humor. I am incredibly grateful for the folks know that what they’re doing and that they are not wimps like me.

As you all know, the surgery and removal of a few lymph nodes was very successful without any indication of further tumors. I have two incisions. The first one is where they removed the tumor and the second one (almost under my arm) is where they removed the lymph nodes.

The first couple of days of recovery went well, just a little sore. On or around day three I began to grow a third breast where my lymph nodes were removed. After another 24 hours, I found myself carrying around this third breast in my hand. The required after surgery sports bra could not contain it. I thought of so many of my friends who have carried an equal or greater amount of breast poundage around their entire life. How do they do it without holding them (breasts) to keep them from bouncing around, thus causing great pain to the torso that is required to keep them attached?

Concerned about this third breast, I called the Dr. and they had me come in. She notified me that I had a large amount of fluid that had built up where they removed the lymph nodes. As you probably know, surgeons typically don’t really think anything is a big deal. Very calmly she informed me that she was going to remove the fluid. I’m thinking, OK… will I go back “under” or what? She turned around with a needle and vile and began sucking the fluid out of my new breast, moving the needle around guided by the image on the sonogram. She took out 5-6 giant vials and then decided that the needle was too small. She turned back around with a needle the size of a knitting needle. Twelve vials later she stopped and poured the inside of my now deflated third breast into a large measuring cup. She recorded the amount of fluid then told me to make another appointment because she was sure it was going to fill back up.

As she predicted, the “third breast” filled up again but this time I did not watch. (Duh. Can’t tell you why I watched all 18 vials fill up the first time.) They drained twice as much fluid on Thursday and as of today, (Saturday) it has filled up again. I will probably go in tomorrow and then have it drained again next Wednesday when she inserts the radiation balloon in the cavity of Breast #2. They will drain Breast #3 as often as they need to until it dries up and the other lymph nodes take over. The goal is to end up with my too small original breasts.

I feel as though I have neglected Breast #1 in all of my correspondence but I guess that is typical… The good kid doesn’t get the attention. Never thought I would say this, but I am very proud of Breast #1.

Next week will be filled with appointments and tests to prepare for radiation on June 1. It is a fairly new type of radiation called Intracavitary brachytherapy. This method of brachytherapy consists of a small balloon attached to a thin tube. The deflated balloon is inserted into the space left by the lumpectomy and is filled with a salt water solution. The balloon and tube are left in place throughout treatment (with the end of the tube sticking out of the breast). Twice a day a source of radioactivity is placed into the middle of the balloon through the tube and then removed. This is done for 5 days as an outpatient treatment. The balloon is then deflated and removed.

Chemotherapy will follow after 2-3 weeks of additional healing from surgery and radiation.

One last note… Don’t let those little pink examination rooms fool you. Torture goes on there.


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"Ms. Freeman, you have Breast Cancer"

Three weeks ago I heard the words, "Ms. Freeman, you have Breast Cancer.” They were spoken by a stranger after a sonogram. First of all, I never dreamed of having Breast Cancer. I was prepared for a heart attack, but never breast cancer. (If you know me, you know my arteries are filled with butter, bacon, eggs, all kinds of fried foods and every thing else that clogs the arteries.) If I was going to hear these words, shouldn’t I have been in the hospital, surrounded by friends and family when the Doctor came in to deliver the shocking news? I guess not. I dressed and walked out of the room wondering, well what should I do now? It’s 2:00 in the afternoon. Do I just call my close friends and family, ask about their day and say, “I just thought you might want to know that I have Breast Cancer.” It all sounded so dramatic. Since then, I have had tests, then waited. More tests, waited again. Bad news, then not so bad news. Finally, tomorrow at 9:00 am the surgeon is going in to take the tumor out.

Right now it is 11:45 pm and I have only 15 minutes to eat or drink anything I want. If you could see what all I have chosen for the “last supper and last snack” you might wonder if they shouldn’t be operating on my brain instead. If I should die “on the table” I want to make sure that I had Braums Banana Nut cookies just in case they don’t bake those in heaven. I have used the “If I die” card as many times as I could today but not too many people took the bait.

Kidding aside, my prognosis looks good. I have Stage II, grade III breast cancer. My tumor is now 3 cm large but there is no reason to believe that with the surgery, chemo and radiation that the cancer cells cannot be eliminated. We will find out tomorrow if the lymph nodes are involved.

The cancer diagnosis has caused me to think about what really matters to me. Stress probably played a significant role in my disease and stress and attitude will play a part in my recovery. I am going on a “stress free” diet. During the last nine months, I missed priceless moments because of grief and fear. I have a wake-up call and another "second chance" at life.

