Our Ego... The Imposter

Years ago I read Brennan Manning’s book, “Abba’s Child.” On his incredible journey of teaching me about being God’s “Beloved,” he speaks of the imposter in his life. I think this imposter is what today, we are calling the ego. Here is a conversation that he had with his “imposter” on the last day of a 30 day silent retreat.

“Good morning, impostor… You taught me how to hide my real self from everyone and initiated a lifelong process of concealment, containment, and withdrawal. Your resourcefulness enabled me to survive. But then your other side appeared and you started lying to me. Brennan, you whispered, if you persist in this folly of being yourself, your few long-suffering friends will hit the bricks, leaving you all alone. Stuff your feelings, shut down your memories, withhold your opinions, and develop social graces so you'll fit in wherever you are.

And so, the elaborate game of pretense and deception began. Because it worked I raised no objection. But you (imposter) needed someone to bridle you and rein you in. I had neither the perception nor the courage to tame you. Your appetite for attention and affirmation became insatiable. I never confronted you with the lie because I was deceived myself.

The bottom line, my pampered playmate, is that you are both needy and selfish. You need care, love, and a safe dwelling place. On this last day in the Rockies my gift is to take you where, unknowingly, you have longed to be...... in the presence of Jesus.”

My ego is born out of the same longings that Brennan speaks of. I needed it when I was young, but as an adult, it became a time bomb in my life. I am embarrassed to say that at fifty-three, I am standing naked and unarmed for the first time in my life. I have spent a lifetime trying to be good enough, trying to “love well” so that I could be assured of others love. (Give to get would be a more honest description.) Though I am at the beginning of this honest life, I am at peace. I have my family, a few good friends and a small community of people who are broken, just like me.

If you are still trying to hold up this imposter in your life, I encourage you to loosen your grip as much as you are able. You can humbly embrace your true identity or risk stepping on the land mine of pride that has masked your naked, needy self.

Though the journey can be painful, the truth really will set you free.

• How does your “imposter” present him/herself to your world?

• Consider your deepest fears and your true longings. What do you do to get hose longings met?

• Consider how your life might look different if you gave up the pretense of self protection and were free enough to simply live your life.

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“God’s Got One More Move!”

This month we are looking at the Ego but I would like to change this week’s devotion because of Easter. Last Sunday, I heard a pastor, Shante’ Buckley, speak and I will never forget this particular service at this particular time in my life. The title of her message was “Hope is Rising,” but the theme for me was “God Has One More Move!” She told the story of a man and his wife who toured an art museum. The man was a master chess player and really didn’t want to go the museum. However, when he was there looking at paintings with his wife, he walked past a painting that depicted a man playing chess with a character that represented the devil. The man had one player left on the board, the King. The devil had surrounded the King and the name of the painting was “Check-Mate.” The master chessman was fascinated with the painting so he told his wife to continue with the tour and he would catch up with her. The woman finished the tour and came back to find her husband still gazing at the painting. He looked at her and said, this painter has it all wrong. He either needs to change the name of his painting or change the painting. He said, there is no check-mate here. The king has Got One More Move. Then this incredible preacher went on to talk about the God of Second chances. This lady was preaching it!

“When Daniel was in that lions den and the king came back expecting him to be dead, he called out to Daniel. Daniel shouted back to the King. My God sent his angel and he shut the mouths of the lions.” Then the pastor shouted, “the King didn’t know it but God Had One More Move!”

She went on to tell story after story of people in the Bible who had no chance… but God Had One More Move!”

Lastly she said Jesus was crucified on Friday and they all thought it was over… They didn’t know it… but God Had One More Move!”

I could not stop the flow of tears as hope swelled up in my heart at the thought of God looking at me and saying, “Don’t worry, God’s Got One More Move.”
My soul has been longing to hear that message. There have been times during the last 9 months that I thought my life was over, but on Sunday, I was reminded that even in the most challenging seasons of my life… God Has One More Move!” (…or two or three or perhaps as many as I need.)

• When has God surprised you in the past and lifted you up from what seemed to be a hopeless situation?

• What circumstances or relationships are you in where you are longing to believe the message that God Has One More Move?

• Are you willing to risk believing in Hope? If you are, then let’s take this journey one day at a time and thank God that His Mercies are New Every Morning.

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The Ego - I Thought I Got Rid Of That Last Week

A lot is being written and discussed these days about the ego. Spiritual directors, talk show hosts, “How to” books and even the Bible.

I have had some serious battles with this deceiving giant most of my life. I find it impossible to keep it contained outside of humiliation, shame or crisis. Perhaps it is because when there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to lose. My therapist told me that “God allows all of our illusions to fall because after the illusion of who we think we are or the world we thought we lived in blows up, the ground becomes stable beneath us. The truth will not collapse under our feet.” A friend says, “Life is just one humiliating experience after another.” If we have any desire to grow… humiliation leads to humility. Author Richard Rohr calls this movement of our ego into humility and service, “The Descent.”

Several years ago I went to Israel with a group of folks from the church. There were many memorable places and experiences. The most significant for me was the “descent” into Jerusalem. It was a holy moment. We topped a mountain and there spread before us was the City of Jerusalem. I was speechless as I thought about Jesus making His descent for the last time. He entered the city knowing He was about to be falsely accused and die before the Sabbath. We recognized this act of humility last Sunday, Palm Sunday. Anyone would have expected the Son of God to enter Jerusalem as a king. But He did not. He rode in on a donkey and His grass roots followers welcomed Him with palm branches. Jesus did not descend as a King but as an example of humility and grace. Jesus lived without illusion and embraced the reality of his life. As a result, He stated the truth without arrogance, power or control.

I am sorry to say that I am still at the beginning of the “descent.” How do I get from here to there? One baby-step is to begin to ask that God remove the illusions that my ego creates to prop me up. Another is to take steps to create space for His presence through centering prayer. Jesus will never compete for that place with my ego, He simply waits until I let go. Lord, give me courage so that I am willing to give or release whatever is necessary to say goodbye to my ego that destroys the gift of Your peace.

How is your ego keeping you from a humble life?

What are the illusions that you are holding on to?

How can you "descend" in your life?




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