Breast Cancer Adds Third Breast to Dallas Woman

Thank you for the emails, thoughts and prayers that have come my way. I have not really been on email since the surgery so please forgive me for not responding to each of you individually. Even though I am not on the computer regularly, I remain grateful for your prayers and your well wishes.

I am giving you two updates below. The “short version” is the bottom line of my current condition. For those of you like me, who want all the details, I couldn’t help sharing some of the graphic details from my “set of glasses.” If you are easily offended, stop with the short version.

Short Version: I am doing well, in some pain due to extra fluid. Left the house a couple of times but I tire easily. Radiology scheduled to begin June 1.

Long, Gory, Dramatic, Uncensored, Explicit, Rated R Version, (read if you wish): I am learning quickly that when a person has a serious disease, most of the choices are already made for them. Few of us would choose what goes on in those little pink examination rooms. Though you will see me making light of my treatment, I assure you it is simply me trying to maintain my sense of humor. I am incredibly grateful for the folks know that what they’re doing and that they are not wimps like me.

As you all know, the surgery and removal of a few lymph nodes was very successful without any indication of further tumors. I have two incisions. The first one is where they removed the tumor and the second one (almost under my arm) is where they removed the lymph nodes.

The first couple of days of recovery went well, just a little sore. On or around day three I began to grow a third breast where my lymph nodes were removed. After another 24 hours, I found myself carrying around this third breast in my hand. The required after surgery sports bra could not contain it. I thought of so many of my friends who have carried an equal or greater amount of breast poundage around their entire life. How do they do it without holding them (breasts) to keep them from bouncing around, thus causing great pain to the torso that is required to keep them attached?

Concerned about this third breast, I called the Dr. and they had me come in. She notified me that I had a large amount of fluid that had built up where they removed the lymph nodes. As you probably know, surgeons typically don’t really think anything is a big deal. Very calmly she informed me that she was going to remove the fluid. I’m thinking, OK… will I go back “under” or what? She turned around with a needle and vile and began sucking the fluid out of my new breast, moving the needle around guided by the image on the sonogram. She took out 5-6 giant vials and then decided that the needle was too small. She turned back around with a needle the size of a knitting needle. Twelve vials later she stopped and poured the inside of my now deflated third breast into a large measuring cup. She recorded the amount of fluid then told me to make another appointment because she was sure it was going to fill back up.

As she predicted, the “third breast” filled up again but this time I did not watch. (Duh. Can’t tell you why I watched all 18 vials fill up the first time.) They drained twice as much fluid on Thursday and as of today, (Saturday) it has filled up again. I will probably go in tomorrow and then have it drained again next Wednesday when she inserts the radiation balloon in the cavity of Breast #2. They will drain Breast #3 as often as they need to until it dries up and the other lymph nodes take over. The goal is to end up with my too small original breasts.

I feel as though I have neglected Breast #1 in all of my correspondence but I guess that is typical… The good kid doesn’t get the attention. Never thought I would say this, but I am very proud of Breast #1.

Next week will be filled with appointments and tests to prepare for radiation on June 1. It is a fairly new type of radiation called Intracavitary brachytherapy. This method of brachytherapy consists of a small balloon attached to a thin tube. The deflated balloon is inserted into the space left by the lumpectomy and is filled with a salt water solution. The balloon and tube are left in place throughout treatment (with the end of the tube sticking out of the breast). Twice a day a source of radioactivity is placed into the middle of the balloon through the tube and then removed. This is done for 5 days as an outpatient treatment. The balloon is then deflated and removed.

Chemotherapy will follow after 2-3 weeks of additional healing from surgery and radiation.

One last note… Don’t let those little pink examination rooms fool you. Torture goes on there.


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"Ms. Freeman, you have Breast Cancer"

Three weeks ago I heard the words, "Ms. Freeman, you have Breast Cancer.” They were spoken by a stranger after a sonogram. First of all, I never dreamed of having Breast Cancer. I was prepared for a heart attack, but never breast cancer. (If you know me, you know my arteries are filled with butter, bacon, eggs, all kinds of fried foods and every thing else that clogs the arteries.) If I was going to hear these words, shouldn’t I have been in the hospital, surrounded by friends and family when the Doctor came in to deliver the shocking news? I guess not. I dressed and walked out of the room wondering, well what should I do now? It’s 2:00 in the afternoon. Do I just call my close friends and family, ask about their day and say, “I just thought you might want to know that I have Breast Cancer.” It all sounded so dramatic. Since then, I have had tests, then waited. More tests, waited again. Bad news, then not so bad news. Finally, tomorrow at 9:00 am the surgeon is going in to take the tumor out.

Right now it is 11:45 pm and I have only 15 minutes to eat or drink anything I want. If you could see what all I have chosen for the “last supper and last snack” you might wonder if they shouldn’t be operating on my brain instead. If I should die “on the table” I want to make sure that I had Braums Banana Nut cookies just in case they don’t bake those in heaven. I have used the “If I die” card as many times as I could today but not too many people took the bait.

Kidding aside, my prognosis looks good. I have Stage II, grade III breast cancer. My tumor is now 3 cm large but there is no reason to believe that with the surgery, chemo and radiation that the cancer cells cannot be eliminated. We will find out tomorrow if the lymph nodes are involved.