We play a “game” in Barnabas called “What’s left unsaid.” I’ve thought a lot about that this weekend. There were so many words last year and so many things “said” that I have not taken stock of what I really want to say. So, I am going to play this game tonight and say “what is left unsaid.” I want to say…

I’m sorry to anyone whom I have wounded.

I am saddened by the saying that “The church is the only organization that I know of who shoot their wounded.” I found this to be true. However, I also found that Jesus and the Body of Christ can still be found in the most unlikely places.

Freedom is only found when I allow the illusions that I have created to fall to the ground. It is then that the ground beneath me can not fall out from under me. The truth has set me free.

I am blessed to have loved deeply and blessed to be the recipient of others love. I have a few friends who are friends, no matter what. You know who you are.

I am sure that Jesus loves all people and that all are welcome at the table.

Pride does come before a fall. Damn ego!!

I wish that all of us could just be nice to each other. Judgments and shame kill people.

I love my son and my daughter.

Being a grandmother is better than being a mother.

Children and disabled people are the face of God.

The “I’m Right” game destroys relationships, organizations and churches.

God sends manna and money from the sky just in time.

I have met people who have different faith beliefs and I am struck by their goodness and grace.

When I thought that I could not live another minute, God sent Mercy.

“I never dreamed that home would end up a place that I don’t belong.”

My dog Katy is the most beautiful of Gods creatures.

Many people have suffered and died to give me the freedom that I have. I pray that I can pave the way for people after me so that they do not have to be judged.

Martin Luther King and everyday men and women were courageous when they fought for civil rights. Why am I just now “getting this?”

At 53, I still miss my Dad. He made me feel safe.

I miss my friend Mark. He could have helped. I wish I could have helped him.

Jesus loves me, this I know.

Most importantly, I believe that…

Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.

Whatever it takes, I long to be in “that” group. I have a long way to go and will not get close until Jesus has made me perfect but His words bring me peace and remind me of what needs to be said and done as one of His beloved.

Looking forward to continuing this journey of grace with many of you.

Connie
(Sorry, but this is Barnabas lingo) By The Grace of God, I Am a Special, Worthy and Complete Woman, Who Needs God’s Help.







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The Ego... Two Sides of One Coin

This last post in April is the last of a four week discussion on the “Ego.” If you read this blog regularly, you may realize that this post is later in the week than the usual Tuesday night ramblings. The simple reason that I am finally posting at 11:59 on April 30 is that I feel I must get this written in April or this will be just one more thing that reflects my inadequacy.

You see all week long, I have been living in the worst part of my ego. Surprisingly enough it is not so much the “I am better,” or "prideful" part of my ego as it is the “woe is me, I am in a bad mood” kind of thinking. As I was trying to build up the other side of my self which tells me that I have something worth contributing, I realized that the flip side of my false self is when I am way too concerned about failure or rejection. It is then when I want you to validate my ego. I am fascinated at the dances that we (I) perform on both sides of that coin (pride and less than.)

Ekert Tolle says that the ego is fed and nourished when we live in the past or the future. I have been consumed with the past and the future this week and was unwilling to simply take this moment, this minute that God gave me right now to simply be whoever I am; right or wrong, good or bad, loved or unloved, accepted or unacceptable, happy or unhappy. I have missed the now because I am angry about the past and fearful of the future. Notice the lack of freedom, grace and sheer pleasure when I live in one of those two extremes.

Tonight, as I am unable to set an example of someone living outside the “ego,” I would like to share some of the teachers that are encouraging me on this most difficult journey of “losing my life to find it.”

"Jesus did not move from Jesus to the Christ without death and resurrection. We have to let go of the ego names by which we have named ourselves (good and bad) and become the naked self before the naked God. That will always feel like dying. We need to know, experientially, that "I am who I am who I am", and THAT naked, undecorated self is already and forever the beloved child of God.” Richard Rohr

"In order to become myself I must cease to be what I always thought I wanted to be, and in order to find myself I must go out of myself, and in order to live I have to die." Thomas Merton

(This passage from Merton is my favorite. It is a good way to usher in the month of May)

“Give me the strength that waits upon You in silence and peace. Give me humility in which alone is rest, and deliver me from pride which is the heaviest of burdens. And possess my whole heart and soul with the simplicity of love. Occupy my whole life with the one thought and the one desire of love, that I may love not for the sake of merit, not for the sake of perfection, not for the sake of virtue, not for the sake of sanctity, but for You alone.” Thomas Merton

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• Are you feeling inadequate in certain area’s of your life? If so, ask yourself how that could be the false self or the impostor deceiving you.