The cancer diagnosis has caused me to think about what really matters to me. Stress probably played a significant role in my disease and stress and attitude will play a part in my recovery. I am going on a “stress free” diet. During the last nine months, I missed priceless moments because of grief and fear. I have a wake-up call and another "second chance" at life.

We play a “game” in Barnabas called “What’s left unsaid.” I’ve thought a lot about that this weekend. There were so many words last year and so many things “said” that I have not taken stock of what I really want to say. So, I am going to play this game tonight and say “what is left unsaid.” I want to say…

I’m sorry to anyone whom I have wounded.

I am saddened by the saying that “The church is the only organization that I know of who shoot their wounded.” I found this to be true. However, I also found that Jesus and the Body of Christ can still be found in the most unlikely places.

Freedom is only found when I allow the illusions that I have created to fall to the ground. It is then that the ground beneath me can not fall out from under me. The truth has set me free.

I am blessed to have loved deeply and blessed to be the recipient of others love. I have a few friends who are friends, no matter what. You know who you are.

I am sure that Jesus loves all people and that all are welcome at the table.

Pride does come before a fall. Damn ego!!

I wish that all of us could just be nice to each other. Judgments and shame kill people.

I love my son and my daughter.

Being a grandmother is better than being a mother.

Children and disabled people are the face of God.

The “I’m Right” game destroys relationships, organizations and churches.

God sends manna and money from the sky just in time.

I have met people who have different faith beliefs and I am struck by their goodness and grace.

When I thought that I could not live another minute, God sent Mercy.

“I never dreamed that home would end up a place that I don’t belong.”

My dog Katy is the most beautiful of Gods creatures.

Many people have suffered and died to give me the freedom that I have. I pray that I can pave the way for people after me so that they do not have to be judged.

Martin Luther King and everyday men and women were courageous when they fought for civil rights. Why am I just now “getting this?”

At 53, I still miss my Dad. He made me feel safe.

I miss my friend Mark. He could have helped. I wish I could have helped him.

Jesus loves me, this I know.

Most importantly, I believe that…

Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.

Whatever it takes, I long to be in “that” group. I have a long way to go and will not get close until Jesus has made me perfect but His words bring me peace and remind me of what needs to be said and done as one of His beloved.

Looking forward to continuing this journey of grace with many of you.

Connie
(Sorry, but this is Barnabas lingo) By The Grace of God, I Am a Special, Worthy and Complete Woman, Who Needs God’s Help.







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The Ego... Two Sides of One Coin

This last post in April is the last of a four week discussion on the “Ego.” If you read this blog regularly, you may realize that this post is later in the week than the usual Tuesday night ramblings. The simple reason that I am finally posting at 11:59 on April 30 is that I feel I must get this written in April or this will be just one more thing that reflects my inadequacy.

You see all week long, I have been living in the worst part of my ego. Surprisingly enough it is not so much the “I am better,” or "prideful" part of my ego as it is the “woe is me, I am in a bad mood” kind of thinking. As I was trying to build up the other side of my self which tells me that I have something worth contributing, I realized that the flip side of my false self is when I am way too concerned about failure or rejection. It is then when I want you to validate my ego. I am fascinated at the dances that we (I) perform on both sides of that coin (pride and less than.)

Ekert Tolle says that the ego is fed and nourished when we live in the past or the future. I have been consumed with the past and the future this week and was unwilling to simply take this moment, this minute that God gave me right now to simply be whoever I am; right or wrong, good or bad, loved or unloved, accepted or unacceptable, happy or unhappy. I have missed the now because I am angry about the past and fearful of the future. Notice the lack of freedom, grace and sheer pleasure when I live in one of those two extremes.

Tonight, as I am unable to set an example of someone living outside the “ego,” I would like to share some of the teachers that are encouraging me on this most difficult journey of “losing my life to find it.”

"Jesus did not move from Jesus to the Christ without death and resurrection. We have to let go of the ego names by which we have named ourselves (good and bad) and become the naked self before the naked God. That will always feel like dying. We need to know, experientially, that "I am who I am who I am", and THAT naked, undecorated self is already and forever the beloved child of God.” Richard Rohr

"In order to become myself I must cease to be what I always thought I wanted to be, and in order to find myself I must go out of myself, and in order to live I have to die." Thomas Merton

(This passage from Merton is my favorite. It is a good way to usher in the month of May)

“Give me the strength that waits upon You in silence and peace. Give me humility in which alone is rest, and deliver me from pride which is the heaviest of burdens. And possess my whole heart and soul with the simplicity of love. Occupy my whole life with the one thought and the one desire of love, that I may love not for the sake of merit, not for the sake of perfection, not for the sake of virtue, not for the sake of sanctity, but for You alone.” Thomas Merton

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• Are you feeling inadequate in certain area’s of your life? If so, ask yourself how that could be the false self or the impostor deceiving you.

• Are you angry about the past or fearful of the future? What could you gain by living in this moment?

• Meditate on this simple prayer by Thomas Merton… Give me humility in which alone is rest, and deliver me from pride which is the heaviest of burdens. And possess my whole heart and soul with the simplicity of love



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