• Are you angry about the past or fearful of the future? What could you gain by living in this moment?

• Meditate on this simple prayer by Thomas Merton… Give me humility in which alone is rest, and deliver me from pride which is the heaviest of burdens. And possess my whole heart and soul with the simplicity of love



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Our Ego... The Imposter

Years ago I read Brennan Manning’s book, “Abba’s Child.” On his incredible journey of teaching me about being God’s “Beloved,” he speaks of the imposter in his life. I think this imposter is what today, we are calling the ego. Here is a conversation that he had with his “imposter” on the last day of a 30 day silent retreat.

“Good morning, impostor… You taught me how to hide my real self from everyone and initiated a lifelong process of concealment, containment, and withdrawal. Your resourcefulness enabled me to survive. But then your other side appeared and you started lying to me. Brennan, you whispered, if you persist in this folly of being yourself, your few long-suffering friends will hit the bricks, leaving you all alone. Stuff your feelings, shut down your memories, withhold your opinions, and develop social graces so you'll fit in wherever you are.

And so, the elaborate game of pretense and deception began. Because it worked I raised no objection. But you (imposter) needed someone to bridle you and rein you in. I had neither the perception nor the courage to tame you. Your appetite for attention and affirmation became insatiable. I never confronted you with the lie because I was deceived myself.

The bottom line, my pampered playmate, is that you are both needy and selfish. You need care, love, and a safe dwelling place. On this last day in the Rockies my gift is to take you where, unknowingly, you have longed to be...... in the presence of Jesus.”

My ego is born out of the same longings that Brennan speaks of. I needed it when I was young, but as an adult, it became a time bomb in my life. I am embarrassed to say that at fifty-three, I am standing naked and unarmed for the first time in my life. I have spent a lifetime trying to be good enough, trying to “love well” so that I could be assured of others love. (Give to get would be a more honest description.) Though I am at the beginning of this honest life, I am at peace. I have my family, a few good friends and a small community of people who are broken, just like me.

If you are still trying to hold up this imposter in your life, I encourage you to loosen your grip as much as you are able. You can humbly embrace your true identity or risk stepping on the land mine of pride that has masked your naked, needy self.

Though the journey can be painful, the truth really will set you free.

• How does your “imposter” present him/herself to your world?

• Consider your deepest fears and your true longings. What do you do to get hose longings met?

• Consider how your life might look different if you gave up the pretense of self protection and were free enough to simply live your life.

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“God’s Got One More Move!”

This month we are looking at the Ego but I would like to change this week’s devotion because of Easter. Last Sunday, I heard a pastor, Shante’ Buckley, speak and I will never forget this particular service at this particular time in my life. The title of her message was “Hope is Rising,” but the theme for me was “God Has One More Move!” She told the story of a man and his wife who toured an art museum. The man was a master chess player and really didn’t want to go the museum. However, when he was there looking at paintings with his wife, he walked past a painting that depicted a man playing chess with a character that represented the devil. The man had one player left on the board, the King. The devil had surrounded the King and the name of the painting was “Check-Mate.” The master chessman was fascinated with the painting so he told his wife to continue with the tour and he would catch up with her. The woman finished the tour and came back to find her husband still gazing at the painting. He looked at her and said, this painter has it all wrong. He either needs to change the name of his painting or change the painting. He said, there is no check-mate here. The king has Got One More Move. Then this incredible preacher went on to talk about the God of Second chances. This lady was preaching it!

“When Daniel was in that lions den and the king came back expecting him to be dead, he called out to Daniel. Daniel shouted back to the King. My God sent his angel and he shut the mouths of the lions.” Then the pastor shouted, “the King didn’t know it but God Had One More Move!”

She went on to tell story after story of people in the Bible who had no chance… but God Had One More Move!”

Lastly she said Jesus was crucified on Friday and they all thought it was over… They didn’t know it… but God Had One More Move!”

I could not stop the flow of tears as hope swelled up in my heart at the thought of God looking at me and saying, “Don’t worry, God’s Got One More Move.”
My soul has been longing to hear that message. There have been times during the last 9 months that I thought my life was over, but on Sunday, I was reminded that even in the most challenging seasons of my life… God Has One More Move!” (…or two or three or perhaps as many as I need.)

• When has God surprised you in the past and lifted you up from what seemed to be a hopeless situation?

• What circumstances or relationships are you in where you are longing to believe the message that God Has One More Move?

• Are you willing to risk believing in Hope? If you are, then let’s take this journey one day at a time and thank God that His Mercies are New Every Morning.

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The Ego - I Thought I Got Rid Of That Last Week

A lot is being written and discussed these days about the ego. Spiritual directors, talk show hosts, “How to” books and even the Bible.

I have had some serious battles with this deceiving giant most of my life. I find it impossible to keep it contained outside of humiliation, shame or crisis. Perhaps it is because when there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to lose. My therapist told me that “God allows all of our illusions to fall because after the illusion of who we think we are or the world we thought we lived in blows up, the ground becomes stable beneath us. The truth will not collapse under our feet.” A friend says, “Life is just one humiliating experience after another.” If we have any desire to grow… humiliation leads to humility. Author Richard Rohr calls this movement of our ego into humility and service, “The Descent.”

Several years ago I went to Israel with a group of folks from the church. There were many memorable places and experiences. The most significant for me was the “descent” into Jerusalem. It was a holy moment. We topped a mountain and there spread before us was the City of Jerusalem. I was speechless as I thought about Jesus making His descent for the last time. He entered the city knowing He was about to be falsely accused and die before the Sabbath. We recognized this act of humility last Sunday, Palm Sunday. Anyone would have expected the Son of God to enter Jerusalem as a king. But He did not. He rode in on a donkey and His grass roots followers welcomed Him with palm branches. Jesus did not descend as a King but as an example of humility and grace. Jesus lived without illusion and embraced the reality of his life. As a result, He stated the truth without arrogance, power or control.

I am sorry to say that I am still at the beginning of the “descent.” How do I get from here to there? One baby-step is to begin to ask that God remove the illusions that my ego creates to prop me up. Another is to take steps to create space for His presence through centering prayer. Jesus will never compete for that place with my ego, He simply waits until I let go. Lord, give me courage so that I am willing to give or release whatever is necessary to say goodbye to my ego that destroys the gift of Your peace.

How is your ego keeping you from a humble life?

What are the illusions that you are holding on to?

How can you "descend" in your life?




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God Have Mercy on My Soul, And Everyone Around Me

I had a devotion (aka blog) already cued up to send out tonight. It was a final thought on Mercy. It was a nice story emphasizing times when I have cried out for Mercy. Then, “tonight” happened and I knew that God was calling me to be honest rather than “spiritual.” (Well I guess that honesty is spiritual, so hopefully this is both.)

This weekend we sponsored a big event for the ministry that I work with. Not only was it a big event but it was a fundraiser, which adds more intensity and an urgency for it to be successful. I typically don’t over spiritualize “spiritual warfare” but this week grief, anger, disappointment and my own character defaults have surfaced with a vengeance. By the time the event arrived on Saturday night I was sleep deprived and bouncing between extreme thoughts and emotions. I was caught in the past, fearful of the future and feeling crazy trying to eliminate what I could not control (the past and the future.) It seems like every time I think I have found peace, I take control and once again try to rely on my own resources. It is a pattern that I hate about myself. I try to make sure that everyone else feels good about “whatever” and I neglect my own self care and the ruthless honesty that is required to walk in humility and peace.

By the time I came home from work today, I was out of internal resources (Also known as "medicine," which is a metaphor used in Barnabas.) My son was demanding and before I knew it, I snapped. His disease causes him debilitating anxiety which shows up in an inability to control his own functioning, from walking to controlling his urinary functions. I had to carry him from room to room and rather than seeing his own internal struggle, I was impatient. He urinated on the couch and that triggered the land mine in me. There was not a gentle bone in my body as I got him into the bath, got him out of the bath and dressed him for bed. As I hurled him into the chair, I broke down. Then, God gave me eyes to see that I am just like Ricardo. This week, I have been full of emotions that I cannot control, anger and anxiety that I thought I had dealt with and yet God had been gentle with me. I am so ashamed. I can’t think of anyone in the world that I love more than Ricardo, but I had no Mercy. You see, when I failed to take care of myself, like getting enough rest, spending quiet time before God and forgiving rather than resenting, I committed my darkest sin; being so empty that the kindness, love and the compassion of Jesus were not in my heart when I needed them. When anger, resentment, fear and exhaustion are present, there is no room for Mercy. It’s 10:00 pm and Ricardo and I are both resting on the couch, but the evening cost both of us. Tonight, I am crying out for Mercy.

• What are the relationships in your life that trigger your impatience and resentments?

• How is God’s Mercy for their souls different from your behavior toward them?

• Are you tired, resentful and guilty of poor self-care?

• Please take some time to re-center around the grace and Mercy that God has for you, in the midst of your worst moments. Then, watch as Mercy Comes A Runnin’.

Once there was a holy place. evidence of God's embrace
And I can almost see mercy's face pressed against the veil

Looking down with longing eyes, mercy must have realized
That once His blood was sacrificed, freedom would prevail

And as the sky grew dark and the earth began to shake
With justice no longer in the way

Mercy came running like a prisoner set free
Past all my failures to the point of my need
When the sin that I carried was all I could see…
AND WHEN I COULD NOT REACH MERCY,
MERCY CAME A RUNNIN’ TO ME

Once there was a broken heart, way too human from the start
And all the years left it torn apart, hopeless and afraid

Walls I never meant to build, left this prisoner unfulfilled
Freedom called but even still, it seemed so far away

I was bound by the chains from the wages of my sin
Just when I felt like giving in

Mercy came running like a prisoner set free
Past all my failures to the point of my need
When the sin that I carried was all I could see…
AND WHEN I COULD NOT REACH MERCY,
MERCY CAME A RUNNIN’ TO ME

By Phillips, Craig and Dean

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The Least Of These

During the month of March, we are highlighting the virtue of Mercy. God has been dispensing mercy for years and I am grateful to be one of His recipients.

As many of you know, I have a son, Ricardo, who is a special needs child that I adopted from Mexico. July 10 will mark our 18th anniversary of his entry into the US. Ricardo has a genetic disease that was diagnosed in 2004. The diagnosis explains so many unanswered questions that we had about the first 20 years of his life and his physical/mental/emotional challenges. Because of those issues, Ricardo has required more attention, energy, financial resources, patience and love from the many people who have surrounded him.

Two weeks ago, I had to take him to one of those emergency clinics because a two day “cold” turned into a full day of a stomach virus with a fever of 103 degrees. If you know Ricardo, you know that sitting in a hospital waiting room is not his forte. We rolled him into the crowded waiting room in a wheelchair and he was crying and passionately sharing some colorful words in Spanish. Ricardo’s “emotional expression” worked for us that Friday night as we were immediately brought back to an examining room with the nurse and doctor waiting for us. When we were waiting for the results of the blood test, I pulled the wheelchair up close to my chair and he stood up to sit in my lap. As I held my 24 year old son against my chest (don’t worry, he is the size of a twelve year old) I couldn’t stop the tears as I thought back about all of the emergency rooms and hospital rooms that we had been in through the years. The memories that flooded my mind were of the people who sat with us through many dark nights. People who lovingly restrained him when he was at risk of harming himself or others, people who held him through the night praying for God to heal him, people crying with me when the doctors thought the worst and people who had not only given him love but had been loved by him as only Ricardo can love. Through this precious boy, (one of the least by the worlds standards) I have seen MERCY sacrificially and unselfishly poured out covering both of us with comfort and love.

"The King will reply, I tell you the truth,
whatever you did for one of the least of these
brothers of mine, you did for me.” Matthew 25:39-41


Who is “one of the least” in your life?

How would your life be different if you were “one of the least” and needed mercy from other people?



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Your Mercies Are New Every Morning

This is the first of a weekly word of encouragement to all those who have walked through the desert of the lost and broken. We are all at different places in our journey. Some are in the middle of the desert while others taste the refreshing waters of new life. Wherever you are, a word of compassion might be God’s gift of mercy to you this morning.

Your mercies are new every morning.

So let me wake with the dawn.

When the music is through or so it seems to be

Let me sing a new song, old things gone

Every day it's true, You make all Your mercies new

Nichole Nordeman

As most of you know, Grace has been my heart cry for the last 30 years. God’s grace is not just the foundation of redemption, but it is woven into every fabric of my being. This transforming grace will always be the message that I am compelled to share with others on the journey.

Last fall, I found myself in a desert so dark that the light of grace was barely shining. In a million pieces, I boarded an airplane to Colorado Springs, fearful that my life was over. It was there that I found MERCY. (Mercy, defined by Strong’s Bible dictionary, is to help one afflicted or seeking aid.)

A group of caring and kind people attended to me and wrapped me in mercy. Through their extravagant kindness and compassion, I began the slow process of crawling to Jesus. The pain of those days still surface at times, but because of their act of mercy, the grace of God is shining again. The book, “Hinds Feet on High Places,” refers to our traveling companions, Sorrow and Suffering. God sent Mercy to join Sorrow and Suffering and this morning (a day at a time), I am resting in Grace and Peace.

In what ways do you need mercy today?

Who has shown mercy to you?

Is someone in your life crying for mercy?

How can you show mercy to them?

Thanks to the Mercy Center and my angels of mercy: Father Bill, Tim, Donna, Nancy, Margaret, Josie, Russ and my friends who are on the journey with me.


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